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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
EatenByAGrue Offline
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Name: Chris
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Pathetic - April 30th 2013, 04:24 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, I was hoping I could create an alias account to post this. I was hoping that people wouldn't have to know I've crashed again.

Anyway.

I've crashed again. I have no idea what I'm doing. All my beautifully laid plans that I have been working on for the last ten months are starting to taste like ash in my mouth.

So I've been away for... I don't know. Twelve months? In that time I've; moved out of home, moved again, and again, this time across the whole damn country. Lived with my girlfriend and her parents for 6 months. Borrowed my girlfriends grandmothers flat for a couple of months. Found my own place. Got kicked out of that after two weeks for no good reason.

Also while this was happening I found a job.

Found a new place all to myself whilst having money force-ably removed from me like an IV left to drain into a bathtub in order to fund this new place.

Started 'almost'-uni. Scared the crap out of myself by thinking I was going to fail 'almost'-uni. Finished that. Moved onto 'not-quite-but-so-close-to'-uni.

Realised I can't afford to stay casual if I ever want to take holidays and go part time. Lose $5 an hour. Realise I can't afford to be part time, up my hours from 20 hours a week to 30 hours a week. Realise I can't realistically study 3 units and work 30 hours a week. Drop a unit.

Putter along for 4 or 5 weeks. Start to get more and more stressed out, run down, more and more unable to cope.

Start to realise, I've gone from having my degree by 23, to I'll be damn near 30 by the time I get it (about 27).

Start to think. Fuck this I should have joined the army. Realise the army didn't want me. Start to miss Army Cadets, and all my friends.

Ponder how ironic it is that one of the main reasonings for moving and going to university was to make friends. Look around. No friends. At least not that I am able to visit and don't annoy the fuck out of.

Find myself standing at work in front of my shelving cupboard pondering the containers of fresh blades for the box cutters, wondering why I never could bring myself to cut.

Sitting here tonight wishing desperately I had a friend or girlfriend who wasn't too far away to not be able to help, or not be too busy to not care.

Realising that at 21 years of age that everything worthwhile I have ever tried I have failed miserably at.

Coming to understand just how pathetic I really am.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I apologise for the format of the above post. I typed it as it came to me.

Cheers,

Have a great day, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I should know better then this. I was past all this. This should be behind me. I was better.

<3
   
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Eljoria Offline
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Re: Pathetic - April 30th 2013, 04:45 PM

Wow, I know where you are coming from, I'm amazard by this; I would like to be your friend, having a friend doesn't cost you, surely.

Don't let the negatives get at you, try and be strong, think you can do things, if you have failed at one thing, at least you learned from that mistake and not to make that same mistake which will make you a stronger person.

PM if you need me.

Hope I've helped


Jay

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Re: Pathetic - April 30th 2013, 05:55 PM

Hey Chris,

I know things have been hard for you lately and just to let you know, I'm always here for you.
Things are going to be hard, trying to afford a house and attend university. BUt things are going to get better and once you have your degree, you can get a better job and afford a better place, you need to keep working towards that. Things are hard at the moment but in the long run it will be worth it.
Perhaps you can talk to your parents and borrow some money off the for a while? Or get a loan, just to get you through university with just a part time job, that will take a lot of the pressure off.

I'm sorry about the army, it's thier loss lovely. At te end of the day, you can apply in a few years if you still want to, once you've sorted your health out. Things happen for a reason, don't get yourself worked up about something that you can't change.
Go out there and make some new friends, talk to random people at university and at work. Perhaps you could find yourself a new hobby in which you can meet new people? Don't give up, you'll find new friends

It's a good thing that you can't bring yourself to cut, you don't want to. It's addictive and it just ruins your body. You are so strong and you are going to get through this. If you ever get urges to Self Harm please take a look at the alternatives thread, they will help to distract you while the urges fade. Not all of them may work for you, it is trial and error, but hang in there and you will find one that does.

I know that your girlfriend loves you, talk to her, explain how you are feeling and let her help you. She may be a woman but she can't read minds :P You need to talk to her.

In no way are you pathetic Chris, or wasting anyones time. It's okay not to be okay! I'm always here if you want to talk, let people in, let people help you.

Stay strong and take care,
Charli <3


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RIP Peter <3
   
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Re: Pathetic - May 1st 2013, 12:49 PM

Hey, Chris.

Thank you for reaching out.

You aren't pathetic at all! I'm really sorry all this is going on... It sounds so stressful, so hard but you know, it will get better. Especially after you get your degree and get a better paying job. So many people have financial issues and struggle when they're in college. You aren't pathetic or alone in this situation for that.

I cannot imagine how easy it must be right now to start cutting yourself but listen closely, it's not worth it. I know you need something to help you, to relieve your feelings but it doesn't work. It's a bad habit to get into and just doesn't work forever. It's an extremely bad coping mechanism.

Things seem so hard and stressful right now... I know you're gonna look back on this in the future and just see how much things can improve. You can get through this and come out on top. Believe in yourself, make sure you stay motivated. Talk to your girlfriend about all this. I'm sure she loves you a lot and would want you to open up about the things bothering you.

Good luck.
You can do this!

Stay Strong <3
   
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