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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
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You are everything! And me, I am nothing. - June 17th 2015, 08:06 AM

I can't live anymore.
I feel so alone. I mean, I talk to my boyfriend everyday, nearly texting him at all hours of the day, and yet I'm all alone.
Today, tonight, 6/17, Is the second anniversary of what I call Junetime. Two years ago I fell into a giant panic attack that filled me with pain and hospitalized me for 3 weeks, nearly the entire month, almost clashing with my real birthday. I literally got out of the hospital a day before my birthday because I kept insisting and pleading for them to release me because being in that prison for the day where I'm suppose to celebrate and be happy, god thinking about it brings me to tears.
It was all over some stupid friends I got too attached to. It had been I think 2 years since seeing an actual psychiatrist or therapist or had been taking any medication for my schizoaffective disorder. I was deep deep into my delusions and I was heavily hallucinating on a daily basis. I hid in my room and talked to friends online from 9am to 4am, sometimes not sleeping at all. I shared everything with them, and they were my only friends. They brought me up and made me feel like what I was experiencing was normal. I got too attached. I treated them like saints and held their ideas and advice higher than what I felt was right. I finally felt like I was respected and that I belonged and that I was loved for once in my life. I cared so much. And at the same time, I was losing all sense of reality.
For some reason, I can't really recall my delusions or what happened on a daily basis then. All I remember is talking to them and talking about my delusions and whatever I hallucinated. I remember just feeling so high, and when I recall things it's just foggy and eventually painful. Just this big pain in my gut.
It scares me so much I can't sleep.
I remember screaming at the ER because I thought something was attacking me and I remember seeing my mom nearly crying and holding me down because I was shaking so bad. And then I just remember the next day going to a psych ER and being super sleepy and restrained.
What triggered it was one of my online friends that I was heavily attached to called me out and said all these hurtful things and called me crazy after months and months of him making me feel like I was ok. He deleted me from his contacts and talked about me to other people. He publicly shamed me and my delusions and fears and every personal detail I shared with him. When that happened, the pains in my gut happened and I just remember panicking so badly and then just waking up at the ER and seeing so many things happen to me. I think at some point I was outside my body seeing me shake and tremor like I was freezing with no clothes on in the middle of winter. At one point days after I had that entire episode and I was admitted to the hospital, I noticed bruises on my arms and the nurses told me it was because I had to be restrained and used force against me to restrain me. I don't remember anything. They also put me on heavy sedatives when they restrained me so I was sleepy for a week. My mom would visit me everyday.
My sister who I barely see because she lives far away flew all the way here to celebrate my birthday month. When she arrived she didn't know I was in the hospital and she cried so much. I hurt her so much and I don't even feel remorse for it. I am a terrible person.
Ever since then my mom had treated me way differently. She treats me like a special case but at the same time verbally abuses me every day. She calls me names and degrades me. I have embedded in my brain that I am a useless diseased nothing that deserves no love and no hope and should just be locked up for good. But I mean, I shouldn't blame her for all that. I am the one who controls my thoughts. It's just hard to believe I'm otherwise when she tells me I'm going to be cheated on by my future husband because I can't cook or clean, or that I'll never achieve my educational goals of getting a degree because I see a therapist. Or that I'm just upright useless, hopeless, lazy bum.
My current therapist says that my mom doesn't abuse me, that she does it all in the name of love, or that it's my fault because she was probably angry and I caused it. I don't see how calling someone useless on a daily basis means love, but she's the professional so I should just go with it.
My sister barely talks to me anymore. I email her weekly but I almost never get a reply. I think I really fucked up because before we would constantly text and facebook chat but then when I went to the hospital she just got "too busy" with everything. At first I thought it was just she was busy and she would clear up once she got vacation from school but vacation came and she still didn't talk. We went to Colorado for a few days last winter but our talks were literally small talk. I really really fucked up.
I haven't heard from my dad in years. He moved to another state about a year ago I think. I haven't talked to him since I moved from his house about 3 years ago. It pains me every fathers day that comes to think of him. I guess I was too attached to him as well.
My boyfriend is great. He's really supportive and I love him so much. I never want to bother him. I get afraid he'll leave me because I talk too much about my problems or I hurt him how I hurt my sister. Or he'll react like how my old internet friend reacted. I feel I can't talk to him, not to anyone that knows me. I just feel so alone.
On a daily basis I just want a hug but instead I just get degrading words thrown at me. I don't want to live anymore. It's too much and I don't want to live to see another hospitalization or have someone leave all over again, or hurt someone, or be constantly called names on a daily basis to the point where I look in the mirror and I want to throw up from disgust from believing all that my mom tells me.
Don't tell me to move out, I don't even have a cent to my name to even fathom doing that. I can't move in with my boyfriend, he doesn't even want to do that. His parents hate me anyways.
Don't tell me to tell someone about the verbal abuse. I already have and they tell me it's love not hate what's being told to me.
Tell me i'm in the right to kill myself because I truly am.


  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: You are everything! And me, I am nothing. - June 17th 2015, 11:27 AM

Hey, Jane!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now, sounds like you're going through a lot. I'm glad you reached out here. though, I hope writing it out has helped you a bit.

Becoming so close with your friends and spending so much time with them just to have them betray you like that must have hurt a lot. I'm really sorry that he publicly shared personal details you shared with him. That's so wrong and showed he wasn't a true friend. I understand how awful experiences like that would discourage you from getting close to others, but try to remember that not all people are like that. There's lots of people that'll truly care and honor what friendship means and is all about. Those people are possible to find so don't be afraid to make friends, you can always build trust by sharing small things at the start just till you know they're safe to become close to.

What your therapist has said in regards to you being verbally abused sounds really unprofessional. Maybe she saw it as that your mother does love you, cares for you but is worried about you and just expresses that in all the wrong ways. Regardless, what your therapist said wasn't right because the way you're being treated is not your fault. Are there any other therapists you can go to? By what you've said, it sounds as she isn't helping you much as a professional. And if that's true, then you shouldn't have to go along with what she says simply because she's a professional as that doesn't make what she says true. Therapy can be really helpful and I'm glad you're getting help, but it might be best if you see someone that you can really see progress with after therapy sessions.

Despite what your therapist and others has said, the things your mother says to you isn't okay, she shouldn't be calling you names and degrading you. Have you told your mother that what she says to you is extremely hurtful, and that it's really affecting your self-esteem? Expressing your feelings and speaking up when she says things that hurt you might make her be more aware of what she says. You deserve to be treated more lovingly by your mother, and you're allowed to speak up and voice your feelings too.

On that note, I can understand how you would suffer low self-esteem and begin believing what's being told to you by your mother so often. I just want to take a moment and remind you that you have a lot of beauty to you that you aren't able to see in such a negative environment. But try to make it a habit daily to focus on yourself and remind yourself of all your positive qualities. Both physical and personality-wise. Make a list of all the good things about yourself, look at yourself and try finding things you like about yourself. Such as your hair, your eyes or a unique way you have of thinking/doing a certain thing etc. And go from there in learning to see yourself in a more positive light by realizing that what your mother says isn't the truth. Along with that, treat yourself like you would a friend. Be kind to yourself, relax, treat yourself to spoils! Such as your favorite snack and a movie, a relaxing bath, do your nails, fix your hair up nicely etc.

Considering what your past friend did and the response of your therapist upon telling her about your mother, I can understand why you'd be hesitant towards opening up to those in your life who know you. But it's important to remember that not everyone will react in negative ways or betray you when you open up. There are people that understand, like your boyfriend for example, it sounds like he really cares for you and I imagine he just wants to help you through this; not do the same thing your old friend did or leave you over your problems. Having support from your boyfriend is really healthy as long as you aren't completely dependent on him. Along with that, are there any support groups in your area that you can go to? Or any adults you trust that you can open up to? Here's a list of people you can go to for help.

Perhaps your sister seeing you in the hospital scared her because she was so worried about you. Maybe this is her way of coping with that worry by distancing herself. It doesn't mean she's upset with you, just worried about you, you know? How about bringing this up with her and ask her if there's another reason why she isn't responding to your emails and let her know you really miss talking with her. As for your father, if it's okay for me to ask, why did you move away? Could you get back into contact with him and let him know you miss him, and even call him next week to wish him a happy father's day? I'm not sure he'd really appreciate that. Remember that the ability to become emotionally attached to others is a beautiful thing, and while it may be painful at times, denying yourself of emotional attachment also denies you the good feelings of it too.

During your spare time, how about doing hobbies and things you enjoy to add some enjoyment and distraction during your day? Exploring your interests and trying out new hobbies could be fun as well. Learning a musical instrument can become an immersive hobby and emotional outlet too. Having healthy ways to express yourself such as creative writing and art can be very therapeutic. Keeping a journal to write down your thoughts and feelings is a great way to express yourself!

Do you have a pet? Pets can be wonderful and therapeutic for many reasons and adopting a pet might help you a bit. On another note, have you ever looked at this list? It's a list of reasons to live put together by members of TeenHelp. Perhaps you could read over those and also make a list of reasons to live that suit you, personally. Such as making future goals for yourself, and thinking about all the things you want to experience in life. Doing so could be really helpful in motivating yourself to keep fighting for that happiness that you deserve. Regardless of what your mother says, you aren't hopeless and you can achieve your educational goals if you put your effort into it. I don't see how seeing a therapist would have any effect on that, so don't let her statements discourage you. You can make it far and achieve many things, all these things you go through just make you stronger for it in the end.

From what you've wrote here, you've been through a lot and still face so much now. Your feelings are understandable and your struggles are real, no one has the right to tell you otherwise. But I want to remind you that you are not useless, nor hopeless, but you are important and have a purpose. Anyone can make rude statements and put others down, but that doesn't make it the truth. You have a lot to offer and I imagine you're a really sweet girl who's just been through a lot in life. Sounds like things are really rough right now, but remember that this pain won't last forever. And life is full of change, that means positive things can happen too. You have a future and so many new things to explore and experience, you know? Try not to lose sight of that. You're a strong person and you can make it through this, so don't give up, okay? You can do this, Jane.

P.S: Apologies for my reply being so long but I hope I helped at least a little. Message me if you need someone to talk to.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: You are everything! And me, I am nothing. - June 18th 2015, 11:47 AM

I'm sorry you have had such a rough time over the past two years. I can relate to becoming dependent on Internet relationships. Sometimes it's easier to open up to people online and while that can be helpful and supportive (such as on this website), there are situations where it can blow up in a person's face.

It's unfortunate that you feel your family relationships are so stressed or distant. In my opinion, your mother is in the wrong for the things she says to you and I agree with the above poster that it is unprofessional for your therapist to agree with her behavior. In regard to your father and sister, it could be that they simply do not know how to speak to you in light of your problems over the past two years. Not that this is an excuse (you appear to be making an effort, at least in regard to your sister, and I feel they should try to reciprocate), but they may be fearful of saying something that could worsen the way you feel.

It sounds as if you have something special with your boyfriend. Try not to let anything - whether it be his parents or the problems you are dealing with - get in the way of that. This alone is worth living for and I'm sure your boyfriend would be happy to help you any way he can. You can make it through this. Best wishes.
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Re: You are everything! And me, I am nothing. - June 24th 2015, 01:31 AM

I know everything's not ok right now and your mom is definitely not in the right calling you names, but please don't kill yourself. You just have to believe that things will get better. Maybe try another therapist. I feel the same way with my parents a lot. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, nothing pleases them. Some people just don't understand how much they are really screwing with someones mind. Try telling her if you haven't. People who don't have mental disorders really don't understand how much it can effect your everyday life and that's hard. I borderline personality disorder and social anxiety. My parents do not understand this at all. I just have to go with it a lot of times, because I don't want to get in a fight or sent to a therapist. So please believe that things will get better and know that you are loved and DON'T KILL YOURSELF.
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