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ellalost Offline
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Age: 22

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Join Date: March 22nd 2015

Life is a battle that can't be won - March 22nd 2015, 11:04 PM

My body is my prison, my mind is my hell. Unhappiness is consuming. Its hard to understand. Why is there so much pain all the time. Why is everyday and thing so dark and gloomy. I feel like everything Iím doing is a battle thats impossible to win and the world is fighting me. Its like this constant pressure on my chest thats suffocating me bit by bit slowly. Sometimes on the weekends I am able to come up for air and breath. I lose myself with Alice while we play ukulele and sing or at brunch with Nina, or on my runs. When Iím alone Iím confronted with my dark mind. I get lost in a fog that sucks the joy from my lungs and makes me feel like I will never be able to win. The future seems so hard and dark. Its so rough to feel like you are working so hard and to never see a break in your for-seeable future. Iím fighting to get over the hurtle of the school week to get to the weekend, and that hurtle of the next few weeks to get to break, and the hurtle of the next few months to make it to the summer. All the while I know that there are tests, and finals, and more tests, and preparation for college all in my future. The most I push for my breaks, the more responsibility that Iím going to have to bare. The future terrifies me. Iím scared for my finals, regents, SAT2, APS, SATS, ACTS, college applications, college interviews, college tours, decisions, so many decisions to come. Iím scared that I wonít be happy. The thing is that school is only one thing. Its easier to get by if you feel like there are other good things in your life and school and the future is the only thing to stress about. Thats where my problem really gets worse. There is no where Iím truly happy. When it comes to my body Iím at the lowest of lows. Iím in a fight to stop myself from crying when I look at myself. I canít not see myself as fat. Even now that Iím running I feel fat. Its crushing me because I donít see a place in my future where Iím not going to be conscious of my body, and how can I be happy if I always hate myself. Then there are my friends. I feel like they are there but at school I canít really count on them. I feel like they are superficial and really mean sometimes. Drew is so rich, stuck up, and full of herself and straight up mean sometimes, Sam is so politically incorrect and cruel, Theo is a winey bitch, Simon is a heartless douche bag, Ella can be a good friend sometimes and other times is extremely selfish, Paulina is a good friend, Jack is also a good friend but he is bad at keeping secretes and its sort of annoying, and then their is Ian. Iím not even happy when it comes to the guy I like. He thinks heís better then me (looks and smarts wise) and makes me feel bad about myself. But of course Iím attracted to him, Iím attracted to him so much. He only has eyes for Drew however when she doesnít give one fuck about him. Its honestly so unfair. I really want someone who will care about me and go out of my way to do things for me but honestly thats just not going to happen. Iím going to stop getting my hopes up and expecting things to turn around for me because they just arenít. I seem to have bad luck. I let Pierre verbally abuse me. Honestly, he shits on me all the time and I just let him. I donít feel comfortable talking to anyone else. My friends tell me I can talk to them and that they are there for me but I donít want to tell anyone that I think Iím depressed. I opened up to Ella about the cutting thing and she really didnít do anything, or even bother to follow up. How am I supposed to count on someone like that. I can rely on Jack but I donít want to too much because he loves Paulina the most and I donít want to seem like Iím leaning on her boyfriend. Its hard when you feel like even the people you rely on have people that they will put before you. My favorite people donít go to school and I canít see them enough. I spend too much time with people who donít make me completely happy. When Iím sad it makes me want to eat, but eating just makes me sad. Its this endless cycle of turning to food to deal with the sadness and dealing with the insecurity over my weight at the same time. There is break from the relentless unhappiness. Iím drowning because Iím not happy with any aspects of my life. Iím unhappy with school, love, my friends, my family, and Iím scared of the future. I want to fight because I know that its way too soon to give up, but at the same time the future is so ominous. Iím depressed I think. I think this is what being depressed feels like. I donít know who to turn to. Pierre is the one who I would turn to but heís so mean to me. They ask me why I talk to him and maybe next time Iíll say because I can actually count on him.
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Bluetears Offline
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Name: Crystal
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Location: The corner of sadness and yet love

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Re: Life is a battle that can't be won - March 23rd 2015, 12:00 AM

Howdy Ella c:

I'm sorry you are going through all this. It does seem like you are depressed. It doesn't really help that you are still going through puberty and have all those crazy hormones trying to get straightened out Maybe you can try surrounding yourself with some new people, take a break from the friends you think are causing you to be this way. Maybe you can find someone looking a bit lonely, so then you can meet someone new and cheer someone up ^-^

You can also maybe make a comfort bag/box. What you do, is find a box or a bag big enough to put things in. Then, put any items that comfort/calm you inside. Maybe some chocolate, a favorite soft toy, coloring book, movie, favorite book, positive notes/cards, etc. Anything you'd like. Then, you can decorate the outside if you choose c: Do whatever you'd like with it. Then, whenever you need some comforting, everything you need is there ^-^

You can also make a calming jar you can use whenever you get ticked off or frustrated, which can be found here c:

Stay strong Ella!! Always remember that whatever life throws at you you are strong enough to get through it. Life is fair like that. It may not seem like it, especially right not, but it's true. Love you, feel free to PM me anytime if you need anything at all <3

"Remember your loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." - Linkin park, The messenger. Stay strong everyone!! You are always strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way, no matter how hard it may seem.
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anxiety, battle, depression, eating disorder, future, life, self esteem, self harm, won

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