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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 24th 2013, 04:02 AM

First of, let me just be clear I'm not suicidal. This is probably going to be more of a venting thing than anything, I'm not really sure what I'm asking here.

I've been struggling with depression for well, more than a few years now. Things have gotten a lot better thanks to my boyfriend, and the year and 6+ months we've been in a LDR. But I'm still struggling. I graduated high school last year, and have yet to start college or even start applying honestly. I don't really know where to start on accomplishing that, and my Senior year I had so much crap going on in my life in addition to school work I didn't even bother. My parents got mad at me for that, because I'd decided on my own I was going to take a year off to save up some money and figure stuff out. Told me "you aren't going to sit on your ass all summer doing nothing" ...when clearly that wasn't my intention to begin with if I was going to save up money. I worked all summer and am still working, and I've saved a LOT of the money I've earned doing so. I don't think I've spent all that much total of what I've made, but I'm not sure on an exact amount. I work at the minimum 4 days a week, though it's usually five. Yet I still get yelled at all the time for not doing anything, which I can't even begin to comprehend when my mom works one day a week and that's it. In addition to work, I also do everything asked of me at home (cleaning the house, weeding flowerbeds, doing dishes, ect) and while not all the time, on pretty regular occasion, also do other stuff that I know needs to be done without even being asked. I never even get so much as a thank you for doing any of it. Which regardless as to if someone tells you to, I'd still think it'd be nice to get a thank you...I mean I thank my parents for doing stuff for me when I didn't ask them to. I don't think it's asking for much just to get a bit of appreciation for something...
They've been on my case about school here a lot lately, and honestly, it's driving me insane. My dad told me that I HAVE to start school this fall, I can't just keep doing nothing (and its not like he said that meaning he wanted me to do something more, mind you. There is a distinction.) like I've been sitting at home staring at the walls 24/7 or something. I don't have a problem with going to school, really. But they act like I don't want to go, just because I told them I don't want to go to a community college I can walk to from my house. I want to leave, and do my own thing. I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life doing what they tell me I need too. I just want to make my own decision on it and be HAPPY with where I decide to go. I want to have the chance to make my own mistakes and learn from them, and to prove I'm not a huge fuckup and that I can do things on my own. Is that really such a horrible thing for me to want? I mean I don't drink or do drugs, I don't sleep around, I don't go out and party every night and get in trouble. I don't do ANYTHING. And I never have. So I don't see why they have any reason or right to treat me like I'm some spawn of satan out to piss them off and disapoint them.
I'm tired of being stuck in a house where people judge me for every breath I take and act like I've committed the most horrific crime anyone can. I'm tired of being belittled and mocked when they think I can't hear them and really can. I'm tired of having no support when I need it, and no encouragement for anything I do or want to do. I'm tired of having no one take interest in anything I like. I'm tired of being "picked on" when its not funny to begin with and just hurts. I'm tired of being yelled at for everything, when I can't even tell what it is I've "done" wrong. I'm tired of never being good enough... and I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm tired of my depression, and I just want to be happy.
I can't talk to them about anything, because the last time I tried to tell them how I felt about something, my mom literally yelled at me and told me how I said I felt was bullshit. I can't talk to them about this stuff without breaking down, and I know that without trying. Anytime I break down around them they just use it as an excuse to yell at me for crying every time someone says something, at least according to them. I have a good sum of money saved, more than enough to leave. And I have plenty of places I can stay, but I don't want to drag anyone else into this. My boyfriend and his family have offered me a room to stay with them multiple times, but that is honestly something I'm a little wary of because I feel like I'd be a burden. I don't want to burden anyone, really...I just don't know what else to do. And I know I need to leave, but I don't know how, like at all.

And now I really don't know the point of even posting this.


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 24th 2013, 06:12 AM

Hi, Nikki!

I think it's good you posted this because venting and getting your feelings out is a really good way to express yourself.

I'm really sorry about how your parents treat you. That's not fair at all and is really mean. You definitely don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone, especially your parents. You're a really good person for still helping out around the house even though your parents don't even say that simple thank you that people need to hear.

I think that you really should move in with your boyfriend. He offered, several times so surely you won't be a burden. He's your boyfriend so he obviously cares about you and would love to have you there. And HE offered, not like you invited yourself. I think you should move in with him because it's obvious that your parents bring you down a lot by the way they treat you. You deserve to be around people who treat you with respect.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to, Nikki.

Stay Strong! <3
   
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Re: Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 25th 2013, 04:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Christabel View Post
Hi, Nikki!

I think it's good you posted this because venting and getting your feelings out is a really good way to express yourself.

I'm really sorry about how your parents treat you. That's not fair at all and is really mean. You definitely don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone, especially your parents. You're a really good person for still helping out around the house even though your parents don't even say that simple thank you that people need to hear.

I think that you really should move in with your boyfriend. He offered, several times so surely you won't be a burden. He's your boyfriend so he obviously cares about you and would love to have you there. And HE offered, not like you invited yourself. I think you should move in with him because it's obvious that your parents bring you down a lot by the way they treat you. You deserve to be around people who treat you with respect.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to, Nikki.

Stay Strong! <3
Thank you for replying, it means a lot <3

That's true, I just, I dunno. I always feel like offers to help me are only someone being polite, be it him and his family offering me somewhere to go, or someone offering to listen to my problems, or whatever else. I don't know why, I've just always felt like that. Besides that, I really just don't know how to leave. I feel like I need to talk to them, but I don't know if I could handle the confrontation I know will come with it...I've thought about leaving a note but I'm still not sure. I've always been the type to be home. I've never done anything against my parents will or really gone and done anything...I'm sick of being that way but it feels kinda impossible to get around. .____. I have no idea.

Thank you darling, it really does mean a lot <3


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 25th 2013, 05:24 AM

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Originally Posted by Intoxicated Brutality View Post
Thank you for replying, it means a lot <3

That's true, I just, I dunno. I always feel like offers to help me are only someone being polite, be it him and his family offering me somewhere to go, or someone offering to listen to my problems, or whatever else. I don't know why, I've just always felt like that. Besides that, I really just don't know how to leave. I feel like I need to talk to them, but I don't know if I could handle the confrontation I know will come with it...I've thought about leaving a note but I'm still not sure. I've always been the type to be home. I've never done anything against my parents will or really gone and done anything...I'm sick of being that way but it feels kinda impossible to get around. .____. I have no idea.

Thank you darling, it really does mean a lot <3
You're very welcome.

I understand what you mean so much. I have the same feeling, a lot. About how it feels like people are just being polite... But then I have to remind myself that it's irrational when it comes to those around me who really care about me. Why would they not mean it? They do. I also understand what you mean. It could be awkward, complicated and hard but I think once you do it, it'll feel a lot better to be out of there. I think leaving a note would be good and easier for you.

I'm here if you need me, and I mean that. I don't mind listening and I'm here for support on whichever choices you make.
   
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Re: Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 28th 2013, 12:25 AM

Nikki, I understand why you feel this way obviously as i've said several times. I understand it being hard, and that's why i don't try to pressure you about it I just want you to be happy <3. You are very welcome here and trust me you will NOT be a burden, and my parents don't think that you would be ether that's why we've invited you down here to help you, and make you happy <3. I do care about you very very much, trust me when I say you can talk to me i'm not just saying it to be nice i'm saying it because I care and love you, and because I understand what it feels like to be alone. You're not alone, and as long as i'm here never will be. your parents treat you like crap, and over the last pretty much two years i've tried to understand why just to get their point of view but i just can't because it makes no sense. you're the perfect daughter to them pretty much. I just want you to be happy, and do what you feel like you want to do, and obviously that isn't happening while you're there <3



<3 ‎"I'll never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. i'll be there through it all" <3
   
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Re: Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 28th 2013, 12:32 AM

Hi, Nikki, I agree with Christabel. You definitely should move in with your boyfriend and his family. According to Josh's post, he and his parents would love to have you. It sounds like they're the parents you deserve, not your own. Think about it, and you are old enough to make a sound decision and to know what is best for you. If moving in with Josh and his family is the best for you at this time, until you get on your feet, then do it. Put yourself first, don't listen to the voices of your parents themselves or their echoes in your head.

I'm here if you want to talk. Really consider it, all right?
   
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Re: Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 28th 2013, 02:55 AM

I agree that maybe it would be a good idea to move in with Josh and his family. I don't think that they would continually offer if they didn't truly mean you, and I think that he really would love having you around. I bet they would be a whole lot more supportive than your own parents as well, and you also have every right to leave and go there if that is what you want. Maybe if you think it would help put your mind at ease you can offer to do things to help, even if they are small things like making a family meal or putting away the dishes sometimes to show your appreciation, but I bet no matter what they truly would love to have you.

You are such an amazing person. I know that we don't talk all of the time or anything but it's just something about you, I can tell that you are amazing and that you and Josh are perfect for eachother. You don't deserve the crap your parents put you through and you are a whole lot better than they say you are.

I know that you may not get the appreciation you deserve from them but I still think you should get out there and do what you love, follow your dreams. If you want to move away and start somewhere new, even if it's with Josh for a little bit before you get on your feet, do so. If you want to go to college somewhere that's not so close, feel free. Sometimes we do need a bit of a change from our normal scenery and moving in can do that for you. Then pursue what makes you happiest because even if your parents don't state how proud they are of you, I can tell Josh is so proud of you, his family cares about you, and we do as well. Not only that, but pursuing your dreams will make you proud of yourself. It'll prove all of the negative things they say about you wrong and let you know that you can do this, because I know you can.

Do what it is that you need to do to make you happy, and don't let your parents hold you back. Don't live with the regret of doing what it is they want you to do, but instead make your own path, write your own chapter in your book. It's hard, but I know you can.

-Dez


   
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Re: Feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here. - April 30th 2013, 02:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitis View Post
Nikki, I understand why you feel this way obviously as i've said several times. I understand it being hard, and that's why i don't try to pressure you about it I just want you to be happy <3. You are very welcome here and trust me you will NOT be a burden, and my parents don't think that you would be ether that's why we've invited you down here to help you, and make you happy <3. I do care about you very very much, trust me when I say you can talk to me i'm not just saying it to be nice i'm saying it because I care and love you, and because I understand what it feels like to be alone. You're not alone, and as long as i'm here never will be. your parents treat you like crap, and over the last pretty much two years i've tried to understand why just to get their point of view but i just can't because it makes no sense. you're the perfect daughter to them pretty much. I just want you to be happy, and do what you feel like you want to do, and obviously that isn't happening while you're there <3
I love you <3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly Bliss View Post
Hi, Nikki, I agree with Christabel. You definitely should move in with your boyfriend and his family. According to Josh's post, he and his parents would love to have you. It sounds like they're the parents you deserve, not your own. Think about it, and you are old enough to make a sound decision and to know what is best for you. If moving in with Josh and his family is the best for you at this time, until you get on your feet, then do it. Put yourself first, don't listen to the voices of your parents themselves or their echoes in your head.

I'm here if you want to talk. Really consider it, all right?
I know I'm old enough, I don't know. I guess more than anything it's that "fear of uncertainty" because I've never done anything like this before..I've never done anything to cause any trouble around here and I know this will. And while they may act it, I've never really done anything against their will. It's just something that's really difficult for me to get my mind around, I guess.

Thank you so much <3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cataclysmic View Post
I agree that maybe it would be a good idea to move in with Josh and his family. I don't think that they would continually offer if they didn't truly mean you, and I think that he really would love having you around. I bet they would be a whole lot more supportive than your own parents as well, and you also have every right to leave and go there if that is what you want. Maybe if you think it would help put your mind at ease you can offer to do things to help, even if they are small things like making a family meal or putting away the dishes sometimes to show your appreciation, but I bet no matter what they truly would love to have you.

You are such an amazing person. I know that we don't talk all of the time or anything but it's just something about you, I can tell that you are amazing and that you and Josh are perfect for eachother. You don't deserve the crap your parents put you through and you are a whole lot better than they say you are.

I know that you may not get the appreciation you deserve from them but I still think you should get out there and do what you love, follow your dreams. If you want to move away and start somewhere new, even if it's with Josh for a little bit before you get on your feet, do so. If you want to go to college somewhere that's not so close, feel free. Sometimes we do need a bit of a change from our normal scenery and moving in can do that for you. Then pursue what makes you happiest because even if your parents don't state how proud they are of you, I can tell Josh is so proud of you, his family cares about you, and we do as well. Not only that, but pursuing your dreams will make you proud of yourself. It'll prove all of the negative things they say about you wrong and let you know that you can do this, because I know you can.

Do what it is that you need to do to make you happy, and don't let your parents hold you back. Don't live with the regret of doing what it is they want you to do, but instead make your own path, write your own chapter in your book. It's hard, but I know you can.

-Dez
I'm trying to change so that I don't keep making mistakes like this, it's just really challenging for me to do. I'm just so worried I'll do what I think is right for myself and end up with no family left who will talk to me or anything...I mean I disappoint my parents all the time as is, so it would seem, but I don't want to lose everyone else too. I've spent so much time feeling so alone over the years, it just makes it that much worse I guess...

Thank you so much for posting this though. It may not make me see everything clearly all the way, but it's helping me. I guess I just need to know I'm not screwing up from other peoples point of view, ones not as involved as Josh and myself, if that makes any sense.

I'm glad I have TH to come to when I need some extra people to talk to, I love all of you guys so much <3


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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