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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ella.x Offline
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Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 19th 2013, 02:48 PM

I have a diagnosis of depression, BPD, GAD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia. The last month has been very difficult moodwise. I've overdosed 3 times in 3 weeks and given myself 3rd degree burns. I am so depressed. The last 5 days, I've barely been out of bed, except to get drink and go to toilet. I cry for hours at a time and can't sleep because when I do, I have terrible nightmares and wake up having panic attacks. I can barely leave my home because the agoraphobia has gotten so bad. I havent smoked in ages because in order to do so, I have to go outside. My psychiatrist refused to change my meds until I stopped drinking, so I have and I feel so much worse for it. I feel like the entire world is crashing down on me and the only reason I haven't overdosed again is because now my mum knows and keeps phoning me to make sure I haven't done it again. I saw my care co-ordinator today. It took me hours just to prepare myself for going outside and all she could offer me was "break your day into chunks" as if I haven't already been trying to do that. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and none of the mental health team seem to take this seriously. I've cried so much I've lost my voice. Every time I try to do something as difficult as get out of bed I break down into tears. I can't function. Someone please tell me what to do. I'm so desperate
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Re: Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 19th 2013, 05:05 PM

You've got to entertain yourself, watch a good movie, read a good book, do a hobby Be happy with your life, be grateful you've got one, Don't hurt yourself, i don't want you too Please don't hurt yourself, and do something you ENJOY doing, Your problems are caused by mostly depression and stress, just relax, You know what you are doing in life IT COMES and GOES way too fast! - You can never plan for anything, you don't have to be prepared for life, you just need to carry on what you ENJOY doing! Reading books, watching movies, going out with friends, talking, helping, loving, caring.

Please don't hurt yourself pleeaaaassee!!!!

VM/PM me if you want any more help, or anything else <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
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Re: Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 19th 2013, 05:34 PM

Stay strong Hun. Things will get better, I know I sound like the biggest hypocrite because I'm dealing and feeling like you are, you just have to have hope. I have faith that you will become stronger from all this and it will get better. Let things get better. PM me if you wanna talk.
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Re: Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 19th 2013, 05:48 PM

The thing is, I don't enjoy doing anything anymore. I need to snap out of this so I can go back to work and pay my rent.
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Re: Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 19th 2013, 05:59 PM

Hey Ella, sorry to hear you're still not doing well. Here's a quote from Thich Naht Hanh that may help:

The roots of our suffering and ignorance can all be found in our store consciousness, the base, in the present moment. So the intelligent thing to do is to make the present moment beautiful and fresh, to transform it. It isn't necessary to say, "We have to suffer today in order to have peace and joy tomorrow," or "This is not my real home, I will wait until I am in paradise to be happy." We want to take care of the future. But the future will be made of only one substance, the present moment. The best way to take care of the future is to do our best to take care of the present moment. It isn't helpful to get lost in the past or the future. When we are lost, we cannot take care of the present, the past, or the future. The secret of transformation at the base lies in our handling of this very moment with mindfulness. If we know how to handle the present moment, not only will we live deeply each moment of our life, but we can also transform the past and build a future.

You're letting these diagnoses and past experiences hold you down like chains. What about the outside world, other people, or yourself is preventing you from living in the present, with peace and joy? In the end, this life is transitory and only meaningful if you make it so. Don't be afraid of what others will think, just live, free as the wind.

The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
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Re: Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 20th 2013, 02:19 PM

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm just so sick of living like this. Having to fight for every single thing. Having to force myself to do basic things. I spent 14 months in DBT learning and practicing all these skills and for what? I'm consciously making an effort to use the skills and to try and get myself out of this and nothing is making any difference. The world is still a horrible place full of horrible people and I'm still miserable. I've managed to stop crying hysterically, but all that has happened is my head has cleared enough to start making suicide plans and thinking about how I'm going to word the note. I've spent the last 8 years trying to get better because I don't want to hurt the people that I care about. I think I've earned the right to be selfish.
I'm giving it a couple more weeks. Have contacted my therapist, will try to get in to see my psychiatrist and am going to keep going with the skills etc in the meantime, but 6th May is looking to be the likely date.
Sorry to have wasted everyones time. You've all been very good to me.
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Re: Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 20th 2013, 05:11 PM

You havent wasted anyones time at all.
Good for you for trying again and we are all here for you.
We enjoy helping you and wanna make sure your okay.

Every heartbreak we go through makes us the perfect person for our soulmates. Shaping us into what they've always been looking for.

Need to talk, PM me.

To people(like me) who think asking for help annoys people I say:
It would bother me if you DIDN'T ask for help.
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Re: Need help. Don't know where to turn. - April 24th 2013, 06:30 AM

Hey, Ella.

I know things must be pretty hard, even simple small things. I'm sorry for that. I think you should try little things, just try your best to get up and walk around your house. Eat a little bit if you can, then maybe sit on your porch and get a little air to get you used to being outside. Then maybe take a walk when you feel a little more comfortable. Just ease your way into these things until they get a little easier. I'm so relieved to hear your mom cares so much about you. Do this for her. <3

Stay Strong <3
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