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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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i can't let him die - May 6th 2015, 02:11 AM

so my friend mentioned today that he's been seeing the school counselor a lot because he really wants to kill himself.
he said that his grandma, who he was really close with, died a couple months ago.
his mom is, in his words, a "drug-addicted whore." she has and probably still does abuse him a lot.
i think he probably has some type of mental disorder, i just don't know what. he doesn't seem depressed, but nobody ever really does, do they? i know for a fact that he has OCD and probably anxiety.

but... i don't know. something about hearing that just made me hate myself for not being there for him.
what hit me the most was that I'M going through these problems too. i've started cutting a lot these days, and i'm slipping back into the days where getting high solved my problems. i don't know if i'm depressed or not, but something's wrong with me.
i have so much anger and hurt piled up inside that i don't know what the hell to do with myself anymore.
i know that i have anger issues and some type of social anxiety. i think i might be bipolar too, but i haven't been diagnosed with it, so i can't know for sure.
i might not want to commit suicide NOW, but i've been there before. i've been through YEARS of hell, and it just makes me so mad that i can't really do anything to help him.

i would help him in a heartbeat if i could. but the thing is... i had a crush on this guy a couple weeks ago. we actually "dated" for three days, but it turns out he was just pity-dating me because he didn't want to hurt me. we broke up last friday.
today was our first day talking again. we talked a little bit... we said hi, and kind of talked at each other more than to each other, but at least we were making progress.

but today in class, i heard him ask his friend if she thought i still liked him. his friend said she didn't know, but that she saw me look over at him.
dude, i was looking at him because i'm freaking worried about him!

i love the guy so much.
he's the most awesome person at school, and school would be boring as hell without him.
he's always acted so tough and mean in the past, but now i see how shy and sensitive he really is. and it hurts, because that's exactly what i do.

i put on this fake mask of being an asshole to people and not caring about the world, just so that people don't know how much i'm really hurting inside.

i want to help him so badly.
i need to let him know that i care and that there's someone who has been through it all.
i feel like he could help me too, and maybe we could get through this together.
he'd be the first person to know about my cuts.

but with the whole awkward relationship thing, i'm terrified to talk to him about something this deep.
especially since he thinks that i still like him. i'm just so scared that he'll turn on me and hate me if he gets the idea that i still like him.
it has happened before, where the guy i liked hated me for liking him.

i just can't lose my friend.
not over something like this. the situation would be so perfect if i didn't have to go and get all girly with my feelings for him.

why the hell did i have to ruin things??


is there any way i can still talk to him? should i talk to him??
how could i even bring this up without getting too awkwardly personal...?

what do i do? i can't lose my friend.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: i can't let him die - May 6th 2015, 04:24 AM

OK, so a couple of points you make there. Let me get to the fundamentally important fact of this case. That fact is that you care about him. That's the main thing. You must have felt this too, in the heat of the moment, in his bedroom on a rainy Saturday night, he doesn't know that you care about him, but heavens, you do. How much of an impact would that have when he is contemplating suicide or self-harm or whatever? It fair dinkum, means everything.

I recommend you communicate how you feel, and that you care about him. Literally, invite him over to your house or take him out to lunch, and over a couple of beers, just have a chat to him about how you feel. Nice and casual, and ask him if he wants to talk about how he has been feeling recently. You know, "I'm not a counsellor, I'm not your mother, but I am worried about you". Although it might sound that way, that's not necessarily a statement that affects a romantic connotation.

It does, however, make it very clear, that if he decides to take his own life, there will be a beautiful young chick at the funeral singing his favourite song, and mourning him. He will know that if something happens to him, there will be at least one girl who cares, and a part of at least someone will be lost. It's the main question suicidal people ask, "will anyone care". Well, YES.

HOWEVER, you will have to take into consideration the possibility that even once he knows how you feel, he might not want to talk about the issues, and that's something totally natural. Has your mate been attending counselling sessions? Recommend that to him, and if he is, take solace in the fact that there are years upon years of experience, and great professionals taking care of him .

I normally tend to say this to people and it is probably necessary to say it again, make sure you put yourself first. If helping him and hearing his story triggers you in any way, then there is nothing wrong with pulling back a bit. I mean if you think that directly helping him becomes too much of a weight to bear for you, then you can certainly support him, but in doing so, remember to take care of yourself. It's a hard thing to do, but it's a totally correct thing to do, to tell him not to share certain details with you. You have no obligation to help him. It's great to do so, but you have to come first in this.

It's a weird feeling seeing such a different side to someone, but what it does mean is he trusts you enough to be honest with you, and that's always a good thing. In conclusion, I recommend telling him how you feel, asking him whether he wants to talk, but accept and act on the realities that it might become too much for you or he might not want to talk about it.

.


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Last edited by RadioSerenade; May 7th 2015 at 12:19 AM.
   
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Re: i can't let him die - May 7th 2015, 12:12 AM

The above commenter offered some wonderful advice that I strongly recommend you consider. I'm not sure I have much else to offer, but I agree that it is very important for a suicidal person to realize that someone cares deeply for them. As SS said, this is possible without seeming romantic about it - simply let him know that he has a friend who cares.

I don't feel there is anything wrong with being truthful (i.e., telling him that your concern isn't due to romantic feelings for him, just that you are concerned in general for his well-being) provided that it is done in a sensitive manner. Perhaps ask him to open up about the loss of his grandmother (if he is comfortable doing so) and tell him what you said here: that he is the most awesome guy in school and it wouldn't be the same without him.

I hope things go well and I wish both of you the best.
   
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Re: i can't let him die - May 8th 2015, 04:03 AM

thank you for the advice!

i would love to talk to him one-on-one, but unfortunately we don't get much time to do that. we were close friends before, but we never met outside of school even when we were good friends, so i could never do that now.

luckily i sit next to him 1st and 3rd period, so i suppose i could bring things up around then?
it's just hard to work it into a conversation. and i'm ESPECIALLY nervous, and wondering if i should even do it, just because i'm so scared of losing his friendship already... with the whole "awkward relationship exes" thing... are you sure it's a good idea to talk to him this soon?
i really don't want to complicate things any more.
but i can't just let him go on hating himself, when i know he's loved so much.

i know he has been talking to the school's vice principal a lot, and she's been helping him through some stuff. i don't think she's a professional counselor, but apparently they get along well, so that's a good thing for him.

it's just so hard.
i want to be there for him and i'll never forgive myself if i just sit back and DON'T help him... i have this thing where i want to fix people. but it's kind of hard to do, when i'm the one who needs fixing as well.
but i'm so terrified of losing him, because he thinks i still "like him" or whatever and doesn't want to be around me. i've lost so many people in the past because i let my stupid feelings get in the way, and i just can't lose him too. i'll never let myself get over it if i lose him because of my stupid mistakes.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
   
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Re: i can't let him die - May 8th 2015, 04:12 AM

UPDATE::
so we've kind of been avoiding each other. there was a fight between him and some people in my group on Wednesday. something where he dared this innocent, awkward kid to slap my ass. (this kid...let's call him Ken... is really desperate for friends, so he'll do literally anything that anyone tells him to. i'm friends with Ken, and i know that he's liked me for awhile, but i would never date him. but i keep him around because his friends are jerks to him, and he deserves someone who cares.)
Ken tried to do the dare, but he's so awkward that he tried from the front, so he ended up more hugging me??
anyway, so Ken told me how the guy -- let's call the guy Eli -- dared him to do it, and i kind of lost it and screamed, "sO YOU FUCKING DID IT??!?" and i almost punched Ken (might i mention that i'm extremely violent these days.) so Eli and his friends got all quiet and stopped messing around.

but then freaking Ken started crying, because Eli called him a bitch for telling me that he dared him to it. and then Eli came over to my table and started blaming it on US for "making Ken cry".
one of the louder girls from my group comforted Ken, took him to the office, and then screamed at Eli for bullying him. Ken said that it was Eli who made him cry, but we all said sorry just to make sure, because i can be a pretty big asshole to Ken sometimes.
there was some big thing, where the girly girls (pretty sure one of them has a crush on Eli) came up, called my friend a bitch to sound cool, and said, "i don't wanna hear a woman talk to you like dis!!1!" like what the fuck??

the only thing i had to do with that situation was that Eli said he was just trying to help Ken, because "Ken is in love with me."
so i feel bad for being the reason they started this. but i don't exactly feel like i could help it being my fault, you know?


anyway, i guess my feelings of anger and sadness have been showing, because one of my teachers always notices how i act. he's kind of become my counselor now, which is something i really needed, since i can't talk to my friends or my parents.
funny thing is, he helps out Eli too. i was thinking of asking if he could talk to Eli about me, and see if he still wants to be friends, but i think it would be a bit wrong to make a teacher my messenger.
but in 3rd period (oh yeah, i don't sit next to Eli in 1st or 3rd period anymore. i moved seats in 1st... i sit in the row in front of him, so still near him, but still... and he moved seats in 3rd.) my friends said Eli kept looking at me.

i want to think that he's worried about me too. but i'm afraid that he probably thinks it's HIS fault that i'm acting like this... he might think that i'm heartbroken or something.
and i'm really not. i knew from the start our relationship wouldn't work out.
i'm just really sad because losing friends is a really sensitive spot for me. i've hardly had any friends throughout my life, and i had an EXTREMELY lonely childhood. and worst of all is that, the people i find that i care most about are the first people to leave my life. i've lost so many wonderful people because of MY stupid actions.
i can't let Eli become another lost mistake.


so here's my plan. tomorrow morning, in 1st period, i'm just going to turn around and straight up ask him.
how does this sound?
"hey Eli. so.. are you mad at me?" just to get the conversation started. after he answers, i'll just ask
"are we still friends??"

is that good? i just want to rip this bandage off and get it over with. either he wants to be friends or not, right?
should i try and explain that he's not the reason i'm acting so depressed? i heard him talking to one of his friends about people cutting and committing suicide, so i think he might've seen my cuts.
should i mention that i'm worried about him??


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: i can't let him die - May 8th 2015, 04:21 AM

Absolutely. I remember when I was in senior school, it was around the peak of me learning how to help people with mental illness. I just found it gut-wrenching that I know someone at the school is probably finding it difficult to live, probably facing the most complicated of issues and here I am, living my life. It got to the point where I felt guilty celebrating life, knowing that life has been so cruel to some.

Then I realised, if they haven't broken down yet, it means someone is helping them. If they are still alive, then they probably have someone to help them and there is only so much you can do. You are not Superman.

Hang on, are you?
Are you Lois Lane?
Are you and Superman still together?
I'm asking for a friend. .

LOL kidding, but I mean unless you have a direct line to Superman or you can negotiate a trade in powers then, again, there's not much you can do. It's a commendable position to want to help someone, but sometimes, it's a position that can really hurt. . As far as HOW to understand that you can't help everyone that you know has a mental illness or a life suckiness, I honestly have no idea.

I actually can't remember how I got out of that mindset .

UPDATE: It's a tough one to coordinate, because you need to do it somewhere private, making sure that he doesn't feel any pressure. Come up to him and ask "mate, can I have a chat to you outside", and take him out to the courtyard or something, and tell him something like this. "The reason I wanted to talk to you is because I want to make sure everything is OK with you. I also wanted to remind you that if you have anything that you want to get off your chest, then don't hesitate coming to me, just as someone to talk to." Look him in the eye, be direct and be honest. Also, be discrete. If it means stepping out of the class, then honestly, who cares. Make sure he feels comfortable. As I said before I saw this update, other than making sure he knows how you feel, there's fair dinkum nothing much else you can do, especially in such a scenario.


02425950695064738395657479136519351798334535362521 43003540126026771622672160419810652263169355188780 38814483140652526168785095552646051071172000997092 91249544378887496062882911725063001303622934916080 25459461494578871427832350829242102091825896753560 43086993801689249889268099510169055919951195027887 17830837018340236474548882222161573228010132974509 27344594504343300901096928025352751833289884461508 94042482650181938515625357963996189939679054966380 03222348723967018485186439059104575627262464195387

Last edited by RadioSerenade; May 8th 2015 at 10:37 PM.
   
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Re: i can't let him die - May 8th 2015, 06:27 PM

I absolutely agree that mentioning your concern for him is a good idea, as is telling him he is not the reason for your depression - I think it would be nice for him to know that. You have stated your worry that he will mistake your concern as a sign of romantic affection, so I think it's good to try and make it clear that this is a separate issue entirely.

With that said, I think your plan is a good one - being straightforward often is a great way to cut through the crap, so to speak. And I feel you are the best judge of how to handle this situation in regard to specifics seeing as you know him personally. Best of luck
   
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Re: i can't let him die - May 10th 2015, 06:11 AM

well, i blew my chances of talking to him on friday, so i'll have to wait until tuesday to even attempt to make conversation.

this is honestly tearing me up a lot. all the uncertainties and worries. on friday, in our last period, we had to give short presentations. we did table rotations, so we had to present our projects about five times, to five different groups.
well lucky me, both he and my LAST ex-crush were in the same group. so when they got to my presentation, they were both laughing and murmuring to each other. then, when i started presenting, they both just put their heads down on the table and didn't look up until it was time to rotate.
when the teacher finally said, "rotate!" i've never seen them get up and move faster before.

it just hurts, you know? those two guys.. i made almost the EXACT same mistake with those two.
i was good friends with the first guy, until i began to have feelings for him. he then started to think he was too good/cool for me, and has ignored me ever since. we now hate each other.
i was great friends with this guy, until i began to show my feelings for him. the only difference was, he said he didn't want to hurt me because i was such a good friend, so he pity dated me. but now we haven't spoken and we're avoiding each other.
we're beginning to hate each other.

i just can't forgive myself if i ruin things with this guy. but every time i even THINK about talking to him, i get extremely stressed out. i always screw it up so how.

i'm glad my plan sounds good to you. but on friday, i was having trouble thinking of an excuse to start talking to him (because it's strange to just jump into a conversation about that..)
so this tuesday, i'm thinking of asking if he did the spanish homework (which no one ever does, so it'll be relevant that i need the answers from him.) and once he replies with what will probably be a mumbled, one-word answer, i'll then ask if he's mad at me and ask if he's okay.

wow.

lmao i hate myself so much it's hilarious.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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Re: i can't let him die - May 10th 2015, 07:55 PM

I'm sorry things didn't go well on Friday, but try not to give up. I think it's nice that you are determined to speak with him and the idea about the Spanish homework is a good one.

Try to trust your instincts and not get too down on yourself. Best of luck and I hope it goes well
   
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