Triggering (Suicide): So close...

[Son of Kings]

Before, there used to be two main things holding me back from taking my own life. Fear of going to hell for murdering myself and family/friends. But when it comes to family and friends, I'm holding back for them. I couldn't care less about myself. I've spent my entire lives doing things for people without so much as a simple thank you. My parents never talk to me unless they want to lecture me or make me do something. My teachers never talk to me unless it has to do with school work and my friends if you can call them that, only talk to me when they need something. Whether it be a ride, homework or a shoulder to cry on. Meanwhile I am physically unable to cry anymore. No one is there with a shoulder when I need it, homework when I need it or a ride when I need it.

With my "friends", I'm the only keeping anything going. I have to go up to them. I have to greet them. I have to keep the conversation going. I just want for once someone to come say hi to me. Not hi, did you do the homework?

I'm tired of doing things for everybody. Even dealing with this deafening emotional pain just so they won't be sad for a few days and get over it. Now, I do things for me and me alone. Seems to be working for everyone else.

Now that I've eliminated the friend buffer, the last thing left is my beliefs and that is slowly losing ground. Kind of hard to love the Lord when I can't even like myself.

[Coffee Stain]

i am just so sorry you feel so down and no one is there for you <3 sending you some love