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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
HopelessFlowers Offline
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Someone please help me - January 12th 2015, 09:39 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm totally alone in the world, or at least I feel that way, and it sucks so much. I have a boyfriend and a best friend... Both of which will go days without talking to me... When I need them the most, which isn't entirely their fault. I don't know what the fuck to do. I know these people love me, but like... They aren't here... They're always busy when I need them... And I can never flat say 'hey I know your busy but I really need to complain and cry to you', because then I always feel like I'm bothering them. I think I have anxiety and depression, both of which my grandmother has and anxiety is in most of my family, but my mom, I am 19, yes, but I have no job, no licence, and I live with her, ignores me whenever I bring up that I need to get checked, or will talk to me about it, turn it into an argument/pretend like she'll take me, then does nothing. She says she's 'too busy to take me', because she's a teacher. I have a really distorted look on myself and everything around me. I'm so freaking negative. I don't think I'm pretty all, I'm fat and disgusting. That's how I view myself. And my parents don't make it any better. Even though they both know I think I might suffer from depression, they yell at me when I just can't get myself to do anything, calling my lazy, useless, stupid, and all sorts of other mean things. It hurts so much. And I can't ever get out of this god forsaken house because of the 'no licence' thing... Which is also my mom's fault. I don't know what to do. My life is falling apart at the seems, my mental state of being is slipping away from me, my emotions are on such a fritzy hay wire that I'm afraid of what I might do to myself. I'm terrified that one day I'm going to grab a pill bottle, and just take all of them, the whole thing. I don't want to commit suicide, but I can't count the times I've thought about it. I need help so bad, but I just can't get it, because no one cares to help me get it. Oh my god what do I do? I don't wanna be like this, I hate being like this, I hate this person in the mirror, I hate my thoughts, I hate the way I act. I can't keep doing this, I need help... Please I need help.
   
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Re: Someone please help me - January 12th 2015, 10:49 AM

Hello Hope,

I'm really sorry to hear that things at home are making it hard to get the assistance you need in getting better. What I do see is that you're in a place where you recognise this with a lot of clarity, which is one of the most important things - that you realise that it has very much to do with thought process and not just who you are as a person. Since you're 19, wouldn't it be okay for you to go to someone by yourself? Or is that not how it works where you live?

Immediately, one thing I would suggest is start talking to your best friend and boyfriend more freely. Though you may feel like your bothering them, they may actually want you to bother them if what you're feeling is much. They would want to know that you care about them enough to talk to them about what's bothering you. Give them a chance to be there for you and it might really make a difference in how your future interactions change.

At the moment, I'm interacting with a lot of people who've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. What I have found is that physical activity is something that really help them manage their levels of depression/anxiety. Any kind of physical activity, be it just a walk, a few sets of jumping jacks in the morning when they wake up, to swimming and running. But basically, a lifestyle that keeps them moving. Maybe you could try that and see how it works for you. The one thing I've learnt from that is when I exercise or make sure I move a lot throughout the day, I can feel every single cell in my body is alive and there is nothing more satisfying than that - knowing that I'm completely and fully alive in that moment, even if it hurts like nothing on earth.

These changes will not come easily. but these small changes will help you manage the other things in your life and help you get things done. Whether it's tolerating or talking to your parents about seeing someone about all this, whether it's being able to get through a day without allowing it to control your thoughts. things will be okay. you are stronger than you think. Hone in on your strength and anything will be possible. I know it sounds weirdly simple. And it is. Thoughts complicate. We complicate.
Give yourself goals, and focus on them. It will help see you through each day. Take them one at a time.

If you need to talk, PM me anytime.
Take care of yourself,
Kaveri


~Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

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As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Someone please help me - January 12th 2015, 08:32 PM

Hey Hope,

I'm really sorry you're feeling this bad. I want to help. I just want to tell you you aren't alone in this. I want to be that shoulder you need to cry on. I understand how alone and trapped you feel. Especially when living with your mom can seem overwhelming because of how they treat you. I'm sorry they treat you badly. I hope one day things will change with your mom and she does the best she can to help you.
I constantly feel the way you are feeling right now so I really want to help out.

I hope this helped or comforted you in some way and I hope you will count on me to be there for you.
Please message me anytime you feel bad or just want a friend to talk to. I'm never too busy.

get better, Amanda.


'I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore...'
   
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Re: Someone please help me - January 14th 2015, 12:16 PM

Thank you both so much!

Spirit, the advice with moving and having goals, it's very helpful! I'm super into dance so maybe I'll dance every morning, even if it just a simple dance! As for the goals, that part is not so easy. I set goals on the time, the trouble is I never really think I can reach them. So I try for a little while and then I just kind of quit because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Even though I'm sure I am. Plus when I do have goals and I start working towards them, inevitably my parents find some way to tear me down. And sometimes I don't think they quite know that, that's what they're doing. I don't think they understand that the smallest things can really hurt me. Actually I know my mom does and I know she doesn't care. Every time I talk to her about how I feel she either turns it into yelling at me or starts yelling that I make everything her fault and that I think she's a bad mom. And I've never said that... But she'd not wrong I do think she's a bad mom.

Amanda, I'll keep your name in mind! Which shouldn't be hard considering you have the same name as my sister, haha. And what you said was very comforting and very helpful. I love to know that there are people I can rely on, even if I don't know them. In fact, I think I feel more comfortable opening up to totally strangers on this site than to anyone I know.... Eheh.

Thank you both so much again, you've been so helpful!
   
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