Triggering (Suicide): Chronic Depression

[semiunbalanced]

Preface: I was diagnosed with depression when I was in High School but after looking and studying my history it was found that I have dealt with depression since I was seven years old. According to past records, I went up to my mom at the age of six and told her that I was lonely. When that got ignored it only got worse. I was seven years old when I told her I wanted to jump off a bridge and disappear. She didn't take me seriously. She thought I had watched too many movies. When I got upset and cried, I usually just took it out on myself. My parents never understood why I got so upset but it was mostly because I couldn't get myself to shut up. I used to cry the night before my Birthday (starting at age 5 and continuing on until about 12 years old) saying that I was going to miss the previous age and that I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to grow up too fast and I had just gotten the hang of being the previous age. Apparently, I was very intelligent for a kid my age. My parents were never worried though. I never learned how to cope with it.

Since then a lot has happened. It has been recognized that my mind is a scary place to live, and that a lot happens in a short amount of time for me. When asked to write down my thoughts for fifteen minutes, over half of them were about death. I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel really alone in this. Most of my friends hit a depressive state around their teenage years and have since grown out of it or are learning that it's not the lifestyle they want to live. For me, it's a serious disorder that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. If I lived with it as a six year old and am now still trying to find my way as a nineteen year old, clearly it isn't just a "stage" for me. Many that I know have grown tired of being there for me or it becomes too much for them. They don't know why I'm not "growing up" or why I keep slipping up. They don't understand that age plays no factor in it for me. It doesn't matter if things get better. I still have the chemical imbalance in my brain that triggers depression. Medication screws with my anxiety and the combination of the drugs sends me spiraling.

I don't really know if I'm looking for advice... maybe just a support system? Maybe to know that other people understand where I'm coming from? That it's not a stage that lasts a few years for some and then when they find their place, they grow out of it? That the phrase "It gets better" doesn't do anything for me? That this is something I'm going to have to cope with forever? Anybody else like this?

[livelaughlove92]

I know exactly where you're coming from. And you're not alone, believe me. You have been suffering from depression for so long that you can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. Never compare yourself to others. Your brain is different therefore your recovery will be too. Some people fall into depression, and then get out of depression. As nice as that sounds, some people don't. Many people, my self included, don't simply "get over it" but accept that this is part of them, and that there are many healthy ways to cope and live with it, without it affecting your life. Please don't let that scare you. Depression is so hard to deal with sometimes. I get that. And you have been suffering from it since a child, so you probably don't even remember a time when you weren't depressed. This may be contributing to the problem of your slow recovery. But you will get to a happy place, it will be hard, but I promise you will. As for realizing that your mind is a dark place, that is part of depression. We are capable of so many emotions, that depression often only lets us see the darkest and scariest parts of our mind. But you don't have to live like that. You can be in control of your thoughts with the help of therapy. Medication is tricky. It can be hard to find the exact one that works with your brain. I recommend switching doctors and getting a second opinion. It won't be easy, but it's for the best. I know it can feel like no one gets it at all. Even with parents, doctors, therapists, and friends. They aren't going through exactly what you are going through, so the best they can do is feel sympathetic and do their best to help. I know how frustrating this can be, but try and accept their help. No one knows exactly what is going on in your brain except for you, which is why you feel so isolated. But everyones conscious's are different. Don't forget that. As cheesy and annoying as this may sound stay strong and I truly believe in you <333 Even if you think no one gets it, at least one person does, me. Pm me if you even need anything or just want to talk

[hayhay0613]

Originally Posted by semiunbalanced

Preface: I was diagnosed with depression when I was in High School but after looking and studying my history it was found that I have suffered with depression since I was seven years old. According to past records, I went up to my mom at the age of six and told her that I was lonely. When that got ignored it only got worse. I was seven years old when I told her I wanted to jump off a bridge and disappear. She didn't take me seriously. She thought I had watched too many movies. When I got upset and cried, I usually just took it out on myself. My parents never understood why I got so upset but it was mostly because I couldn't get myself to shut up. I used to cry the night before my Birthday (starting at age 5 and continuing on until about 12 years old) saying that I was going to miss the previous age and that I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to grow up too fast and I had just gotten the hang of being the previous age. Apparently, I was very intelligent for a kid my age. My parents were never worried though. I never learned how to cope with it.

Since then a lot has happened. It has been recognized that my mind is a scary place to live, and that a lot happens in a short amount of time for me. When asked to write down my thoughts for fifteen minutes, over half of them were about death. I guess I'm just frustrated because I feel really alone in this. Most of my friends hit a depressive state around their teenage years and have since grown out of it or are learning that it's not the lifestyle they want to live. For me, it's a serious disorder that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life. If I lived with it as a six year old and am now still trying to find my way as a nineteen year old, clearly it isn't just a "stage" for me. Many that I know have grown tired of being there for me or it becomes too much for them. They don't know why I'm not "growing up" or why I keep slipping up. They don't understand that age plays no factor in it for me. It doesn't matter if things get better. I still have the chemical imbalance in my brain that triggers depression. Medication screws with my anxiety and the combination of the drugs sends me spiraling.

I don't really know if I'm looking for advice... maybe just a support system? Maybe to know that other people understand where I'm coming from? That it's not a stage that lasts a few years for some and then when they find their place, they grow out of it? That the phrase "It gets better" doesn't do anything for me? That this is something I'm going to have to cope with forever? Anybody else like this?

I completely understand what you mean. It's hard to deal with depression at such a young age because people don't talk to you about depression as a child. They don't realize that it's even possible to get depression so young. As for being lonely, that is a side effect of depression but not usually recognized as depression on its own. being ignored while dealing with this can make you feel like your overacting, making things up, etc. I assume that people take you seriously now, but if not there are tons of hotlines you can find.

Like livelaughlove92 said our minds can be scary places and depression makes them always seem scary. We can't escape our minds so death seems like the only option. It is not. The best way to deal with it is to find a support group online or in real life. Teen Help is a great place to help. You are not alone in this. Depression isn't something that just goes away with regular pills. It always stays with you, you don't get over it. You just get through it. We do have to learn to live with it, everyone who has it does, even if it seems like they are completely done with it. It hasn't happened for you yet but I guarantee it will. I went through a similar experience with medication. I had severe anxiety and ADHD. The ADHD meds triggered my anxiety but I needed them. So my doctor switched my ADHD medication to another and I was fine. Ask your doctor about other options.

I know it won't help you but it does get better. PM me any time.

[semiunbalanced]

Thank you for the kind words.

But I disagree about others finding ways to cope with their depression. I'm sure there are people out there who suffer from depression who have to find ways to cope because they'll never get through it otherwise. But I know people who don't have to deal with depression, they just deal with their emotions which are two totally different concepts. This is what I mean when I say I feel like people don't understand. Some people just are depressed. Some people suffer from depression for a few years. Some people are chronically diagnosed. Those who are chronically diagnosed cannot find a cure, only a coping mechanism. Those who are dealing with it for a few years or who experience feelings of depression occasionally simply cope with it for the time being, but then no longer have that chemical imbalance. I guess it doesn't really make sense... it does in my mind though.