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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
cjbswims259 Offline
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Name: Conor Burnett
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Location: New Jersey

Posts: 1
Join Date: April 24th 2013

Unhappy Hopeless, helpless and ones who judge - April 24th 2013, 01:56 AM

My names Conor Burnett. I am 18 year old freshmen in college. Its hard to explain my life and feelings and emotions but ill do my best but sit tight for a little back story is necessary.
I lost my Father to suicide at the end of my freshmen year in High School and it was one of the most unexpected and devastating things to ever happen to me. My Parents were divorced at the time but that didn't cause any problems having him 5 minutes away and seeing him all the time but I never really appreciated it as much as I should have. He loved us more then anything making sure to call every night to talk to us, see how things were going and to make sure we were doing well in school. We would visit him every other weekend go out and play baseball or go to the mall. He was nothing short of a wonderful father but that day coming home after work and hearing the news of him being gone crippled me. Crippled me in a way thats not seen by many but only by the affected themselves. It almost feels surreal but once it hits you it hits harder then anything you've felt before. But this was only accompanied by something that haunts me still to this day.
The night before he came over to visit but I had already made plans to go out with friends, smoke pot and have some fun and in my mind it was ok to just leave because i could always see him again. So i borrowed 30$ from him to by drugs and only sat down with him for 25 mins to watch Mr. and Mrs. smith. Before running out the door i forgot to hug him goodbye and told him I would repay him the 30$ I borrowed and him being the cool suave man he is said " Don't worry about it. "
How could a son do that, forget to give him a hug and borrow money to buy drugs. It kills me inside every day, always wishing i could go back and spend more time with him, and make sure to give him that last hug before he left. I sometimes blame myself for him killing myself. I blame myself for not being a better son. This pain in my mind has only been growing cause me to hate myself and despise what i have done. And since then This problem of depression and suicide has only gotten worse and escalated.
Ever since then I have become someone That is not me. I am someone who puts on a facade to make everyone happy and like me. I am always cheery and happy but inside its nothing but polar opposites. I am a good looking guy and have tons of friends. I am super friendly and outgoing and people think im funny and a great guy but i still find some way to hate myself. Im always sad or sick and feel meaningless. Feeling down all the time, hating myself, has been going on for almost a year if not more and wont seem to leave my side. I struggle in school because of it, I struggle to get myself out of bed because of it, i struggle to put on this act of the happiest, outgoing, funny guy but without others acceptance or recognition i struggle and start to hate myself even more.
The only reason i have not killed myself as well if because i have the greatest family in the world. My mother is beyond extra-ordinary. She goes above in beyond and no matter what i do she always is there for me to make things better. My brother and sister are also the greatest siblings in the world and i couldn't ask for better and the less i see them the more i miss them. How could i hurt them and make them feel the way i felt when my father passed. I don't hate my father i love him more than anything but to put that pain onto my loved ones to i cannot do. Although every day is a struggle and i don't know how to handle it anymore. I cant talk to others about this stuff because I'm afraid to and seeing how they have judged my other friends for showing their feeling i cant reveal my to accept the same fate. I keep up this facade and wont ever let it fall or break to show others what I'm really like.

This life is a struggle and i cannot do this much longer, depression, anxiety, need for acceptance. Life shouldn't be this hard especially for a young guy like myself. Who can i talk to when people judge so harshly and don't understand or just think that we should be able to suck it up. My friend the other day said stress and depression aren't a big deal and people should shut up and suck it up. The pain that rushed through my head as i thought of my father who couldn't deal with it anymore, the pain, the stress, the depression and killed himself but who am i to fight them on it. Does it ever get better before i can play this game and put on this act anymore.?????
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Hopeless, helpless and ones who judge - April 24th 2013, 02:01 AM

ok first of all im sorry about Your dad. second don't remember the bad times you had with your dad remember all the good times and if you do something oyu wouldn't just hurt your regular family you would hurt your teenhelp family to .. once you come onto teenhelp you enter a family who all care for you a lot and love you and don't want to see you get hurt ... please if you need anything PM or YM me i don't want to see you go through this i will help you

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Re: Hopeless, helpless and ones who judge - April 26th 2013, 03:21 AM

Hi, Conor.

Wow, you have been through so much and honestly, I have so much respect for you. After all this, all these painful things you've been through and are going through, you're here still trying, reaching out. Reading through this, about your dad and the whole situation and the fact you have an amazing family, it honestly brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry about your dad... That's really awful for anyone to have to go through and especially the situation. My parents are divorced as well and dad makes sure to call each day as well to check on us, make sure we have enough food and see how we're doing. I couldn't imagine if he did something like this. So really, I'm truly sorry, Conor. Listen though, it isn't your fault, alright? He was probably going through depression from the divorce and probably other things. He spent time with you guys which shows he loved you so much. He kept in touch, he stayed around you, he loved you and it wasn't your fault. You cannot blame yourself, okay? I can understand how much that would haunt you, about borrowing money and then that being the last situation. I am so sorry about that. You know though, in that moment, he still knew you cared about him a lot. Just because you went to hang out with friends didn't drive him to suicide. He knows you love him.

Might be very painful, but I think it would help more than you'd know if you went to his grave and put some flowers there. And just talk, confess to this, let him know how much you regret that day, let him know what a great father he is and how much you miss and love him. Getting those feelings out may really help you. Afterwards, you can write your feelings and thoughts towards this whole thing in a journal. Maybe you could talk to your mom or siblings about this? Or a therapist/your school counselor. Whenever you're sad and overwhelmed with guilt, especially something like this, it can eat you up till you talk about it with someone. You deserve to have someone to talk to and your friends don't seem very supportive talking about depression in that way because "sucking it up" is not that simple and not to be taken lightly.

Honestly, I'm so glad you have a great family who loves you a lot to keep you from suicide. I'm sorry you have those thoughts but your life really is worth it and your family couldn't cope. I think you really need to talk to someone since this has developed into suicidal thoughts though.

In the meantime, try to distract yourself from things. Do something you enjoy, take up a new hobby, try out sports, meet new people, play games, listen to music. Go for walks, get a pet and cuddle with it, they're good companionships and help with stress/loneliness.

Eventually, talking about this and reminding yourself that it wasn't your fault will eventually bring you peace I hope. It'll take awhile because we all have to grieve. You won't forget him, okay? You won't be cutting him out of your life and leaving him behind. You'll just be able to remember the good memories and smile. He's in your heart, always will be, always will be with you and that's the truth. I really hope I helped you a bit. It's just, it's not your fault, hun. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. You can message me on here or E-Mail me anytime. Remember things do get easier, they do. You can heal, it's possible. The rainbow always comes out after the storm. <3

Stay Strong <3
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