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Kathryn x
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kathrynlikesjellybeans's Avatar
Name: Kathryn Dow
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Location: Nottingham UK

Posts: 32
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: April 19th 2012

Why am I still alive?? - March 18th 2013, 04:35 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well here I am again. Back at it, searching for answers. Well it all started because I let one of my very good friends read my diary thing. She knew I was depressed, but not to the extent, so she reacted badly. It has some really suicidal thoughts in there and stuff that I believe in.. Some artwork I dunno. She was actually scared by what I'd written, and called my mum. I'm not angry at her for doing that, I knew she was just thinking of me. I actually have two of these diaries. Just because the first one got full. That one's probably the worst one for anyone like her to read. It doesn't have that much on suicide, but on my other posts before you might guess what's in there. Some pretty upsetting and disturbing stuff. So yes she read it. I think she read it to my dad as well I'm not sure. But when I came back that night she didn't say anything but later on she came in my room and started shouting at me, saying stuff like "you obviously wanted this" and "you're not going to college on Thursday because we're going to the doctors." I dunno.. She was really angry though and that really confused and upset me because I was suicidal and here was my own mother shooting me down with words that had the same effect as bullets. Then I realised what she read. So we went to the doctors last Thursday and I'm going for a blood test the Friday to check for a hormone imbalance and a few weeks later something's going to happen which includes a "mental health team." Don't really want to think about that because the thought of a team scares me. I have never felt so low in my life. I want death more than anything. I am poison to this house and vice versa. I'm getting help now but that makes me feel worse because everyone is scared and angry at me. I don't belong to this earth. None of this is meant for me. The ground beneath my feet, the air that fills my lungs day after wretched day, none of it. It makes me sick, physically sick to think that I'll live beyond 17. I'm not meant to be here. I'm not talking about heaven, well not really, I'm talking about my version of heaven. The Halcyons I invent in my head every day is where I need to be. God I need to die so bad. I hate this. I'm a burden on everybody and I can't do this much longer. What makes me more depressed is that I know I will never commit suicide but I want to, so badly. Because there, in my halcyon is where I will find happiness. I'm dying to be there. Thanks for reading.
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Re: Why am I still alive?? - March 19th 2013, 12:42 AM

Hey, Kathryn.

I'm really sorry you feel so bad to wanna do this. I think you have an amazing friend since she told your parents, now she obviously cares a lot about you. It takes a lot of courage to rat a friend out, a lot of courage and you have to care a heck of a lot. Imagine how devastated she'd be if you went through with suicide? Absolutely devastated and would probably fall into the same horrible depression rethinking her worth. Same with your parents. I realize they may be edgy with you, but I honestly think she's really scared. She must care a lot, and is so worried for you and she responds to that in this way. Because she doesn't know any other way to express it. I'm glad you let your friend read your diary, because you know what? Even though you feel this way, you should take advantage of others knowing this and get yourself the help you deserve. Of course, it's really scary but your family, friends, will be so happy when you recover. Recovery is possible but you have to wanna recover. You can be happy, Kathryn.

I know you may not wanna live, but I know that at some point in the future, you'll be thankful you decided to live. I mean, I know things are hard right now, but things can't possibly stay this way for the rest of your life, y'know? And everytime you get through things in your life, depression, even the small things, you gain strength without knowing it sometimes. All this makes us stronger and more experienced, you can help yourself better, learn better coping mechanisms, and help others in the future with your experiences and how you got past it. You can be an inspiration. You can help, you can be happy.

Life isn't just full of bad things despite how it may feel sometimes. There's good, happy things that are well worth living for as well. Such as recovery, happiness, experiencing life away from home, friends, dating, marriage, children, a job. so many good things and amazing moments along the way that would be really bad to miss out on. Don't let depression win. You're strong. You can fight this. Having support and help, is the step towards recovery. Please don't push that away, hun. Life can really be amazing sometimes. Nobody ever said it was easy, but hey, doing the hardest things is what rewards you the most. You can have an amazing future, and right this minute, you can shape it. You can begin working on recovery. Because you're worth it. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's worth it. Do it for your family, friends, if you can't see yourself as a good enough reason.

That's why you're living. Life. Happiness. Recovery. Love.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to, Kathryn. I don't know what to say sometimes but I can listen. Please hang in there.

You can do this,
Don't give up,
Don't surrender,
Keep fighting,
This fight can be won,
The rainbow comes after the storm,

Stay Strong <3
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