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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
xyzman Offline
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Exclamation i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 9th 2015, 06:34 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

my mind is set i know what i am going to do it this is not the end yet but it is coming i can no longer handle the pain and lies its to grate for me to handle call me week call me a quitter i don't care it just means that you are stronger than me or you have never been to a place this dark and painful which at that point i envy you up to know i know i had my problems and i know i was not ok but i see now that i am and was worse than i thought and i know i should not say that it would be better if i was gone but for the things i have dune and the people i have hurt and who i now know i am it may be true and how can i be happy knowing what gooses through my mind now being fueled by all the anger from the lies and the hatred for myself theres no escaping what i have done or who i am all im hoping for now is that what i think happens to people when that cross that line is true that its just all over because at this point i have n hope left whatever is left i am putting in to there being nothing afterwords that every thing goose black but at the same time im worried i may be wrong and i might become a trapped sole on this planet or that i wont escape this pain and i know some of you might say i wont ill go to some place afterwords or whatever but how can any one truly know without going there yourself and i know going that far will hurt people close to me but i also know they will be ok as well tay are not surrounded with painful memories and lies the way i am. sitting here tipping this i questioning posting this its nothing more than me expressing myself like many other do but at the same time its true and worry some may take this as a not of sorts its note it is not a "note" so pleas don't take it that way im posting it here one to tell people and two because even tho i said i have no more hope im looking for some here that something might change but i fear it wont but im going to try and hang on as long as i can but theres only so long i can hold on

i know its not really something fun to talk about but i would like to tell some one my plan i dont know why i do but i do i feel as tho it might take some weight off my shoulders i guess

this is it for now but there may be updates so if you are interested feel free to keep in touch

Last edited by xyzman; May 10th 2015 at 04:07 PM.
   
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
xyzman Offline
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 10th 2015, 04:48 AM

I JUST WANT TO STOP HURTING!
I JUST WANT TO STOP CRYING!
I CAN'T FIND AN ANSWER!
I CAN ONLY THINK OF TWO WAYS TO GO ABOUT THIS!
AND I DONT LIKE ETHER WAY!

I JUST WANT TO DIE!!!
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 10th 2015, 05:39 AM

Hey hey hey. take a deep breathe try to relax. If you think your going to do something you need to call the national suicide hotline,911, or go to the nearest ER. I know this is scary but you really do need to get help even if people will get mad at you for calling you do need help and you deserve to live. it gets better I promise just hang in there and stay strong. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm/vm me I'll be here for you. I listen and will never judge you no matter what!!!! Hope this helps.
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 10th 2015, 06:07 AM

like i said im holding on (for now) and i have been thinking of going to a pro and calling if i get to that point but it doesn't feel worth it if you know i have lost every thing and im so lost that it feels like i have no options and i cant enjoy any thing like my favorite foods, songs, etc. and i mean there are other things im having problems with not suitable for here and its not just mental pain it also if physical my chest constantly hurts it sort of makes me hope that my hart will just give in

Last edited by xyzman; May 10th 2015 at 07:11 AM.
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 10th 2015, 04:02 PM

I cant keep waking up this way spending the hole night dreaming just to wake up ina panick and hart ake tust to find im still living this hell and make every thing worse im so tierd of it and not geting q good nights sleep

I cant keep living like this its killing me litteraly

Ps. I have lost 20 pounds in the past 3 weeks because i can't eat

Last edited by xyzman; May 10th 2015 at 05:41 PM.
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 11th 2015, 01:20 AM

This place was supposed to be a secret for me where i can be me and vent and all not going to go in to details but its not as so any more and it really upsets me im so tierd of tbis crap im going through i never asked for any of this i have enough problems as it is i just want to be left alone and do things my way but no things had to get mesed up and now i have to do things another way and i dont like it people need to just bud out

Last edited by xyzman; May 11th 2015 at 02:43 AM.
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 11th 2015, 03:56 AM

im so angry and so hurt not a minuet goose by i don't feel this pain not a second without thees thots plaguing my mind it feels like i'm being tormented by people or things that aren't there mocking me making fun of me as i try to hold one one more day its almost as if i can here them in the back of my mind telling me to give up that i'm nothing but a monster and ill never be happy and who i want to be and some times it feels as if they are squeezing and ripping at my hart trying to pull me down further and further how can you fight something you cant see how can you beat it if you cant touch it i want to run but i i fear i can not run fast enough i want to hide but i know it will find me i would fight if i know i had a chance but i don't so i lay in wait for what is suer to come not scared not happy just me alone feeling nothing but the tear on my face as i wait for the day this creature if you will take me away for better or for worse as my cries go unheard as my please fall on deff ears my tears fall to my hands which my hart lays shattered and bloody people all around but cant tell a sole fear engulfs my mind of what they will think what they will say of what lies beneath my skin what i try to hide from the world from myself hidden in a cage like a wiled animal is rowers and snarls and will dig its claws in to those that get to close it grows as i weaken from the things around me beat me down and give it strength i fear the outcome of this loosing battle as it can only have one victor but what if there was none? we are two in one body take out what is being fought for and no one can win but then there is no more no more happy no more sad what is to become of me keep fighting a loosing battle to try and clam my right? fall to the creature inside? or make it that there is no winer just lifeless and cold wasteland scared from the battles that have raged endlessly for years there is no certainty of what is to come for any of it but it seems the odds are not in my favor as i grow weaker fighting an enemy to grate to powerful and without my source of strength i am nothing this armor protects me from cuts and my sword can slay my enemy but without a cause without purpose i have no strength no will no spirit so i fall get beaten not able to stand any more i lay as my enemy walks over me like i am nothing but dirt they consume me try to turn me against myself i beg and beg but nothing no sine of mercy how much longer can i hold out how much longer can i bare before i give to the suffering eating away at my humanity slowly corrupting me the only thing i can thing of is taking my sword to myself to slay one last enemy... myself ones only true worst enemy

sorry i sort of seemed to turned this in to a vent spot i want to be heard but not by the people closest to me in fear they may take things a little far if you know what i mean but again i am hurting and this is how i am feeling so if you have read this i don't ask for much just a simple post with hi or something means a lot you don't have to give a long paragraph so pleas if you read it pleas leave a comment thank you
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 11th 2015, 05:57 PM

My mind sting and focused but not on what I want puzels and game befor me trying to find the solution trying to satyr busy but the memory trapped in my head hunting me always there never out of sight creeping in and out of the shadows taunting me no mater where I go no mater how much light I can fined it is there hiding in a shadow my shadow waiting to strike but not to kill to wound slowly drain me of life with its sick and evil schemas no where to run no where to hide so I run from the light to keep my shadow in sight hoping to see it strike but its to fast to swift it strikes at the blink of the eye never see it coming over and over there no end I wait hopelessly for the final blow praying it comes soon for a chance of peace but fear it will never come little by little it chips away at me scream by scream it laughs at my pain amused by my suffering with no end in sight I cry for what gave me strength but nothing not a word not a sound gone in the void taking my hart and sole with it I am nothing but a burden a corps rotting away
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 12th 2015, 06:09 AM

i search for comfort on this endless rode i find nothing but pain i try to let go of the past but the more i try the more it it fights back i just want to lay but nothing but jagged rocks i seek shelter from the raging storm but no where to run i try to find a melody to drowned out the screams but all i find is more screams wishing i didn't take this rode wish i could turn back but like time i can only move one way i try to billed another as i go with no success hoping my path finds a way i continue forward aimlessly awaiting the end
   
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Re: i dont know what to title this but suicidal at my limit - May 12th 2015, 05:44 PM

How do you go on knowing when so many years of your life hav been nothing but lies so meny lies lues lies lies am i still living in theas lies do they still suround me how can i know whats true any more i cant live in theas lies i cant live thinking every thing is a lie thears only one thing thats sertont and thats dethe the only truth i know the only thing i trus
   
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