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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
floatingangel Offline
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thoughts running through my mind i guess - April 30th 2013, 08:57 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

been off this site for quite some time, i guess because a lot of things here trigger me and i wasn't stable enough to stay. on one hand i find comfort learning people are struggling with the same thoughts and feelings (or lack thereof), and on the other it kind of just triggered the negative thoughts i have.
but anyway, just posting i guess, because i feel kinda lonely, in a place where there's no one who knows how i feel and where people bitch about other people who are depressed. also people who talk about people who were abused and all as being crazy, as somehow lesser of a human being. and i guess, my history of being sexually abused as a young child, and depression, and all those sort of "crazy" stuff made me feel so judged even though these people do not know that i'm one of those "crazy" people they're talking about.
i don't want to kill myself. but i do wish and i wish with all my heart that somehow life would come to the end soon. i know how suicide causes pain to people around more than say something else like death by accident, so i don't want to kill myself. but it's just so difficult to face each day, knowing that many days following, i'd still have to live on this planet.
i haven't been cutting, or self-harming, just because i know it's the right thing to do, and i'm thankful that the urges have become rather faint already. i guess that's a good thing. once in a while, i look forward to things, which i have not done for most of my life. i've been depressed for so long, perhaps 11 years of my 21 yr old life, and just am quite pessimistic as to whether i can survive outside of my depressed self. i'm so afraid of intimacy, and everyone around me is getting into relationships, and they laugh at me for not wanting one. i don't know if i ever would want one. i dunno what i'm really saying... i guess i just feel so different, as though i'm from another planet.
and my health isn't helping. my health really sucks. i feel weak half the time, faint the other half, and i hardly have energy to do things. and i mean that kind of physical energy, not even talking about emotional or mental energy.
just so tired that i wish that i could just sleep and never wake up. i wish that i was never born so that i don't have to die and make people upset that i'm dead.
sigh, i guess life is suffering, and you just move on one day at a time...



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: thoughts running through my mind i guess - April 30th 2013, 10:34 PM

Aslong as you are not doing anything irrational or.."Bad" for yourself, i guess its okay.

I've had problems, that ...i don't think anyone on this planet could relate to.

And it hurts.

Strong people become weak

weak people become strong

Strong people become weak

weak people become strong

It never ends.

Life is just a big game, and who said anything about cheating, or quitting?


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Re: thoughts running through my mind i guess - May 1st 2013, 12:51 PM

Hi, darling.

I'm so sorry about how you're feeling and everything that's happened to you. That's really awful... Listen, I know some people see others that were abused as "different" or "crazy"... That's not right. I know someone, someone I hold really close to my heart that was abused as a child. Honestly, today he's an amazing person today. Who's been through so much and I have a lot of respect for him. I don't see him differently as a person himself, I just see him as stronger and so tough. I do feel sad he went through all that though, I've cried so many times for him but I found that after talking about the situation with him and both of us being open with our thoughts/feelings towards it really helped me be more content, him too. So is there anyone you can tell about this? I'm sorry people joke about it... It's really so immature to do that, especially about something as serious as this. Maybe you could talk with a therapist? Or tell someone, via a note or text might be easier.

About the relationship thing, you've still got your whole life ahead of you and all the time in the world for that. You've just gotten into your adult years so don't let others bring you down. Honestly, it doesn't matter what age we are when we get into a relationship, it matters that we wait till we're ready and fully developed and know about ourselves. To be able to fully give it our all for this special person. To be able to know we deserve someone great. Instead of just jumping into a relationship because everyone else is.

I see you as a strong person too. You've been through a lot but you're still thinking of God, of Heaven and keeping in mind all those people close to you who would be sad if you were gone. You're an amazing person to see that all those bad things people do to themselves don't work, and you're still holding on.

Writing your feelings in a journal could help express yourself better. Pets are cuddly and are great for comfort. I love cuddling with my cat or dog, they're great listeners too. Going for walks are really refreshing as well. Doing things that you enjoy or trying new things might help keep you happy, you know, having something to look forward to and the excitement of something new. Take up beading, knitting, biking, a sport, draw, paint, or watch tv/movies, play games, listen to music. Keep your adrenaline up with stuff that requires a lot of activity. Adrenaline keeps your mood hyper. Also, the right vitamins and such can get your mood up and happy, and it's natural.

I'm really sorry that you feel the way you do, but I'm really happy and inspired of your state of mind, how you look at things. So I really hope I helped a bit and I hope you feel better soon. I just want you to know I really admire you and I'm here if you need someone to talk to. You can get through this, alright? You're amazing, special, and really worth it.

Stay Strong <3
   
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Re: thoughts running through my mind i guess - May 2nd 2013, 03:55 AM

thank you so much for your replies and thanks Christabel, that is really very sweet of you! sadly a lot of my counselors so far have been pretty bad, and i can't say i'd want to talk to any of them... it's kinda a strange place to be because friends that i'm close to don't understand and probably would be judgmental too.. i mean just because someone is a good friend doesn't mean they'd be someone who could deal with my feelings you know?
and yes i totally agree with the pets thing i've a pet bunny who i'm totally in love with and who really give me that kind of unconditional love i guess. ah i've a health problem that keeps my energy level pretty low actually. it's like, that health problem, plus my bad experiences of abuse, plus history of depression in my house, i reckon i didn't even stand a chance with depression. I guess it's a miracle in itself that i'm where i am now where i'm stable half the time
guess i just gotta learn to ignore some people and what they say because they are just ignorant... i may be as ignorant if i didn't have the experience i've had, so can't blame them there either....
anyway, thanks again for the replies makes me feel less alone, like some other person could actually hear me



and the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid"
   
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Re: thoughts running through my mind i guess - May 2nd 2013, 05:13 AM

You're welcome, hun! Sorry your counselors have been bad... Not all of them are the same though. I know what you mean with the friend thing. At least now though, with all these bad experiences, you're at a place where you're a little stronger and you're more experienced. You're more understanding and appreciative. Not saying what happened to you is good, nobody deserves that but with you and the amazing person you are, something good came out of it. You found something positive.

Lovely person. <3
   
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