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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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EmilyHope Offline
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Exclamation Filling up the tub... going to die - February 15th 2013, 09:09 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm screwing up, big time. Playing yo yo with false happiness, I swear I'm crazy. Being so proud of myself for not cutting when that's the thing that's killing me. I've been doing it for years to cope with pain, but now that I'm trying to quit... my insides feel like they're melting, I'm projecting hope so you don't see Its killing me, I'm feeling even worse for not telling you, for smiling when I'm on the verge of tears, for laughing when I feel like screaming, for hiding in the bathroom at Kandice's bawling my eyes out, just to come out and smile for stupid pictures.... for hiding from my friends, for having this big ball of animosity towards my mother for what she's put me through but still saying I love her, for being humiliated EVERY holiday and special occasion because my mom gets all upset at me about how disgusting I am and to go hide my ugly scars. I'm still in agony from losing my sister the way I did, for seeing my father and my mother fight over what she's done and for all I do to them that is a disgrace, saying that neither of them raised me correctly. I hate myself for not being what they want me to be, for hiding from my ENTIRE family about my disconsolate thoughts, only to glue on a smile. I hate that I'm such a terrible role model for my brothers, having Logan growing up watching me slice myself to pieces, for seeing the dead look in his eyes every time he sees a new scar, I'm hurting EVERYONE because I can't even fix MYSELF. I'm hurting so bad, I'm SO sorry, I never changed, I'm still that heartless, could care less about my life, girl I was a year ago. Its pathetic that I'm just now actually looking at myself for the first time, feeling the purple faded lines that each hold their own horror story, forever embedded in my flesh, reminding me of all those terrible things I went through and put people through, and I'm so sorry for dragging you in the middle of it. I just really needed someone, before I lost it for the last time. On top of all of that crap, I'm bullied until I feel like nothing is worth fighting for, I beg them to stop, I try to act like I'm strong and that it doesn't bother me, I try so hard, but never will that become my reality. Having strength to get through all of this is just another one of my fantasy's that I have. I can't be that perfect daughter my father always wanted, he's hurting because of my sister and I, I can see it in his eyes. The loss of hope, the sorrow and longing, I'm hurting him, but I can't seem to fit that in my skull. I always scare my closest friends from bleeding through my clothes, and tear them apart because they think I'm okay, I'M NOT OKAY. Look at me! I'm so disgusting, I do this to myself, mutilate the one thing I should take care of, I hide and cry, I despise myself. I sit and cry in the back stall watching myself bleed while the preps talk about how perfect they are, and how perfect their lives are, and about how big of losers everyone else is. My body is torn and scarred, Its why I'm not even trying to find someone to be with, I'm so insecure that I want no one to touch me. Even my boyfriend Cameron would tell me my scars were ugly, or touch the 6in scars on my thigh and say "its so gross". I know its true, I know I'm disgusting, I may have a pretty smile, but once you realize what's underneath, you'll run. I can't even put into words what I'm feeling, I can't exactly type out a scream, and I can't scream because I'll snap and/or wake my parents. I'm not crazy... I'm just SO hurt.... why don't people see that... they see that my mom's an "angel" and believe every freaking word she says, regardless of my tears. "Emily's crazy... Emily's crazy... her family is so amazing she's just crazy..." "you're mom's amazing... she's such a sweetheart.... she saves babies...there's no way she did all those things to you... you just want attention..." I hate it!!!! Everyone tells me I'm delusional, that I'm crazy, when all I want is to feel loved! I'm sorry... I'm just so... auggggghhhhhh!!! I just want to slit my wrists and end this damn pain!!


I Don't Know Why I am Doing This To Myself....I Just Can't Help But Scream...What Is Happening To Me?! Who Can Possibly Save Me From Myself?!
-Emily Hope




   
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Re: Filling up the tub... going to die - February 15th 2013, 09:20 PM

I'm not good at advice, but I felt the need to post something...
First of all--no one is perfect. You may see people who always smile, get whatever they want, and sure, maybe they don't live in the Hell others do, but some of them know what it's like. Second of all, if you can't fix yourself, you need to get help. I know it's hard, Emily, I haven't told anyone about my self harm :/ But at this stage, you need it, because suicide and cutting is NOT going to solve your problem. If you can't tell a family member, tell a teacher or SOME adult that you trust. You can pull through this, Emily, but you can't do this alone. There are going to be times where life knocks you down, and even kicks you when you struggle to get back on your knees. But soon, even if that means grabbing someone's hand, and having them pull you up, you'll get back on your feet.
Stay strong <3
- Madison
   
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Re: Filling up the tub... going to die - February 15th 2013, 10:57 PM

I'm really sorry that you are in so much pain! I think it's really admirable that you are trying to quit self-harming. I know it's rough and it feels so much worse because that is the one thing that you felt like you have that created stability for you, but you really are better off without it!!

Your life is totally worth the fight and effort! I know this sounds cliche but it's true "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems." Don't give up! Have you sought out help, it sounds like you have people who care about, reach out to them! Reach out to a teacher or guidance counselor at school, people who can support you and get you the help that you need.

It sounds like you have a tough relationship with your mother, can I ask why or what is the problem there? Sometimes it's good to talk about these things.

I'm always here for you if you need or want to talk, send me a PM! (: Hang in there, doll!


all i want is a place to call my own and
mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone,
woah,
you know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.

<3
   
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