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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Blooming Cactus Offline
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Suicidal at 10, Still Recovering...? - April 4th 2013, 02:18 AM

Hey there.
So, I was always the awkward gifted kid stuck in a boring school. This got to be really boring, because I knew everything they were teaching me, and so I got to reading everything I could get my paws on: theology, philosophy, sciences, fantasy, whatever. Eventually I fell into my first bout of existential depression; it was coming on for about a year before it truly hit at around 4th grade. It got so bad that I grew very, very suicidal.
The only way I survived was by waiting, staring at the stars, and forcing myself to hold on for another day. Existential depression isn't that common, I think, but it's very real. People say little kids shouldn't think about life and death and religion. I say, if you can think about it, go for it. I was just unprepared for all the consequences that resulted, with a brain and emotions like mine.
A year later, I went to counseling, since I had another bout (unknown to my parents). I didn't trust my therapist, only telling her "safe", concrete problems to work through so that my mom would feel like I was gaining something. I preferred, and often still do, to work things out on my own, figure out what happened and how to prevent future bouts.
I still am a weirdly intelligent person, with all the ups and downs of being gifted in a boring school system. It doesn't make for... the most pleasant life, but I suppose it's rewarding, in its own way.
These bouts occur unusually severely about every 2 years or so. Of course, in general the existential depression ebbs and flows like the tide, but like clockwork a giant wave comes in.
Does anyone have any suggestions for living with existential depression? My mom has suggested meds, but I don't want to. I don't think my depression is strictly chemical in nature (although maybe part of it is). I've told two friends - 2 out of 3 - about my early elementary experience. Now they look out for me. Hopefully they'll be able to help me avoid suffocation

Any advice? This kind of depression lasts a lifetime - one can't unbake the cake.
   
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Re: Suicidal at 10, Still Recovering...? - April 4th 2013, 02:48 AM

Hey, Archana.

I'm sorry you deal with this. Once you get into a thinking pattern it's often pretty difficult to get out of that state of mind. Although I think it's really good that your friends and your mom knows about this. Having people there for you can be really reassuring and helpful. Support goes a long way. I don't think it's a good idea not to share things with your therapist that are bothering you a lot. That's what she's there for, to help you with severe problems you need help with. Maybe try and make small talk to gain trust with her?

I don't deal with this depression so I don't have experience with it, however I'd still like to offer suggestions. Try and get into new hobbies, do things you enjoy, always try new things for the refreshment of discovery, get a pet as they bring lots of joy, stare at the beautiful stars at night, go for walks in the sun as the sunlight induces a natural chemical in your brain that increases positive emotions. Write down your feelings in a journal, redecorate your room, try new foods. Another thing that could play into moods, is managing your diet and sleep. Those things effect your mood.

I hope I helped a bit. Remember to stay strong, you can recover, it's possible. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. You can do this! Don't forget that.

Stay Strong <3
   
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Re: Suicidal at 10, Still Recovering...? - April 5th 2013, 12:08 PM

Awww hon

You can talk to me about anything if you want. I don't judge. Remember

Hold
On
Pain
Ends

I know it's kind if cheesy but hold on okay hon.


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