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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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What the hell? - June 3rd 2015, 03:29 AM

This isn't really anything to do with suicidal thoughts or depression, but it is affecting me in a weird way and I figured this post would go in this forum. Also, this might get long and rambly so I apologize in advance.

I have a cousin who is 28. He is anti social, refuses to talk to anybody in the family but somehow he talks to my mom and me. Turns out he was bullied when he was 15 and its affected him a lot. I understand him because I have been bullied to, but there are some things about him that put me off. At 28 he does not work. He sits at home, watches tv, plays video games and basically wastes time. He doesn't go out, doesn't meet people and spends his parents money on movies, clothes and unnecessary things. His father who retired from a really well paying job and has a really good pension, opened up a shop just to be able to pay for his expenses. His mother works as well. When I asked him why he doesn't look for a job, he brings up the being bullied topic. His parents have been to the best psychologists/ psychiatrists in the country, but this guy refuses to go to therapy. It's like he is using what happened 13 years ago as an excuse to get away from responsibility. I know of so many people who have been bullied/abused and their main aim is to put the past behind and move on. This guys main aim seems to be to do nothing.

I wouldn't have minded this as much if he wasn't the most judgmental person in the whole world. He judges every single person he comes across, is cynical about everything people to do right down to the fact that he calls his so supportive parents 'fake'. Now, everyone in my family knows parts of what I have gone through-the stalking, emotional abuse, part of the sexual abuse and the bullying. My cousins, including this guy know about my abusive ex boyfriend- atleast they know about the physical abuse if not all the details. This guy said I am faking everything, because someone who has gone through so much in life shouldn't be so social. He says since I have been bullied as a kid, I shouldn't be teaching kids. He says I shouldn't be having so many friends. He says my problems are fake and I made it up for attention. He says that it is impossible to get over all this without therapy, but well I would have gone for therapy if I could. And who says I am over everything? I just don't believe in showing my troubles to the world. And if therapy helps, why does he refuse to see someone? I have just put everything in a subtle way, but the conversations were full of swear words from his side.

If I were doing it for attention, I would have been telling everyone in real life about all this myself. I never told anybody about anything. Word got around when the police got involved in the stalking incident and one of the abuse incidents. Everyone in my family knows about the bullying because it was by family members. But ever since he has said this, I have been hurting. I usually ignore judgmental people. But this time it is really affecting me and its taken everything in me not react violently to what he said. If he is actually affected by what happened, he'd know better than to be so judgmental. I am usually very supportive, but when is comes to this guy I can feel my mind rebelling.

I am not sure if there is anything much for you guys to say about this, but if anyone has any assurance/ advice, I'd be glad.


"Being happy isn't about having everything in your life perfect. Maybe it is about stringing together all the little things."

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Re: What the hell? - June 3rd 2015, 04:52 AM

Hi, Kav!

I'm really sorry about what your cousin has said to you. There is still that possibility that he's still suffering from the effects of being bullied. Some people are affected differently from many things that happens in their life as we're all unique and different even if in small ways. He may have found some sort of comfort zone in staying alone and playing video games and such. Many jobs require social interaction with others of course, and maybe that scares him. Along with being in competition with co-workers depending on what job it is.

Regardless of his reasoning, what he is saying to you isn't okay because it's disrespectful to you. You've been through a lot as well, and he shouldn't be accusing you of making things up about what you've been through along with the issues you've faced. I know you and I know you're a really sweet person who has supported many people. You also give great advice, so I know that you care for your cousin on a level, but I understand your frustration with him given the way he's treating you. I would have anger towards him as well, it doesn't make you a bad person to be upset about this.

Have you told him how it makes you feel when he says things like that to you? He needs to understand that it's not okay. From what you've posted, it does sound as he needs therapy. He obviously still deals with his own issues and it seems as he's handling them the wrong way by turning it around and judging others. While I find it upsetting with the things he's said to you, in a way I do feel for him as well as you too, he probably feels as he has no other way to turn which makes him judge others when he really has his own issues that he isn't sure how to deal with.

I sincerely hope that he decides to seek help and support and also opens up to those around him. And in the meantime, I also hope that he begins treating you better. You deserve to be treated with respect because you're a really sweet person who's been through your own share of troubles. Honestly, I think it's great that you have friends, that you're able to be social and such. None of that means that what you've been through is made up. Many people deal with things that happen in their life differently, both with and without therapy. It doesn't make anything less real and it doesn't mean that you simply made it up for attention.

I realize that the things he's saying to you is really hurtful, so in the meantime, I recommend letting him know that what he's said to you was upsetting. But overall, just know that you don't have to make yourself clear to everyone. You can tell those in your life the truth and tell them what you wish about what you've gone through and I truly hope those closest to you believe you and support you as much as possible. As for people in your life like him that says such things, try your best to remember that what he says doesn't mean anything. Because you know what you've been through, and you have a voice, you're allowed to speak out about what you wish. Anyone that tells you you're making things up simply because you're still shining despite your struggle are the ones missing out on the opportunity to see an inspiration.

You know you can message me if you feel like talking about this, or if you just need to rant. I hope you're okay, Kav. Stay strong.
   
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Re: What the hell? - June 3rd 2015, 05:25 AM

Hey Ellie,

Thank you so much for the reply. It actually helped calm me down. I might go talk to him now, because until now I was scared I would be rude or hurtful to him. I know he has been through a lot too and I was actually the only one he opened up too, apart from his parents. But sometimes he doesn't think what he says is wrong. He lives in this world of his own and my mother reckons its because he hasn't had too much contact with society, he doesn't really know what to say and what not to. But sometimes you do expect people to put in some effort to behave right, right? I also get annoyed at the fact that he uses it as a reason to get away from doing stuff. We suggested he look for a job online or a job where he could work from home, but he refuses to do even that. Since he spends so much time online, he could actually look for a job online. He even rejected an online job that he got offered by one of our relatives. Plus its really sad that he can go shopping, to buy clothes and video game stuff, but when his mother asks him to go buy groceries for her, he says he gets scared and seriously the place he buys clothes and his mother buys groceries is in the same building. I am not trying to belittle what he went through. I just want him to do something to get out of it. He needs therapy, but he won't accept to go to one. And the more he sits at home, the more depressed he gets and it looks like his depression is making him negative and cynical.

Thank you for your reply. I might be going to meet him sometime this month and I will try to convince him to go for therapy.


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Re: What the hell? - June 3rd 2015, 09:25 AM

You're welcome, I'm really glad to hear that it helped you calm down a bit.

What you just said shows you're a really caring person. Even though he's said hurtful things and you've felt pretty upset about it, you still didn't want to be rude to him. I do agree with you though, it's normal to expect someone to put in basic effort. That's not asking too much. I realize you're not trying to belittle what he's gone through so don't worry! I'm glad that you're talking about this because it's good to be able to get thoughts and feelings out like this, you know?

He turned down an online job offer a relative recommended? Did he ever say why he turned it down? It sounds like it would be a great opportunity for him to work from home. Things he does like being willing to go shopping for things but not for groceries when asked by his mother, that doesn't sound right and I can understand why you'd feel annoyed.

Sometimes people who are depressed can start to find a comfort in sadness/negativity and anything other than that feels scary, I'm sure that can be related to. Perhaps he's also feeling this way? And that's why it's so difficult for him to accept help that would get him out of the rut he's currently in? Support and help from people in his life could be really beneficial, but the thing is, he has to be willing to help himself and let himself be helped first.

You're really caring, and I hope your efforts to convince him to seek therapy are successful. If you don't mind, keep me updated! But just remember that in the meantime, don't forget to take care of yourself, okay? I really admire the fact that you're trying to help him regardless of the things he's said to you, but if it gets in the way of your emotional health, and/or he continues being hurtful towards you then it's okay to take a step back. You matter and you also deserve to be treated respectfully, don't forget that!
   
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