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Silas Offline
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is this really bad? - March 1st 2013, 06:55 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

possible triggers: self harm, substances, alcohol, dysphoria/transphobia, suicide, sexual abuse.

i saw my therapist for the first time in a month yesterday. its hard to get in touch with the center to make appointments, especially for at-school appointments.

my therapist basically succeeded in making me feel like complete and utter shit.

i told her that i'm now 2 weeks clean from cutting, and its been rough but im proud of myself. i want to be able to say, next wednesday, that its 3 weeks. it feels really good to be able to say 2 weeks. she wasnt as excited as i was, she said that it was good and asked me if id ever gone two weeks before. since i started ive barely gone two days. she kept talking about how wed make more progress and didnt really talk about what ive already done and didnt seem really impressed by it. i dont constantly think about suicide any more; halfway into the second month of antidepressants i got really triggered though so the thoughts come back, but not as intense as before. i feel like i can actually FUNCTION now.

she asked me why i cut, and i told her for release and punishment. i told her about this family drama involving marijuana (i smoke about once every few months, i like to keep a low tolerance). she told me i would end up dead from using weed and that i had a "psychological addiction" to it when i told her that usually i smoke to relieve anxiety. its ONE WAY i deal with it. its not the only way. she refused to discuss the legal system, the police state, the war on drugs, or anything -- EXCEPT my apparent "dependency" on something i havent done in about a month and am not going through withdrawal from. i do not have to smoke. i just enjoy it from time to time as a social activity.

hell, i'm scared to tell her i drink sometimes.

i told her that next month i have a set date to see a different therapist a few towns over to set up an appointment to begin hormone therapy. i'm really excited about this.

she asked me why i felt like i needed it. i told her sometimes i cut out of dysphoria, and she said "you don't have dysphoria."

she may as well have shot me in the face.

i dont talk about dysphoria with my therapists because im always the first trans* patient. they cant help. i can talk to other trans* people. but she tried to deny something i experience every single day, be it physical or social or anything. it's fucking painful. i started crying.

she told me i "THOUGHT" i needed hormones because i had "CONTROL ISSUES" (i told her i needed hormones so i could finally be at home in my own skin and she got "control issues" out of that). that i would NEVER be able to go on hormones unless i stopped cutting for good.

you know, because, it's not like keeping hormones away from me will encourage me to cut my way out of this body. i mean, that's how i fucking described my first cuts. "cutting my way out of this wrong body."

she wanted me to give up the name of this one girl who molested me at age 7/8 but didnt seem concerned about my ex who manipulated and raped me at age 14 (he was 13). she said "so you consider what he did rape" uh yes because it was...? she used terms like "didnt actually force you" and it was just shitty and i left feeling like i deserved it. i didnt give her names because i didnt want drama. its scary.

she asked me if i had a "plan" for suicide. i asked what she meant -- "i'm going to kill myself thursday at 6pm after dinner." she said no, basically did i know how i WOULD kill myself if i decided to?

i said yes. she said that's considered a plan and that it's bad. i'm confused. is it not normal to have an idea of how you would end it if you decided to? i mean... it doesnt mean ill do it. i just know how i would.

most of that was venting but i bolded the question
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Simpry Offline
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Name: Simon
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Location: England

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Re: is this really bad? - March 1st 2013, 06:47 PM

So you're asking whether it's bad to be suicidal? Well, no, it's not bad. It's unfortunate for you obviously but I don't know how anyone can claim that you've done anything wrong. If I were you, I wouldn't take much heed of the things she says because she clearly has a very distorted perception about pretty much everything that your experiencing and I can't imagine trying to reason her will help.
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Kate* Offline
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Name: Katie
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Location: Ohio

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Re: is this really bad? - March 2nd 2013, 03:55 PM

As someone who will be going into this profession relatively soon, I can say that she went about this COMPLETELY WRONG and if I ever treated a client like that there would be serious consequences. Second thing is, it's not necessarily bad to be considering suicide, to an extent it's common, but there is a way that we are taught to evaluate it. The more of these questions you can answer, the higher the risk of suicide is.

Do you have thoughts of suicide?
Have you thought about how you would do it? (some people think about it and that's as far as they get)

Do you have what you would need or access to what you would need?

Do you know when you would do it?

Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
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