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Aeran Offline
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I deserve better. - February 20th 2013, 10:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I try not to let you get to me. Try and tell myself that your opinion of me doesn't matter when you say something like "stupid fucking bitch".

I was placing all of my hope on going back to school, but no matter what I pick, you're going to put me down. Tell me it's pointless and a waste of my time.

I didn't ask for your support, your time, or your money. All I wanted is for you to not stand in my way. Just let me do what I have to do to move on, but you're determined to make this hard for me.

I'm done.

I can't spend another day fighting with you. You wanted me to make more money, so I worked the night shift, but that wasn't good enough. You said I slept all day and was a lazy peice of shit.

So, I took less pay to work a day job, but it wasn't good enough. Now I'm not bringing in enough money and I'm never around to help you around the house.

I tried to go back to school, but you said my major was stupid and I'm just wasting my time and money.

You bitch at me when I drink. I just turn the music louder as I sip my rum and coke. Tell me I'm going to turn out just like him. My alcoholic father who ditched us when I was two.

Sure, I could have gotten knocked up at 16, like you, or did drugs the whole way through my third pregnancy. I could have stolen cars and gone to jail like my brother...

I can't do the screaming any more. I can't do the name calling. I hate you.

Seven years ago, I swallowed two bottles of Tylonol tring to escape this hell hole. I ended up throwing them up and spending two days in the hospital.

You would have thought you'd have gotten the hint.

It would be so easy this time. Now I'm smarter and less scared than all those years ago. I'm not scared of the pain. Not scared to dig a little deeper.

Why did you drag me to this shit hole little town? Was it just so you could keep me here forever? I had a full ride! A 100% scholorship, and you ruined everything. You always ruin everything.

I'm never getting out of here.
I'm going to be just like you one day.
45 years old, working a job I despise.
With a husband I can't stand.
And a kid who would rather die than spend another minute in your presence.

You tell me I'm lucky. I'm blessed. Your mother kicked you out when you were 16. That you could kick me out at any minute if you felt like it. That I don't deserve a mother like you.

You know what? I believe it. I don't deserve a mother like you. That's the only reason I'm still breathing. I'll keep on fighting your hateful old ass until I'm free. You know why? Because I fucking deserve better than you.
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Re: I deserve better. - February 20th 2013, 10:58 PM

Hi, Aeran...

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It has gotta be tough... I'm so sorry. You do deserve better than that, everyone deserves to be encouraged to follow their dreams and deserve general respect. I know it's difficult, but I hope someday you see things in your mother's perspective too. She must have had a hard life growing up too, getting kicked out by her parents. Having a child early. I can see how it'd take a toll on a person. Although you don't deserve to be caught in the crossfire...

Can you talk to a therapist?
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Re: I deserve better. - February 20th 2013, 11:17 PM

I used to, several times a week. I'm mostly venting. Despite thinking about suicide daily, I actually feel stronger than I have in years. I'm sorting things out, and it's working for now.

Death is still always on my mind, but so is life and all it could be.

I feel like if I could just make it over this next hurdle I might actually have a chance to gain some momentum, but I feel like a hamster in a wheel! No matter how fast I run, I'm not getting anywhere...
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Re: I deserve better. - February 21st 2013, 01:43 AM

I think it's good you have a therapist. Is he/she helping?

I don't know what to say except, you can be whoever want. You feel stronger and you must be a really strong person to have such strength even while being put down by your mother. You don't have to become her, you can become the opposite. You're so amazing for being able to see that life can be so much more. I'm proud of you because that's true. You're gonna go far.

Stay Strong <3 I'm here if you need to talk!

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