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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
mindflower Offline
what the hell is a FixYou♥
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Unhappy I don't know what to live for... - April 19th 2013, 04:44 AM

Everything around me is just falling apart and I don't know how to feel. I'm not even sure if I am feeling anymore. This time last year, I got happy again, and now, I just want to die. I can't, I'm too weak, and people would be so crushed, not because they care, but because when I'm here, I'm not causing drama.
But I am. Its all I ever do. All I'm good for is starting drama because its a life style I'm come to know.
I want to feel guilt, pain, rejection, failure, because it gives me something to feel depressed about. Its like depression is my most dangerous friend and I can't live with or without it.... I feel really really bad right now.
I'm confusing my friend with her sexuality, I'm not sure what I think of her, and I can't seem to help her because I can't help myself but I have to keep that locked inside so I don't make a mistake!
I'm chasing another guy away and I can't make one decent conversation with him, no matter how much I love him, because I have nightmares about him. I'm scared of him. The guy I love! And I let him use me, even though I know flat out that he doesn't like me one bit, I mean, why would he
I'm annoying another guy that I might or might not love, I'm letting him use me for sex because I believe that's all he sees me and wants me for, but I can't say no or anything because its another reason to be depressed! And he feels lonely and I can't make him, or fucking ANYONE happy!
I'm nothing. I have nothing to live for. My grades are all failing, plummeting into nothing. My parents think I'm a fuck up, which makes sense because its true. I spend most of my time on TH just because I can actually talk about my problems because no one in my real life cares or can help me!
I don't let them help me, because I don't let myself get help.
I'm so suicidal right now, and I just needed to rant. I've gone almost a month without cutting and I want to again so badly, even though I have no where to hide it, and I want to cry but I can't feel enough to make tears. But right now, I'm absolutely bawling. I feel so selfish saying all of this, because lots of people have it so much worse then me, but I can't take it.
I feel so alone and so fucked up and I don't know what the point is anymore.

...........what do I... do.....

Last edited by Palmolive; April 19th 2013 at 05:13 AM. Reason: Removing prefix.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: I don't know what to live for... - April 19th 2013, 05:13 AM

Hey Tay,

I'm sorry it feels this way. It sound like you're struggling right now but I'm glad you've come to us for some help. Not knowing how to feel is okay you know? Sometimes we just need to let out emotions, feel. Feeling isn't something we plan. Just allow yourself to feel however you feel. And if you don't feel, that's okay too. I'm glad for you that this time last year things got better for you and you felt happy again, that's really good to hear and know that it's okay to have bad days and bad weeks like now. That doesn't mean that this is going to last forever. You've been through it before and you got through it before so you can do it again, alright? You're more than capable of getting through this if you allow yourself too.

You can't and you won't - you can and you will. You getting through this or not is your choice. The only person who is going to stop you from getting through this is you but the more you tell yourself that you can't do this, the harder it's going to be to get through it. And you're not too weak. At all. You're very strong, you've proved that by coming here and reaching out. And you've proved you want o get through this because you've come to us for help. If you wanted to die, you'd be out there killing yourself, not sat here asking for help. And I am glad, about that. You deserve life. Maybe you want all of this to stop and maybe that leads to you think you want to die, but I don't think this is about dying. I think this is about stopping the horrible emotions you are feeling.

People cause drama. Everyone does. People also get over it. It's life. It happens. It's not big deal, alright? You're not a bad person. You're a lovely kind soul and the people in your life would be heartbroken if you were to leave the world because they love and care about you. Because we love and care about you. You are never alone in this and I know sometimes it feels like we're good for nothing, but it's not true. You're worth a lot and you have a purpose in this world. You have a future - don't take that away from yourself instead make it what ever you want it to be because it can be, what ever you want it to be. You can be who you want and do what you want. This is your life, choose your path and live your dream.

Sometimes people with depression (I don't know if you have actually been diagnosed or just feel depressed but either way) find it hard to leave depression because it becomes what they know. Even though going through depression is hard, once you're in it, and you're in it for a long time, it becomes your life, it becomes what you know and I guess some of that is to a point some what comforting. To get out of it, means you will have to step out of your comfort zone and start making changes and doing things that might make you feel scared or anxious. At the same time feeling depressed is horrible and you don't really want it either. So it can be, for some people, a best friend but an enemy at the same time. But trust me, once you start stepping out of your comfort zone to beat this, not feeling depressed is better than depression. And it's worth it. The fight and hard work is worth it. I promise.

Its okay to be confused about your friend and if you feel like you can't support them right now that's okay too. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish and take time out for ourselves. You're going through a rough time right now and you have a hell of a lot going on. How are you suppose to help others when you're struggling to help yourself? You need to look after yourself first and then help others and explain this to your friend. I'm sure they'll understand that. Why are you scared of this guy? What's the nightmares about? Has something happened that you're not telling us? Love is hard and you're young. And I'm glad to hear that you have love problems. It's a normal teenage problem which someone your age should be having. Not that that makes it any easier. But it's part of growing up and you'll learn from it. You'll know what to do but it's gunna take time.

You make your life. You have what you make you have to live for. If you do nothing with your life then you are giving yourself nothing to live for. Get involved with things. Meet friends. Go out. Work hard for school and talk to teachers for help and get your grades up. Get hobbies and take time out for you. Relax and breathe. Being on here is great and I'm glad you feel able to talk about your problems, but don't spend all your time online, get outside with friends, do some art, go to the gym, you know? And talk to people at home, friends, family, teachers. They DO care about you. They'll want to help but they can't if they don't know what is happening for you. They aren't mind readers. You have to let people in and until you do, they can't help but you don't have to suffer in silence. Help is out there for you.

Keep holding on. I know it's tough but it gets better and you ARE worth it, alright? You can get through this and things will get brighter for you but you are the one who has to fight for it and you have to fight hard.

Don't stop. You can do this. Look after yourself,

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: I don't know what to live for... - April 19th 2013, 05:34 AM

Hi, Tay.

First, I have to say that you don't have to feel selfish, okay? TeenHelp is here for everyone who needs help. Small or big problem so you can post anytime, sweetie. <3 Jessie gave some really amazing advice I suggest taking up on so I just wanted to say something. I could not pass a thread by you going through so much pain and not say what I felt about you. <3

Wow, darling. I am so sorry about how you're feeling. I can relate to you a lot. I used to cause drama on purpose, cause problems because it'd be a reason to be depressed. Nowadays I still do it sometimes but I do it a lot less and it's rare now. That means there's always hope for you. You can still get through this and recover. What I did, I tried to start becoming more aware of my actions. Instead of doing something negative, I'd start trying to catch myself and do something positive instead.

And Tay... You're a beautiful and an amazing girl. You don't deserve to have guys use you at all. I think the first step to recovering from what you're going through, is to break up with these guys and tell them off because even though you love them, they're using you and causing you to be like this. That's not fair. You deserve love and respect. You love them, you're showing love towards them but they aren't holding up their end of the deal. It's okay to be single and not in a relationship because then you can focus on your grades more without the constant drama of guys. You can wait till the right guy comes along that'll love and respect you. That's what you deserve. Do this for yourself, make that first hard leap and you know what? Me and many others here will be here to back you up, support you and listen. Can you also talk to your school counselor for advice and help on this, or a therapist?

Listen closely, Tay, suicide is not the answer. You're such a beautiful, bright and amazing girl who has so much potential for the future. You can always recover and be happier, it'll take work but I believe in you. A lot of us here believe in you. I see you posting around all the time helping people. You DO make a difference. I'd miss you and be devastated, a lot of us would here on TeenHelp and those who love you in real life. You are NOT a screw-up. You're a beautiful young girl who has issues, but see, we all have issues and they can be solved. Just as yours can. You cannot give up on yourself, Tay. You mean so much and your life is worth so much more than you think.

You know I'm here if you need someone to talk to, you beautiful girl. I know you can do this and everyone at TeenHelp is here for you along the way but you have to make a couple steps first. Remember, the stars cannot shine without the darkness. Darling, believe in yourself. I believe in you. <3

Stay Strong <3
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't know what to live for... - April 19th 2013, 06:08 PM

Tay, my lovely. You're amazing. Don't say this. And please do not do this. I care. I really do. I would miss you if you were gone.

As you said,
Originally Posted by FixYou♥ View Post
its a life style I'm come to know.
Its you. You are wonderful.

All of those feelings that you kinda, crave, but hate feeling, makes you feel. But it makes you feel crap. You do not deserve to feel like this Tay. It is not your fault in who you fall for, or who you become attracted to. Sexuality is so silly. Anyones sexuality can change. From what I can gather, I think that you can't come to terms with someone finding you attractive? You seem almost supprised and guilty that this person may like you more than just a friend.

You make so many people on here happy, including myself. I mean, Tay. You saved me. You may not know this, but I was so close to just ending my life. But your kind and caring words made me think. And made me smile . You should not let anyone use you like this! PM or skype me when you get this lovely. <3

"Smiling is only a symptom of happiness and can be faked."

  Send a message via Skype™ to kissthestarsgoodnight 
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't know what to live for... - April 19th 2013, 06:17 PM

Tay, you have everything to live for, don't commit suicide, just don't, like Christabel said (She honestly took the words right out of my mouth), you have potential for the future (You are the first and, for now, only person I call a fellow future legend), you are a good friend, a good person to talk to and much more.

Stay strong! You can make it, I, as much as many other TH users and most likely people irl, believe in you, for real

Skype: jordiadutchbroski
PSN: jordioa18

If you need help, PM/VM me
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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
mindflower Offline
what the hell is a FixYou♥
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Re: I don't know what to live for... - April 20th 2013, 04:32 PM

Thank you guys.... maybe some day I'll be able to believe that, it just seems like when I want things to get better I either don't let it or things get worse just by the fate of the world.
....thank you though.... all of you...
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't know what to live for... - April 20th 2013, 04:52 PM

Hey Tay I can relate recently i've felt miserable and depressed and every time something good or funny happened that might make me feel a little good I pushed it down because I enjoyed feeling sad.
I wanted everything to feel and be good but reminders of sadness were everywhere.
Then I realized that my problems will probably never be solved and suddenly depression was bad because it was never gonna end.

Finally the important part I realized that I had to "allow" myself to be happy. You are a great person and you deserve to be happy. Everyone has issues, the only way we wouldn't is if we were as complex as a pumpkin. Just change your natural mood one moment at a time.
Try setting alarms to remind you to be happy. Smile even if you arent happy. Let yourself laugh at every joke. Small victories.
Each one might not amount to much, but if you walk around collecting pebbles, you will eventually have a sack of pebbles as heavy as a boulder

Good luck

Every heartbreak we go through makes us the perfect person for our soulmates. Shaping us into what they've always been looking for.

Need to talk, PM me.

To people(like me) who think asking for help annoys people I say:
It would bother me if you DIDN'T ask for help.
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
mindflower Offline
what the hell is a FixYou♥
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Re: I don't know what to live for... - April 21st 2013, 05:52 PM

thank you.... urg my head is so stuck in this mind set
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