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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I don't want to live, I can't drive on like this... - July 1st 2015, 04:11 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I was putting this off for a while now and I just thought to hell with it, let's do another depressing talk about my life.
So I guess I best get on with it.

I am... pretty much suicidal and really depressed for the time being right now.
I can't seem to give purpose to my life, I don't have any purpose in living...
Sure, you could say I can live for my family but it just hurts more and more to stay alive just for them. Times are hard, and I don't see how it can get better. It can't... I know it won't.
Now ever since I lost my... relationship with this girl, I'm losing it. She was my love, life and soul. My inspiration to writing, to fight for her and to help her in her troubles. It seemed so nice to have something to fight for. But alas we cannot be together, or so I believed in it like a fool. All due to her damn parents who won't let us be together because I'm not a Christian or some shit.
Yup, simply that... fucking personal preferences where they rather chose a douche-religious woman beater over a guy who would die for this girl. Which also destroys our future, and plus the children she always wanted to have...
So there's that, that's one reason. I have... too much history with this girl, it impacted my life alot to be honest.
She... she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, always joyful and funny when she's feeling good and I'll always be there to catch her when she falls down.

But enough of that, that's one reason and its details explained.
Now onto the next...

I'm too... selfless in a way, I'm obsessed with helping the good people of Humanity... those I consider good and innocent of course. I have a problem with a few evil serial killers and rapers who have no place in a developing society. It always hurt my heart to hear those close to me going through some tough shit, or went through some really horrible stuff. I go into a state of a meltdown when I hear such news, and of course like a good, caring being... I go furious and ultimately cry when I imagine this such person's horrid event (of course i won't name the person and what the event is specifically).
But then I realize, I'm just a powerless son of a bitch. What can I do? I'm limited to just one area, I can't go over to the states to help someone so easily... not with my amount of cash.

It's hard to explain, I can... feel the suffering of others in such a damn vivid way. So much pain, and yet I can't stop the darkness...
I want to, I give my life to stop things like evil. I don't understand why people would do such a thing...
But yeah, any events that happened in any of the people I know personally and told online burns my heart. To hear such traumatic that occurred either recently or in the past. As a result, I'm more protective of girls and I just can't resist to help anyone be it guy or girl. I don't give a damn about my well-being, if I get depressed or whatever helping a person. Then yeah, that's my sacrifice.

*sighs*
It's too hard to explain what I see in good people, and how I take in their pain or the pain of their past. I just want those people to have a good life, if only I could have the power to give them that. Safe, protected and happy...

Now that's the second reason that I feel is the most important...
Now onto that the next...

I feel worthless, I guess you can gather that already but I'm truly am. Being powerless to help is one thing but to be consumed by depression and pain is... hard, and thus creates suicidal thoughts as a reaction from my mind as it can't take this craziness any longer...
I don't have a job.
I don't even go to a College.
My body is... decaying, and by that I mean I can now say I used to be a guy with above average muscles now decayed to a damn skinny guy. I fucking hate being in this body right now, and even when I try to fucking do any kind of exercises. My depressions won't let me.
So tell me, what purpose do I serve? Now that my former purpose is now out of hands... I have nothing else to live for. Just... wish someone could end my suffering...
Then what is my suffering? Compared to that of others who suffer far more than me, and still pull through just fine. Why am I weak?

I'm starting to lose it by writing this thread since I'm growing angry and suicidal just... writing this shit out so I'm gonna stop...

I don't think anyone can convince me otherwise
and my tinnitus is going haywire, espcially when I go extremely depressed... it's all I hear most nights.

I'm sorry everyone...
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't want to live, I can't drive on like this... - July 1st 2015, 06:31 PM

Hey Thomas,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time right now. But I just wanted you to know that you have people here on TeenHelp that care for you and want to help you through this situation.

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship man, I know that getting over someone that meant everything to you can be one of the hardest things to do in life. But I promise you that you can get through this and you're going to be okay. I think it's wrong of her parents to decide who she can and cannot be happy with, but is there no possible way of continuing the relationship regardless of what her parents say? I'm one to believe that nothing can truly get in the way of love, as silly as that may sound. Passion is the most important thing, and I can tell by the way you talk about her that you're incredibly passionate about her, and I am sure that she feels the same way about you. Have you tried talking to her about her parents? Or is she in a tough spot, I know from experience that people's religion can be very important in a relationship. :/

It's great that you're so selfless, and I think that how caught up you get in wanted to help people is amazing but I think you should really try and take some time for yourself as well. You mention that it's hard to not think about people you care about and the problems they are going through but without leaving any time for yourself, you're inevitably putting them in a worse place by not taking the time to look after yourself so that you can be strong when they need you.

Do you not have anybody you're close to in real life that you can talk to about how your feeling? A parent, a friend, anybody? I feel like in your situation you really need a vent everyone out to someone who is there and understands the kind of thing you're going through, because life can be incredibly hard at times, but incredibly rewarding at other times once you get through the bad.

Have you considered going back into education or looking for jobs? I find that my job is a great way to break up my day, and working with children is a joy so I really kind it hard to be depressed in a room full of so much joy. I understand that it can be hard to find jobs, but I feel like even just looking and applying for a few posts could at the least break up some of your free time so that you can climb out of this slump that you're in and grow and improve from it.

At the end of the day, I think you're an amazing person and a fantastic writer and I know I'm not the only person on TH that feels this way. I know it's hard, but I promise you that life does get better and sticking around is 100% worth it. At times like this, talking to somebody can really help, and if you feel like you want to talk more about this in private or even just on your profile, you're free to send me a PM or a VM if you'd like.

Look after yourself man, and stay strong. You can do this.

Jack.


PM/VM Me if you need any sort of help, I welcome ANYONE who wants to talk.



"In case you didn't know, dead people don't bleed. If you can bleed, see it, feel it, then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't want to live, I can't drive on like this... - July 2nd 2015, 12:58 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ral. View Post
Hey Thomas,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time right now. But I just wanted you to know that you have people here on TeenHelp that care for you and want to help you through this situation.

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship man, I know that getting over someone that meant everything to you can be one of the hardest things to do in life. But I promise you that you can get through this and you're going to be okay. I think it's wrong of her parents to decide who she can and cannot be happy with, but is there no possible way of continuing the relationship regardless of what her parents say? I'm one to believe that nothing can truly get in the way of love, as silly as that may sound. Passion is the most important thing, and I can tell by the way you talk about her that you're incredibly passionate about her, and I am sure that she feels the same way about you. Have you tried talking to her about her parents? Or is she in a tough spot, I know from experience that people's religion can be very important in a relationship. :/

It's great that you're so selfless, and I think that how caught up you get in wanted to help people is amazing but I think you should really try and take some time for yourself as well. You mention that it's hard to not think about people you care about and the problems they are going through but without leaving any time for yourself, you're inevitably putting them in a worse place by not taking the time to look after yourself so that you can be strong when they need you.

Do you not have anybody you're close to in real life that you can talk to about how your feeling? A parent, a friend, anybody? I feel like in your situation you really need a vent everyone out to someone who is there and understands the kind of thing you're going through, because life can be incredibly hard at times, but incredibly rewarding at other times once you get through the bad.

Have you considered going back into education or looking for jobs? I find that my job is a great way to break up my day, and working with children is a joy so I really kind it hard to be depressed in a room full of so much joy. I understand that it can be hard to find jobs, but I feel like even just looking and applying for a few posts could at the least break up some of your free time so that you can climb out of this slump that you're in and grow and improve from it.

At the end of the day, I think you're an amazing person and a fantastic writer and I know I'm not the only person on TH that feels this way. I know it's hard, but I promise you that life does get better and sticking around is 100% worth it. At times like this, talking to somebody can really help, and if you feel like you want to talk more about this in private or even just on your profile, you're free to send me a PM or a VM if you'd like.

Look after yourself man, and stay strong. You can do this.

Jack.

*Sighs*
I just lost my reply to yours, I guess I'll re-do it again.

Well it's a LDR, for... most of the time. She was... so beautiful when I saw her in-person, she gonna be mad if she sees this.
But yeah, I can't... accept losing her. You don't understand how well I love her, but I had to believe her... she said it's forbidden love... cos of her parents even though we're both 18.
I have the power to fly over to hers right now, if only things were so easy...
I could... go there, but she won't let me... so I'm just respecting her like a good guy would do for the girl he loves and do as she says. Ultimately I leave the choices to her, my job was to love her and make sure she's well...
*sighs* I can't talk more of this... it hurts.

Impossible...
I was born to aid anyone who's worth it, and if I stop now... I will succumb. Because it's... it's complicated, I just don't see any other purposes I have other than that.

No, because they won't understand. I tried, believe me on that...

I got... other things on my mind. If my predictions are correct, I'm setting myself up for more severe depression and I do not went to drive myself off the edge. Because I have a number of disabilities, and I'm sure I mentioned one in this thread. That and some damn spine problem, and I... have problems talking about my literal weaknesses. They always make me depressed throughout my life lol...
So no, I have not considered it. No one wants some embarrassing failure in their workforce. For college... it's too far and expensive to travel there (plus it's made up of assholes) but I'm really hoping I can go to one next year when we as a family move somewhere...

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Ral. Offline
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Re: I don't want to live, I can't drive on like this... - July 2nd 2015, 05:37 PM

Hi again Thomas,

I'm really sorry that you still feel this way and my reply wasn't of much comfort to you. I just want you to know that you're not alone with this, I often feel like if I'm not there to help people, what is the point in me being here? I was extremely depressed when I left TeenHelp for a while, but it took me breaking down before I could get better. I didn't understand that I needed a little time too, without allowing time to heal yourself, you can't expect everything to just get better.

I'm going to post a link to some hotlines here. Just for your safety, don't be afraid to talk to somebody if you feel like you can't take it any more.

I know at times like this, your inner strength and endurance is put past it's breaking point and you honestly don't feel like there's anything you can do to fix it. But you need to strive, you need to fight it. You can't improve the way you feel if you aren't willing to put everything on the floor and fight to get better.

If you don't feel like you can do this, talk to somebody. You say you've tried and I'm sorry that it didn't go well from what you've said. But you need to try again if you really want to get better. If you sit and let the darkness surround you then you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you can't do this, let us help you. Let anyone help you, because sitting and letting this happen won't help. You may feel a little better after a while, but what happens when you start to feel worse again?

I think you're an amazing human being that has a lot going on right now, but I know you can get through this. Just let us help you.

Please, if you need me send me a VM or a PM.

Stay strong man,

Jack.



PM/VM Me if you need any sort of help, I welcome ANYONE who wants to talk.



"In case you didn't know, dead people don't bleed. If you can bleed, see it, feel it, then you know you're alive. It's irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Chaotic mind...
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Re: I don't want to live, I can't drive on like this... - July 3rd 2015, 09:08 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ral. View Post
Hi again Thomas,

I'm really sorry that you still feel this way and my reply wasn't of much comfort to you. I just want you to know that you're not alone with this, I often feel like if I'm not there to help people, what is the point in me being here? I was extremely depressed when I left TeenHelp for a while, but it took me breaking down before I could get better. I didn't understand that I needed a little time too, without allowing time to heal yourself, you can't expect everything to just get better.

I'm going to post a link to some hotlines here. Just for your safety, don't be afraid to talk to somebody if you feel like you can't take it any more.

I know at times like this, your inner strength and endurance is put past it's breaking point and you honestly don't feel like there's anything you can do to fix it. But you need to strive, you need to fight it. You can't improve the way you feel if you aren't willing to put everything on the floor and fight to get better.

If you don't feel like you can do this, talk to somebody. You say you've tried and I'm sorry that it didn't go well from what you've said. But you need to try again if you really want to get better. If you sit and let the darkness surround you then you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you can't do this, let us help you. Let anyone help you, because sitting and letting this happen won't help. You may feel a little better after a while, but what happens when you start to feel worse again?

I think you're an amazing human being that has a lot going on right now, but I know you can get through this. Just let us help you.

Please, if you need me send me a VM or a PM.

Stay strong man,

Jack.

First of all, don't let my last reply get you down... (or I got the feeling it got you down).

It's just I've heard it many times, that's why i always put off doing one of these threads though it's in hope of clearing my head or whatever. It's mainly just coughed up things from my mind... and anyone will have to open it up and figure it out.

and I just... don't know what to do. I've done making threads too many times.It's like getting shot at multiple times and wearing it off like it's nothing but it's gonna happen again...
I've been fighting this longer than you can imagine... I'm always fighting...
But for what...?

I think I'm gonna zip myself for this thread, anyone is welcome to reply to it. I just know I don't make sense and that's my problem. I don't let things out of my being and let people know how I really feel (Because I know I'm only letting out a fiber of my problems on here)... or that is how I see it. Maybe no one can really understand me....?

No matter, thank you for trying. I'm sorry for the trouble, I'm especially not worth the time to help.
   
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