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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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_Headphones_ Offline
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Suicidal but not suicidal - April 27th 2015, 12:08 PM

I am suicidal but in a way I'm not suicidal. Yes I want to end MY Life but I don't want to necessarily die. I just want everything to stop hurting so god damn bad. I haven't been taking my morning pills because I forget and my anti-psychotic is still in the bag from Thursday when we picked it up. I've been awake for 17 hours. I miss my grandma so much. I couldn't sleep so a ripped my skin apart. I just don't want live this life or be in this body. And please don't give me well you can change how you live your life crap. Because I have tried and failed so many times I just end up right back here. I also can't go take an anxiety pill cause I'm afraid I'll take more than one. Plus I'm home alone today and I hate being alone in this huge house just makes everything worse. So like I said I am suicidal but not REALLY suicidal. I just don't know what to do.


Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
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Re: Suicidal but not suicidal - April 28th 2015, 12:36 AM

I heard a saying once that I feel rings very true (I'm paraphrasing, but the point remains): Those who are suicidal don't want to die, they just wish for the pain to stop. I think this makes a lot of sense - if given the choice between death or living a decent life, who would actually choose the former?

You appear to have this desire to live as well, but it sounds as if you are confused in addition to being in a lot of pain. You spoke of suffering a great loss (your grandmother) that you continue to struggle with, which is understandable to anyone. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can offer much in the way of suggestions regarding the loss of a loved one. Time is generally the best remedy for this, as painful and difficult as that is.

You spoke of attempting to change how you live your life many times. Have you tried pinpointing a cause of your pain and taking related action (for example, if you are lonely, perhaps joining a league or club in your community would help in meeting new people, etc.)?

You also mentioned the medication you are on and forgetting to take it. Do you feel the meds help or could your forgetting perhaps be a sign (even subconsciously) that you believe they are not useful (or even a hindrance)?

In any event, I am sorry you are in this position and hurting so badly and I do hope you are able to find a way to improve things. Best wishes.
   
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_Headphones_ Offline
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Name: Frankie<3
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Re: Suicidal but not suicidal - April 28th 2015, 02:45 AM

My grandma is not dead she is jujst on vacation.

I really need help


Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
|Member 2007||Senior Community Mentor||Social Media Guru||Resource & Newsletter Editor||Writer||Chat Mod|
|Forum Mod: LGBT, Sexuality and gender identity, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Peer Pressure and Bullying, Disability, Good Days, Friends & Family|
|PM/VM|


   
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Re: Suicidal but not suicidal - April 28th 2015, 03:33 AM

Hey Frankie,
I don't know how much help I can offer but I'm going to try my best. From what I understand, you've been in such pain for such long term that you just can't take it anymore, and that's where the suicidal part comes in. So that's to say that if your life improved you'd be less suicidal. I know you said not to give advice about change, and so I won't but I have been in this limbo and I think very small steps is what gave me some hope. I'm not saying to change your life, at least not all at once because that would be way too dramatic and overwhelming and if it doesn't work, you'll feel the impact much heavier. But I think that making smaller steps each day can make a true difference. Take a day a time. Maybe call your grandma on the phone? Maybe listen to your favorite songs. Small manageable steps. Things that you can do and accomplish with no frustration or stress, and that you enjoy. That you can look back at and say, "I tried this and I enjoyed it. Maybe I can do this again sometime." Or "this was worth it"

Something I struggled a lot with when depressed and/or suicidal is being bored with everything and unable to enjoy. But in this case, it is important to keep trying activities anyway.
   
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Re: Suicidal but not suicidal - April 28th 2015, 04:06 AM

My apologies for the mistake, Frankie - I'm still pretty new around here and am not overly familiar with everyone's story.

It's a good sign that you are aware you need help. I can't think of anything else to add that hasn't been stated here already, but I hope you will realize that wanting help is a good step toward finding it. Try to figure out exactly what it is you need and go for it. Take care.
   
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