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madeofamethyst Offline
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I want to die. - May 26th 2015, 08:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Its been months since Ive logged into this site but I really dont know what to do anymore.
In this moment Im feeling more suicidal than Ive felt in years. I spent a decent portion of my afternoon searching the internet for what certain medications would do to me if I overdosed, what the lethal doses were, etc etc. Ive never come this close before. Ive managed to keep myself from taking anything but I really dont think I can take this much longer.
The only person who ever mattered to me, my best fucking friend Ive ever had has gotten tired of me and she was literally the only thing I had that was keeping me going. She doesnt seem to care about what had been our plans to move in together and work on our music together in the future and she seems so sick of me and its all my fault because I was so negative all the time. Ive got a million other reasons why I want to die but that is the one really pushing me over the edge. And I feel like its such a stupid reason, but all my life Id been terrified of abandonment and now the most important person in my life doesnt seem to even want me around anymore.
I do online therapy but its not working (this is about my 7th different therapist). My psychiatrist is god awful but we can't get anyone else due to money and travel. I don't know what to do anymore, I really, really don't.
The thought of school tomorrow is freaking me out with all that I have on my head but I've almost missed too many days of school so I won't be able to stay home.
I don't know what to do anymore.
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L4Y Offline
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Re: I want to die. - May 26th 2015, 11:59 PM

I'm sorry to hear that things between you and your best friend have hit a rough time. While being around a friend who is struggling with depression can be difficult, it sounds as if she perhaps does not completely understand everything you are dealing with. I think you should consider having a talk with her to explain why you may seem negative much of the time and, in your own words, perhaps ask her for her help by letting her know how important she is to you and that her support means a great deal. Best wishes.
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