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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Lilyofthewest Offline
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Name: Lily
Age: 23
Gender: Trans (MtF)
Location: Ireland

Posts: 112
Join Date: April 6th 2015

Suicidal again. - June 11th 2015, 08:43 PM

Oh I don't even know where to start. Basically my mood has crashed again and now I'm lower than I've been in a long time and I don't know what to do. I'm completely and utterly hopeless. Every single day is more unbearable than the last and I just can't see it possibly getting better anymore.

I guess my biggest problem is that I simply cannot forgive myself for my past. Even if my life has started to improve, even if I sort of have friends now and I'm not the antisocial loser I used to be, it doesn't take away all the mistakes I made before and how pathetic it is that my life only started when I was eighteen. I hate myself for that. I hate how I wasted my adolescence being too fucking weird and anxious to have friends. I hate the fact that I'm so unloveable that nobody has ever wanted anything to do with me, I mean the friends I have now probably secretly don't want me around and even if they do really like me I'm never going to bring myself to fully believe that they do. I hate the fact that I only accepted myself for who I was in the past year and spent years trying to be someone I wasn't. I hate the fact that I've all but thrown the one fucking life I had away.

I don't see what the point in continuing to live is because I don't want to be here and nobody wants me here either. That's another thing I hate, these people who have the audacity to claim that I'd be missed if I killed myself, that's bullshit. I don't care about your anecdote involving someone who committed suicide and was missed either because that was clearly a person who was actually worth something, who actually meant something to people, and that doesn't fucking apply to me. If it was going to get better it would have gotten better by now.

Life just isn't for everyone and I'm one of those people who it isn't for. I'm never going to be happy. I'm never going to be liked or loved for who I am. I'm never going to matter to anyone. None of my dreams are going to come true; for fuck's sake I'm never going to transition fully or be accepted as female or any of that shit, that's not happening. If I didn't feel like I had some duty to people to actually live, I wouldn't still be here. But I'm close to realising that nobody really wants me around anyway.

The pain and anguish I go through daily is unbearable. I can't talk to anyone about it because I just end up feeling guilty if I do, and besides I hate talking about my feelings. Most days I hurt myself to cope with the pain but now it's summer and my family will see the cuts on my arms so I can't do that. I'm left with no way to cope.

I really, really don't want to live anymore. Not only do I not want to live but I'm fairly sure nobody else wants me to live. I'm just a useless, worthless waste of space with no fucking redeeming qualities whatsoever and there's no point in me staying around. I need help but I don't know how to get it. This is just me screaming out for something, fuck knows what.

"Looking at the stars; it's comforting to think how small we are in comparison."
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Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: Suicidal again. - June 12th 2015, 10:37 AM

i'm sorry that you've been through so much. and i think that plenty of people don't really feel like everything's begun till a certain age. and i think that your adolescence is something that taught you a lesson. Everyone has times where they feel like they've wasted precious opportunities and chances. But life is fair because it gives everyone a chance.

And i think that transgender people are awesome. And you are certainly someone who can think, someone who can make decisions. And things are getting better now, and they're only going to get even better in the future. I promise you, you're better than you think you are.

I also felt the same way, in ways we're kinda similar. I sorta had a wasted period, but i'm living to the fullest right now. You will definitely be happy.. and for now, you just gotta stay calm, do the right thing... and make mistakes and learn from them. Life's a learning curve... but it'll always allow you to be happy when you learn.

So be happy and dance. There's no set way to live life.. but what i know is that while we're here, we should be happy. That's the one true sentence that will always hold true to me.

It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.

rant to me if there's anything!



As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
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