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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Mattw Offline
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Unhappy I guess I just have to let it out - June 29th 2015, 08:18 AM

I guess that my story is one that most people would hear and then tell me something about how so many people have it so much worse than me. I guess that's why I'm too afraid to tell anyone.

I don't think I ever really cared about love until about a year ago. I dated a girl once back in Grade 8 (my only relationship) that I truly believed I loved at the time, but I ended up screwing that up barely a few weeks after it started.

In Grade 9 I decided my life was meaningless enough to start doing drugs and give up on basically everything I had. Luckily that didn't last too long, and in Grade 10 I turned my life back around (because I liked a girl who was smart and cared about clean living), and ended up becoming one of the top students in my class.

In Grade 12 I ended up falling in (what I now truly believe to be) love for the first. I truly thought that we could have been perfect. We both liked the same shows, the same books, we both cared about school, we both liked photography and nature and hiking and biking. She was shy so I knew not to try and make a move too quickly. After about 2 months of getting to know her, I asked her to prom. She said yes (I realize now that was likely only because she didn't wanna hurt me). One night, about a month after that, I got drunk at a party and decided I would text her and tell her I loved her. She never responded, and after that she seemed to steer from me like a dead end. About a month after that, I fell for another girl. It was strange because she's essentially the exact opposite of the girl I'd loved before. She hated school, she didn't really enjoy nature, she went to every party and made her presence known. I had some of my happiest moments with this girl. At the party after prom I spent most of the night with this girl that I loved, who was too drunk to stand so leaned against and said little. Of the few things she said to me, she said that she wanted to see one of my best friends, because she really loved him. Those words broke me. As soon as she left the party, I ran about a mile away from the party and nearly killed myself with a mixture of painkillers and alcohol. I had the bottle against my lips with tears in my eyes. At this point I almost wish that I had gone through with it.

The week after prom I made several sad attempts to talk to and hang out with this girl that I nearly killed myself over, but she would hardly even look at me now. I wish I knew what I did to deserve it. I don't even love her anymore but it still just kills me that one of the people who had been my closest friends decided to disconnect themselves from me so suddenly without a reason.

Anyways, at a going away party for a Spanish exchange student, my heart swayed once again, to the valedictorian of my grad class, whom I've known since Kindergarten, and whom I had a huge crush on back in elementary school. I tried so hard to dissuade my affections, but I just couldn't do it. At the party after graduation (at which I got quite drunk), I noticed my newly found love spending an awful lot of time with my best friend (a different best friend than the one my former love professed her feelings for). At first when I saw this, I wandered away from the party. I sat next to the river and thought about what I could do. I eventually decided to go back to the party, and when I found the right moment, I kissed her. At first I had planned for this to be just a brief, farewell kiss, before I then ran off and took my own life. I had assumed that she would be so repulsed by this sudden action that she would pull away and slap me, giving me the last kick that I needed to feel low enough to end it all. She didn't though. She seemed to like it. She lingered longer than even I would have hoped for in my dizziest daydreams. It was the closest thing to reciprocated love that I've ever felt. I wish my life could have ended right after that.

At any rate, that happiness didn't last long. We ended up at someone's house with a group of friends, and started watching a movie. I laid down on the floor, hoping so dearly that she would find a spot next to me, and we'd snuggle up close and I'd be the happiest person in the world without a drop of misery to be found in my thoughts. Alas...

Of course the spot she found wasn't next to me, it was next to my best friend. And of course they snuggled up together, as I had imagined we had. I literally couldn't stand it. I felt like I would die right then and there if I had to be near this embodiment of everything that's ever made me sad any longer. I left. The next day she held a barbecue that I was invited to. She had invited me, but no one else really that I knew. Still not sure what to make of that. Anyways, when she first saw me she seemed really happy to see me. As the afternoon went by, she seemed less happy to see me. Again, I truly wish I knew why. Her friends seemed to like me, they all laughed at my jokes; one of her friends even liked my silly way with words so much that she asked why she saw so little of me. The girl I like didn't seem all that impressed, though; she sort of smiled at my jokes, but it seemed like she was making a point of not looking at me and not laughing at anything I said. I left the barbecue with a seemingly reluctant hug from her. I returned an hour later because I forgot my backpack, and she said that they were about to leave to go play on the playground for old time's sake with her friends. She didn't actually invite me, but I tagged along anyways just to see if I could get a hint of affection from her. I didn't, of course.

The straw that made me type this message, though, was when I decided to talk to her on Facebook tonight. I asked her how her day was, what she did, things like that (I certainly noted that she only ever answered my questions but never asked any questions back, I'm pretty sure I've read somewhere that that signifies a lack of interest; oh well). She told me she had went rock climbing with her (recent) former boyfriend. The single word response of his name really tore me to pieces. I stood up from my computer, stepped outside into the pitch black and stared at the sky for about 10 minutes thinking about ways to finish my life's final chapter. I finally stepped back inside and messaged her again, asking her if she had plans for tomorrow. She told me she is gonna go biking with her ex-boyfriend's brother, and signaled no intention of inviting me to join (even though she knows well that I love biking, and nature). I even made a somewhat-joke about her not inviting me, but she still didn't bite, so I said good night.

And that's it, that was 20 minutes ago I said good night, and this is what I've been doing since then. I've had a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of alcohol at the ready for several months in the case that I feel like I do now. But really, I don't feel like doing it. If I did, I wouldn't be typing right now; I'd be dead. I couldn't do that to all the friends and family that really do care about me, even though I've neglected many of them and been quite a dick sometimes. I just don't know how long my interest in putting everyone else's happiness above my own will outweigh my desire to put an end to what has been nothing but pain and misery. Even the moments I had that were happy feel sad now because of what's happened since then.

Thank you for taking the time to read this hopeless kid's story. Anything you can say will be appreciated more than you will ever know.

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Ral. Offline
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Re: I guess I just have to let it out - June 29th 2015, 10:50 AM

Hey Matt,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a rogue phase right now and from what I read of your story, you've been through rough patches a lot in the past few years. Feelings can be hurtful as much as they can be amazing but I know you can get through this.

You say you can't end your life because you can't hurt your friends or your family and that line alone tells me what a caring and considerate person you are and I'm so proud of you. You're stronger than you could ever imagine and I can promise you that you will get through this and life does get better. A lyric I really like (and often turn to when I'm feeling down) that sums this up really well is in the song 'These Times' by Safety Suit:

"These times will try hard to define me, and I'll try to hold my head up high. But I've seen despair here from the inside, and it's got a one track mind. And I have this feeling in my gut now, and I don't know what it is I'll find. Does anybody ever feel like, you're always one step behind? Now I'm sitting alone here in my bed, I'm waiting for an answer that I don't know that I'll get. I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm falling. I'm telling you these times are hard, but they will pass..."

I hope you can take something from what I've said in this post and if you feel like you need to talk, please feel free to message me.

Look after yourself buddy,


PM/VM Me if you need any sort of help, I welcome ANYONE who wants to talk.

"In case you didn't know, dead people don't bleed. If you can bleed, see it, feel it, then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I guess I just have to let it out - June 29th 2015, 01:56 PM

Hello, Matt: I'm sorry you are dealing with so much pain at the moment. Relationship troubles can be devastating, but please remember that nobody is worth ending your life over, especially given that you recognize the fact that there are people who care very much for you. Take care.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: I guess I just have to let it out - June 29th 2015, 06:10 PM

I read the story, and i'll just say this.. you're someone who's growing up, and these sort of experiences will only make you grow. Forget about it if this chance doesn't work out for you.. I think that you'll eventually find someone who's just right for you, and ready to love you and make you happy in everywhere and dedicate her life to you and show you the meaning of happiness.

Everyone fears rejection. Everyone has faced rejection. But what matters is how you overcome it, how you beat it and learn things from every experience. I can tell that you're a very good person, and that your love is true love. I can definitely tell you that any girl who gets the chance to gain your affection and your faithfulness is a very lucky person, so have faith. I believe that you're destined to be together with someone who's loving, and you'll be happy.

Now, stop those hurtful thoughts and concentrate about the things that can go right. Because the way i see it, plenty of things are going to go well for you. You deserve the best.

If you need any guy advice or just someone to rant to, don't hesitate to ask me . I'll always be around.

It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.

rant to me if there's anything!



As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I guess I just have to let it out - June 29th 2015, 10:41 PM

Hi, Matt.

I read all of this and upon reading it, I don't get the feeling to tell you that others have it much worse (nor do I see it that way), but to tell you I'm really sorry and I'm so happy you opened up about all of this. While everyone has problems that are bigger and smaller compared to others, they all affect us which makes them all matter just the same. I can understand how this would be hurting you so much. These girls you cared so much about broke your heart - it's normal to be so hurt, but one thing I don't agree with is what you said at the end of your post. You aren't hopeless at all, Matt. I promise you that. Everyone has potential and so do you.

Being in love and dating can be a wonderful experience but it's really important that you build up a personal independence just in case the relationship doesn't work out. What I mean by personal independence is having other things going in your life apart from the relationship, like spending time/making plans with friends, hobbies, attending events etc. While being rejected is extremely hurtful, having other parts of your life to resort to can be really comforting so that you're less likely to feel as hopeless and suicidal.

Along with that, do you have anyone that you can talk to in your life regarding your experiences and suicidal thoughts? I know you're afraid to tell others, but your problems matter and are important too. You deserve the support and someone to turn to when you feel as you may end your life. Plus, I'm sure that if you open up to the right people, they'd be more understanding than you might think. On that note, you're more than welcome to continue opening up here!

Perhaps you could work on becoming more involved with school and join clubs, sports and groups? Meeting new people could be refreshing and simply having another activity at school can be a nice distraction. You seem to have a lot of great hobbies! Have you thought about expanding your interests by exploring different sorts of hobbies? Finding new things to be passionate towards can really brighten your day. Having ways to express yourself is really important also. Such as journaling (or even blogging on here!), writing poems/short stories. Drawing, painting and music is a way to express yourself as well. Keeping your emotions, experiences and thoughts bottled up is really unhealthy.

Writing out your story here was so brave and courageous, I'm really glad that you did, Matt. I understand why you would feel this devastated towards the rejection. You seem to really care about the girls that you were involved with especially as the first made you turn your life around. But in the meantime, try to build up a different view on life by living for yourself right now. For your happiness. Take time out of each day to focus on you and make sure you're taking care of yourself. Practice self-care and treat yourself like you would a friend. Make sure you remind yourself that you're worth it, that your life and future is worth it (because it is). No one else's actions should tell you otherwise.

You seem like a really caring person and that matters a lot. To keep being kind, caring and to keep being you. The right girl will really appreciate you for who you are, so work on making your life happy for you even when you aren't currently dating. From what you said, you're doing well in school and you have family and friends who really care for you. Embrace that but also try to make life goals and find reasons for living outside of relationships and other people's happiness, live for your happiness as well. You have a future and I imagine you can go far. I also believe that you'll find the right girl soon enough that'll make everything click into place but don't let the actions of these girls determine the worth of your life, okay? You matter so much more than what others make you feel.

Hope this helped. You're welcome to message me if you'd like someone to talk to, okay? Take care, Matt. I hope you feel better soon.
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