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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ashen Offline
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guilt bringing me down again - June 11th 2015, 11:10 PM

This is kind of a rant and makes little sense. I'm kind of out of it and things don't feel quite right in my extremely stupid screwed up head right now so i'm going to ramble a bit. Okay, alot. Oh, and my computer died so i'm typing this on my phone so i apologize for spelling errors.

I posted here i don't know how long ago, when i was doing really bad. Things got better for the two weeks that my dad wasn't here. That was so nice. I hardly had serious thoughts of suicide and i didn't hurt myself at all.
And then the wednesday (june 3) before he came back, in my second to last soccer game... what happens? I get elbowed in the back of the head and end up with a concussion. Again! Two weeks before graduation. Right in the middle of finals.
The specialist in sports related concussions suggested the school make special arrangements for me with finals cause of my very stupid head making it really hard to read more than a couple of sentences at a time.
The school exempted me from taking the rest of my finals due to my high grades and that's a good thing cause concentrating for any length of time on anything intellectual is still next to impossible.
But now i feel really guilty about not having to take finals or really do any other work in my classes. I'm not missing any school but i can't really do anything in class. I tried doing a webquest in oceanography and felt close to blacking out a couple times. Writing or typing, like this post, give me a pounding headache. But i feel so guilty about not doing any work in class and it's bringing me down again. I can just feel the depression coming back.
In the week after the hit i had fewer thoughts of suicide than i had in any given day of the past six months. But it's all coming back now and being stuck at home in the afternoons now is so stressful cause he's back again.
I just know things are going to get bad again soon and i don't know what to do. I don't even feel like i'm here completely. It's like i'm stuck in this dense fog i can't escape.

Sorry. This ended up being really whiny. I'm just sick and tired of my bedamned head f***ing everything up.
   
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Re: guilt bringing me down again - June 12th 2015, 01:06 AM

Hey there!

Don't worry at all about it sounding whiny, because it doesn't sound whiny at all. To me, what you've said does make sense and I'm glad that you were able to post this. Being able to open up about your feelings and talk about things is really healthy. Don't be afraid to do so again, okay? We're all here to listen.

Is it alright if I ask why your dad being back is upsetting to you? Are you not close with him, or are their troubles in your relationship with him? Either way, I'm sorry about the whole situation. As for your concussion, that sounds really painful and I hope you begin feeling better soon. Have you seen your doctor again to make sure that you're recovering properly with no sort of complications? Having a check-up might be a good idea.

Not having to take finals is a positive thing, especially considering your concussion but I understand how it would make you feel guilty. In a way, that makes you a pretty thoughtful person, you know? Some students try to get out of school-related work sometimes! Your reasons for not taking the finals are more than understandable, though so try reminding yourself of that. After all, you are still dealing with a concussion and having lots of pain from it given all the headaches you're experiencing. Along with that, there's the emotional side of things so I'd say you're more than due for a time-out from all the stress, wouldn't you say?

In the meantime, how about taking advantage of this free time and practice self-care? Treat yourself to little comforts and enjoyments. Do your best to relax and have some fun, you deserve it because you seem to have dealt with a lot. How about doing a light craft, such as beading for example? Those are simple but can be fun. Or even doing a jigsaw puzzle. Treat yourself to a warm bath, your favorite beverage and a snack etc.

My inbox is open anytime if you need someone to talk to. Hope you start feeling better soon in terms of your concussion and the emotional trouble you're experiencing. And remember, you're welcome to continue reaching out, alright? Talking about your feelings and things going on is a really healthy way of expressing yourself, which is why you're more than welcome to continue doing so.

Last edited by DeletedAccount11; June 12th 2015 at 08:04 PM.
   
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Re: guilt bringing me down again - June 12th 2015, 03:22 AM

Thank you so much for replying. He's very...difficult...to live with. Compared to when he was gone, the stress and tension in this house has more than quadrupled since he returned. Let's just say the only times he's said more than one word to me in the past two plus months is to scream at me for being such a complete idiotic failure and disappointment.
As to relaxing/stress relief, i've been making jewelry more. But some of the more intricate designs i like to work on get a bit dicey. What i usually do is read but the most i've been able to manage is a few pages a day. I dug out my favorite books from years ago. They have larger print so might have better luck getting through them.
Do you have any suggestions for what i should do during class? The teachers kind of aren't letting me do work and when i did some latin translations this afternoon it completely wiped me out and gave me another headache. I don't like just sitting at my desk doing nothing but i'm not sure what i can do.
   
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Re: guilt bringing me down again - June 12th 2015, 07:32 AM

You're very welcome. I hope my reply helped you a bit.

I'm really sorry your dad treats you that way by saying such things. Along with the tension, that sounds really hard to deal with. I hope you know what he said about you being an "idiotic failure" isn't true at all and your dad really should show you more kindness as you're a much stronger and nicer person than you're given credit for. You deserve to be treated so much better, especially by your own father. Do you know why your dad is difficult in such ways? Have you talked to him about how it really hurts when he says things like that to you? I'm not aware of the whole situation but I can see how it's hard for you.

I was wondering, do you think it would be possible to build a better relationship between you and your dad? If you do want to be closer, maybe he would listen if you sat down with him at a time when he wasn't busy and had a heartfelt conversation with him. Voice your feelings to him in a calm way and allow him to share his feelings as well. Putting in a little effort here and there may make a positive difference. Such as asking him to do an activity with you sometime, like playing a game, doing a hobby, anything involving just the two of you that may be a bonding experience.

On another note, is your mom around for support? Perhaps you could talk to her, and maybe she could speak to your dad about the things he says to you. Along with that, she could be a good source of support and comfort to you while you're dealing with your struggles.

Have you spoken to your teachers about the whole situation and details? Explaining you're still dealing with a concussion but you'd appreciate having some light work to do might be beneficial. They may be able to figure out other schoolwork to give you that'd be easier on you just while you recover. Are you allowed to have earphones in class, or at least in one ear? Perhaps you could download quiet, calming music without lyrics or nature sounds onto a device and listen to it. Relaxing your mind may help a lot when trying to focus. Could you bring a notebook to class to keep yourself entertained when you don't have schoolwork? You could write poetry or short stories along with drawing.

Hope this helped, I'm sorry I don't have any other ideas! I wish you the best. Take care and feel free to write back.

Last edited by DeletedAccount11; June 12th 2015 at 11:17 AM. Reason: Grammar fix, oops!
   
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Re: guilt bringing me down again - June 12th 2015, 09:53 PM

You helped a lot, thank you so much.
Today was a bit better. I only had to go down to the nurse once for only like a half hour and that was just cause it was too loud. So that was a plus.
I took some copies of pages from a mandala coloring book I got a couple months ago. It gave me a little bit of a headache, but I didn't get dizzy. Next week, since most classes just have finals, I'll bring a notebook and try to work on my one story. Thanks for that idea.
I did ask my teachers if there was any other light work I could do. They kind of said no and just told me basically to rest my head. I tried some of the work - just copying a vocab list - but for some reason that made my head go really foggy again.

He treats my mom as bad as he does me, if not worse. We've kind of had to learn to deal with it together. When she's home we usually sit in the big bedroom upstairs together and leave the downstairs to him. But she's at work for twelve hours every weekday. So I'm left on my own for four+ hours, stuck in my room cause he's downstairs. I like being alone but I don't seem to do well on my own, especially when I know he's down there.
He knows what he says and does is hurtful. He doesn't care. In his mind, he is the poor misunderstood underappreciated victim who is perfect in every way and everyone else is ignorant garbage out to get him.
Neither my mom nor I can talk to him as any and every time we speak to him we get snapped at. More often than not any attempt to discuss anything with him results in him screaming at us for a half hour. Last time before he left, I tried to talk to him about college as he's been...unbelievably horrid about it. I didn't get to open my mouth to say a word before he was screaming in my face. My mom sent me away from him because it was so bad that night.
So I really have no interest in reconciliation between us. I'm just done with him. I could not care less if I never saw or heard from him again.
But I have to live with him for several more months and it will just be him and I in the house all day starting next week. I need to come up with some way to not fracture more. The concussion isn't helping as my head feels stuffed with fog and it's extremely difficult to think things through.
I just know that once school ends and i don't have to worry about teachers seeing my wrists i'm going to start breaking again.

Last edited by Ashen; June 13th 2015 at 12:21 AM.
   
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Re: guilt bringing me down again - June 13th 2015, 08:58 AM

I'm really happy to hear that I was able to help a bit.

I'm also glad that today was a bit better for you and that you only had to go down to the nurse's office once. Sounds like you're starting to recover a little more which is great, so it might be best to continue taking it easy. As for working on your story, that's exciting! If I may ask, what sort of story are you working on? I've seen some of your work in the self-expression forum so I'm interested! Hopefully you can work on your story in class and by resting properly you can make a speedy recovery.

As for your dad, I'm really sorry to hear about the situation with him. It sounds like it's really painful for both you and your mom. At some point, I hope he begins to realize what he's done wrong and tries to make it up to both of you somehow. But in the meantime, neither of you deserve to be treated this way and it be considered normal. Has your mother thought about separating from him for a short while, to see if this would help him realize the error of his ways? Sometimes a break can help both people take a step back and rethink things.

While I've never been in your shoes, I can try my best to understand just how difficult it is for you. To be alone with him, not be able to talk to him without being yelled at and then the silence and tension when you aren't speaking to him. I can just imagine why you'd struggle so much emotionally. I know you've been hurt by him so much so I can understand your reasons. I just hope someday you're given a chance to have some sort of good relationship with your father or at least be on good terms with him, you deserve that (as long as he's treating you right; kindly and with respect as you are his daughter).

Loneliness is really tough, and I see how it'd be really hard for you being alone so often up in your room. I was wondering if you had any friends from school you could text or talk to on the phone to keep you company? Or maybe you could stay over at their house until your mom comes home? Having a friend to talk to and spend time with could be really good for you. Perhaps you could join different groups and clubs at your school to meet others your age with common interests?

Do you think it would help to have goals in place for after school ends, so that you have something else to stay clean for? Such as setting a goal for how long you want to stay self-harm free (a date past the time school ends), and keep trying to go longer? Having hobbies, distractions and healthy coping mechanisms could help you find outlets in other ways that are much better than resorting to self-harm. Gradually setting a healthy lifestyle routine could also be rather therapeutic for you as well. Such as keeping a daily exercise routine, spending time in the sun often (like going for daily walks) and filling your time with things that make you happy and allow you to express yourself in healthy ways.

You're quite a strong person given all the things you struggle with, so just remember that to remind yourself that you can get through this. You've gotten so far, so keep holding on. Life won't always be this difficult, things change and that has to mean things change in a positive way at some point, you know? There's always the sun that comes out after a storm. Plus, you mentioned that you only had to live there a couple more months, while I understand that's a long time considering your home situation, just think of how much better it'll be to finally be able to take a step forward from it all. I'm sure that for your future, all this will be worth it. Just keep thinking of how you want your future to be and take as many steps towards making it how you want it as possible.

Through all of this, you aren't alone. You've got all of TeenHelp on your side, and my inbox is always open to you if you need a friend. Take care and stay strong.
   
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Re: guilt bringing me down again - June 14th 2015, 04:23 AM

She was considering divorcing him years ago, but he was threatening to take me away from her and she wouldn't let him have full custody so...here we are, still stuck with him. And now he has the house and everything as leverage as without him consenting to sell or give her half the price of the house with both of their names on the deed(word?) she can't afford another place to live.
I only have like one, maybe two close friends at school. Em lives a block away and she's told be several times to come over if he gets bad, but i just feel like i'm imposing(not sure of the word) on her. I don't want to take up too much of her time or be a burden or bothersome.
I have recycling club once a week after school, but i can do that only because it's just Emilie and i with another friend of ours and she can give a ride home. I don't have a drivers license and my dad won't give me a ride so i'd have to walk home. Not a problem except for the first 45-60 minutes of walking it's on a fairly busy road with no shoulder so not the safest.
The one thing that usually keeps me grounded is my books and reading. I always have a book with me to distract or refocus me when my thoughts start going downhill. But i can't read right now, i haven't been able to for the past week and a half and still can barely get through a page at best, and it's killing me (not quite sure if meant figuratively or literally. Maybe both) ( sorry, concussion=foggy head=strange mood=weird(er) sense of humor).
There's a park about an hour's walk from my house so once school ends i'll probably try to go there most days for the time my mom's at work.

I just want to say thank you for taking the time and effort to write such thoughtful replies. It has really helped. Thank you, again.

Last edited by Ashen; June 14th 2015 at 04:42 AM.
   
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Re: guilt bringing me down again - June 15th 2015, 11:46 AM

That sounds like a rather tough situation for both you and your mom to be stuck in, I'm sorry about this whole situation, I wish I could help. Both you and your mom sound like really strong people for going through this. Once you're 18, do you have somewhere you can move to where you can be in a happier and healthier environment? Such as a trusted family member's house or one of your close friends? Being somewhere different could give you some clarity and help you figure out what to do next.

Recycling club sounds like an interesting thing to do after school so I'm glad you have that and have friends who do it also to give you a ride home because walking home does sound rather dangerous! On the subject of your driver's license, when are you able to get your driver's license if it's okay for me to ask? Getting your driver's license could be a good step towards having independence especially since your dad doesn't give you rides.

As for your friend, I understand your concerns but I highly doubt you're imposing on her at all. I'm sure she's happy to help you out, and plus, you deserve to have someone to turn to, you know? You also seem to be a rather kind person all the while struggling with such difficult things in your life. Reaching out to your friend is completely okay to do when you need, and that doesn't make you a burden.

A sense of humor is never a bad thing no matter what the source is. Your concussion sounds really tough especially as it's preventing you from doing things you enjoy, but I'm glad you're looking for other things to do in the meantime. I hope you find enjoyment and peacefulness by visiting the park while your mom's at work. Do you have a friend who'd walk with you to the park and hang out with you? That'd make it much safer and potentially more fun!

No worries at all, Ashen! I'm really glad that you're able to talk about these things somewhere and I'm happy that my replies are helping you because I definitely don't mind listening. I was wondering if you're feeling any better and noticing any improvements regarding your concussion? Hope you're feeling a little better!
   
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