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MamaBear Offline
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Seven months of hell rant - May 10th 2015, 09:36 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this now. Maybe it has to do with the fact that mothers day is today? I don't know....honestly I don't expect anyone to reply to this or even read it, I think I just need to rant a little bit.
The past seven-eight months have been hell.

Back in September of last year something completely unexpected and utterly amazing happened, I got pregnant. I didn't really for sure know as I wasn't late yet so I couldn't take a test but I knew I was. I felt it. Not to mention I had all the classic signs of pregnancy. TJ and I were so excited. He was even rubbing my belly all the time. And then one day I went to go to the bathroom and there was blood. Not a lot at first but slowly it started to get heavier and heavier, darker and darker. At first I thought it was just a really bad period. The pain was.....other worldly. But then I went to change my tampon, and what looked to be a giant clot came with. Only I found out that it wasn't a clot.....It was my baby. My little Avery, no bigger than the palm of your hand. I was devastated. A month before hand my sister in law had announced her pregnancy, and I want to say not even a couple weeks after my losing Avery did my sister announce her pregnancy. I was happy for both of them but seeing it.....it's one of the hardest things I have gone through. It kills me to know that I would be delivering my baby so soon.

A few weeks after that my cousin was murdered. I wasn't very close to him personally but everyone else in my family was completely destroyed over it and seeing my mom like that really took a toll on me.

Awhile after that in October I got news that my Grandfather had passed away. He had gotten ammonia while visiting the states and the antibiotics had simply stopped working on him one night. I haven't spoken to him in years due to family issues but....he really was my whole childhood. He was a father to me when my own father hated me and thought me a nuisance. The worst part was that I couldn't attend the funeral as it was in Europe and I didn't have the ability to scrape together enough money for a plan ticket in two weeks.

During this time I also lost several pets including my cat Alex, my hamster Ester, and my rabbit Octavius. And I had to give away my bird Connor.

Around December the depression finally got to me and I ended up in the ER for what turned out to be the muscles around my rib cage tightening due to extreme stress and panic attacks. This is when I confessed to my mother about my miscarriage as before I didn't want anyone to know. Telling the story made it....real. And I didn't want to face the fact that I lost my baby.

In January TJ and I began trying to get pregnant which helped lift me out of my fog of depression to a point but in April my sister in law gave birth to her baby girl and it ripped me up all over again. Reminding me of what I lost.
Around three weeks ago my sister had her baby again reminding me and not a few days before I got the news that my Grandmother is terribly ill and losing every bit of sanity she has. They expect her to pass any day now. That same call also informed me that my father (though I have no contact with him as he's.....a very bad person) is in the hospital due to cysts that continue to fill up in or around (I can't exactly remember) his large intestine. They doctors keep letting the fluid out but if they reach a certain size or explode then there is a good chance he will die before they can help him. I know I shouldn't be upset over either of these two people passing as they are both terrible, terrible people who have done....unspeakable acts, but....at the end of the day she's still my grandmother and he's still my father.

Honestly the only thing that gives me hope any more is the thought of being pregnant and I still haven't gotten pregnant. I'm starting to wonder if something's wrong with me. I'm starting to lose hope.

With it being mother's day I just....I want my Avery back. With all this death around me I'm in this horrible depression and I don't know how to handle it.
I don't expect anyone to reply to this. Like I said I think I just needed to rant....
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Re: Seven months of hell rant - May 10th 2015, 11:52 AM

Hey there,
Words cannot explain how deeply sorry I am for all your losses in such a short amount of time. It takes time to heal, and each person takes a different amount in different ways
Just know you're not alone with this.

I shortened my reply as to give you the space to rant and just be listened to. But I wanted to let you know that I was listening to what you wrote. I wish you all the best
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Re: Seven months of hell rant - May 10th 2015, 01:41 PM

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Hopefully you will be able to get pregnant again one day. Miscarriages are hard but you will get through it.
If you ever want to talk I am here for you Pm/VM me anytime
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Re: Seven months of hell rant - May 10th 2015, 07:17 PM

I'm sorry for all you have endured in such a short amount of time. It's understandable that you are feeling devastated. Sometimes writing out our situations and emotions can be of help in expressing ourselves and sorting through our feelings and I hope doing so has made you feel a little better.

Again, my deepest condolences and I wish you the best. Take good care.
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Re: Seven months of hell rant - May 11th 2015, 04:28 PM

Thank you all for your replies. They really do mean a lot. My boyfriend is going to try today on working to get me a therapist. Hopefully that will work out because I don't think I can take my depression over this anymore. I think I need some help. I'm absolutely terrified of going to see a therapist simply because I have issues trusting people and I'm afraid I won't be able to open up to them but I'm going to try my best. Anyways I just wanted to update you all on that. Thank you again for your replies.

Last edited by MamaBear; May 11th 2015 at 04:33 PM. Reason: Spelling, hopefully was changed by my phone to howl fully.
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Re: Seven months of hell rant - May 13th 2015, 07:11 AM

I can't imagine all of the pain you've been through. You're really strong to have made it this far.

You've already been brave enough to share your story with people on the internet, not knowing who will reply. So I think that you will also be able to be brave when talking to a counselor. I think that going to a professional is a really good idea.

The way you wrote about it, it sounded like you haven't been to a counselor before. If that's the case, I should probably mention that sometimes people don't find a match on their first try. I've been to counseling myself and I had to go through a couple of counselors before I found one that worked for me. So even if your first counseling session goes badly, don't worry about it. There are other fish in the sea. What's important is that you find someone who you feel gives you emotional support as well as useful advice.
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