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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
walk around in O O O O
Not a n00b
LuckyNo.Infinity's Avatar
Name: Lucky/Lux
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: East

Posts: 60
Join Date: November 4th 2012

Stuck - April 9th 2013, 10:01 AM

It's not that I don't feel loved; I'm not saying I've never felt unloved, but I am saying that I know better. If I know anything, it's that my friends want me here and that my family also cares.

In fact, I'm embarrassed to be posting here right now because I can't help but feel like I'm full of sh*t ~ I know what it's like to be desperately and wholly immersed in sorrow, and I'm pretty-pretty pretty far form it.

But I don't know what to do whenever my head's to the wall (figuratively) and everything's just dull. Pain, amusement, anything really, and I think, okay maybe I fried one too many brain cells; maybe it's going to take some time for me to produce what will feel like appropriate amounts of serotonin again, if ever, whatever. Most likely, it's chemical. It's a good excuse. It makes it rational to just wait it out, as if there's something to wait out, as if I don't always end up back here.

And I'm ashamed, but I'm not. I'm appreciative of every experience. A lot of them have hurt. And a lot of them have felt incredibly wonderful.

I just have this thing, I guess, this state of mind that I seem to make my way back to, and I have for maybe half my life: I just think, "okay, I'm done." And I don't want it to hurt anybody, I don't want it to be a big deal, I just think, "okay cool, life has happened, good game y'all, and best of luck, all my love. I'm tapping out."

And let this be a disclaimer, I know that things don't work that way. I don't think there could be such a thing for me, as a "casual" death; what I said before, it all makes perfect crazy sense to me, but I also know full well that whenever someone you love dies, there's nothing like that hurt, grief is in a realm of it's own, and I'd put a lot of people there in a really messed up way if I offed myself.

It just scares me because this is how I felt whenever I messed up last year and tried to kill myself; I wanted it to seem totally accidental... and it did, but it was obviously unsuccessful, and I was so grateful, later. So horrified, so guilty, so changed, until I landed here again, and at this point it's hard to see what made me promise myself never to get back to that place where I was willing to take my life.

It wasn't the first time, but before this I was drowning in so much pain and loss and so many memories.

This seems like a slap in the face to all the fight it took whenever things were really bad. And I promised myself then, too, that I'd never do this sh*t again. And I meant it when I meant it, but I also mean it when I say that I can't really take away this feeling. If I do then it's only gone temporarily, and... well I guess that's it. I don't want to do it anymore, coming back to this place just isn't what I want, and I feel like I have the right to live and die on my terms... I don't mean to be selfish; I have a lot of promise and a lot of things going for me and a lot of people who'd be hurt, but I know that I'm young and lots of those people are young and we're really early in the game, I have no doubt that I'll be forgotten by a lot of the people who'll initially feel very strongly about my passing. It's just that there are a few that I know wouldn't ever be the same, and maybe even one or two who I wouldn't expect... and that stops me in my tracks, every time. But then, I also don't feel that it's reasonable for me to live my life for anyone else anymore. That's the thought that did it last time; I convinced myself that it wouldn't be that big of a deal, and then I convinced myself that it would be okay, and it was easy. I can remember feeling all kinds of horrible after the fact, and I mean, I trust myself, there had to have been something to that, I just can't quite recapture what it was. That's what's scary.

I don't even want to make the call I swore I'd make if I ever began to think like this; I don't want to hear someone I love at a loss for how to catch on to me, I don't even feel like I can catch on to myself. And that's just... I don't know. It's not fair of me. It's not okay, it's horrible, it's unkind, it's all kinds of things that I don't want to be, it's just different, I guess, whenever you look at those things, know those things, and don't want to be, period.

"This cosmic dance
of bursti
ng decadence and withheld permissions
twists all our arms colle
but if sweetn
ess can win, and it can,
then I'll sti
ll be here tomorrow
to hig
h-five you yesterday, my friend.

- Royal Tart Toter
(Adventure Time)


Last edited by LuckyNo.Infinity; April 9th 2013 at 10:32 AM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Collies R Us Offline
Proverbs 30:5-6
Junior TeenHelper
Collies R Us's Avatar
Name: Ally
Gender: Female
Location: USA

Posts: 271
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: February 18th 2012

Re: Stuck - April 9th 2013, 12:10 PM

Wow, that was well-worded. I'm going to be less well-worded and give you the stereotypical question: Have you told anyone about this? Tried getting help? Please try, because like you said, some people would not handle your death well. These are things that break people.
Have you seen an old Christmas movie by the name of 'It's a Wonderful Life'? The main character (George) kills himself because he reasons that his life insurance would help out his family more than he would. So he jumped a bridge and a wingless 2nd class angel (Clarence) saved him. George told the angel that he wished he had never been born, so he gets his wish. George walked around his town, realizing it was so different; his uncle was in a mental hospital; his wife had never married him; his kids were never born; the park had been turned into a cemetery, and his brother Harry had drowned in ice at age nine. George argued, no, Harry went to war and saved a lot of men on a transport! Clarence replied something like, since you were never born to save Harry, Harry wasn't alive to save those men.
You weren't born here without purpose. I was reading some NDE (Near Death Experiences) and one was on a suicide and God was angry, asking don't you know this is the worst thing you could do? You send a ripple affect through everyone's lives; thousands of people will steer off-course because of you. That was the gist of it; whether it was real or not, I do not know.
But I truly believe that you could affect thousands of people. We're all connected in a way. I know that sounds cheesy, but hear me out. I really believe you are meant to be here. And I don't wanna preach hellfire, but I feel obliged to warn you where your suicide could ultimately lead you...Some people say suicide won't/will land you in some sort of Hell, but it's better to be safe than sorry.
God bless. I hope things work out for you.
- Collies R Us

"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
DeletedAccount17's Avatar
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Re: Stuck - April 10th 2013, 04:06 AM

Hi there, Lux!

I'm sorry about this. You seem really mature and you sure do process a lot of your thoughts. Honestly, I think you should try and interested in new things, get some new hobbies, change your life up so it won't always be the same ol' routine everyday. Plan some fun things so you'll have something to look forward to. Write poems, write down your feelings in a journal. Go for walks. Redecorate your house/room. Go out with friends.

Explore different things. You never know what you'll end up loving. =)

And also, can you talk to family/friends about this? Or a therapist? Maybe it'd be good to explain these thoughts to others so you won't feel so alone in it all. You deserve to have some help through this.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to. <3

Stay Strong <3
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