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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Lilyofthewest Offline
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Unhappy I'm doing really badly and I don't know how to reach out. - April 26th 2015, 01:44 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Over the past few weeks I've been slipping further and further back into depression. There have been brief reprieves here and there of a few hours on a certain day but I'm in a predominantly bad place. At the moment I don't really have much of a reason to stay alive other than the fear my death will hurt others (I'll get to that in a moment). I simply don't enjoy being alive. I have no dreams or aspirations for I gave up on those a long time ago. I'm just going through the motions for the sake of it.

Enter my friends. My closest friends are wonderful people. They're aware that I'm often depressed though they don't know how bad exactly it is. I think they care, maybe. I just can't reach out to them at all. I feel really guilty for needing their help in the first place and then on top of that I find it very difficult to talk about my problems. I can't start a conversation about what I'm going through at all but it's unfair to keep it from them. They deserve to know that their friend is severely depressed and suicidal I guess. They've probably picked up on the fact that I've been more depressed than usual lately as they keep trying to get me to talk about what's bothering me but I keep hiding it. And I feel awful for it.

To be very honest it's hard for me to decide whether or not it'd be better for other people if I killed myself. I really, really want to die but I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't think I'll be missed. My friends have other friends, better people for friends than me. They can replace me and even better themselves by getting a new friend after I die. It's not like I'm irreplaceable and I know I don't mean that much to them anyway. I'm not anyone's favourite or first choice, I'm just another person. I'd be surprised if my friends even describe me as their friend. Still I just get worried they'll be upset if I commit suicide. People get attached to the wrong people. I'm a depressing, antisocial, boring person with nothing to offer to the world.

The main problem I have anyway is my sheer inability to reach out. I hate talking about my problems. I don't feel like I deserve that outlet. I don't deserve to have good friends who might care and I don't deserve to be alive in general. The world as a whole would be better off if I was gone. I wish my friends could see that, that I'm not worth worrying about and being friends with. It's not like I have any good qualities or bring anything to our friendships, other than my problems. They should let me die but they won't recognise it.

I really need to try to reach out to them but I'm not able. I think about suicide every single day and can't see a way out right now. Learning to speak out might be my last hope.
   
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Re: I'm doing really badly and I don't know how to reach out. - April 26th 2015, 04:02 PM

You deserve a outlet everyone deserves a outlet. Your friends really do care about you if they are trying to get you to speak about what's going on and how your feeling. I know it's hard to speak out about your feelings and that you may feel that you are unworthy of sharing your feelings but your worth it. If you need someone to talk to I'm here.
   
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Re: I'm doing really badly and I don't know how to reach out. - April 27th 2015, 10:47 AM

I'm very sorry you have found yourself in this state, but I am certain that no one would be "better off" if you ended your life.

You mentioned that your friends are great people and therefore, I'm sure they would be happy to help. I completely understand how opening up about your problems is often terribly difficult, but as the above poster said, you deserve an outlet and a route in which to seek support.

I hope you will find a way in which you are comfortable reaching out to those close to you. Best wishes.
   
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Re: I'm doing really badly and I don't know how to reach out. - April 29th 2015, 09:51 PM

I just wanted to start off by saying something i've said a couple times today in the forum. I know how you feel completely, I was depressed and suicidal for 8 years, only ending when I was 19. I'm 21 now. The first thing that hits me in what you say is you gave up on your goals. Why? You are 18! I was 19 when I set out to become a chess master, a few years later I'm at the expert level. Do not give up on your dreams and goals, that will only make depression much much worse, I know from experience.

Your friends, if they are real friends, would be happy to help you while you are down, there is no reason to keep hiding and avoiding the subject with them. If you want to talk to them about it, Go ahead! Everyone feels down from time to time, and everyone knows it. I'm sure they would have no problem helping you out.

I've also said this alot here today, but it never gets less true.. NO ONE will be better off without you! Trust me I know! I had a friend in highschool, she was 15, I was 17 and we got along great with a small group of friends. She killed herself because she felt worthless and depressed. No one was better off without her, we all had lost a part of our world with her, so never believe no one loves you, and that no one cares enough to have you around. You never know who you will hurt and who you will destroy when you go. And don't tear yourself down, calling yourself boring and depressing, you are who you make yourself! You can be anything you want to be, especially at the age you are at, the world is open to you, you just have to make your way through the woods to find your path.

You deserve good friends and you deserve an outlet. Everyone does. Why wouldn't you? If you ever want to talk about what's going on in your life, im free to talk anytime, there are many folks on here willing to be an outlet for you. You aren't alone, remember that!
   
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Rachel H Offline
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Re: I'm doing really badly and I don't know how to reach out. - April 30th 2015, 07:32 AM

I feel the same way do you know how to try to cope I'm somlost
   
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