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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
jamdoughnut Offline
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I dont feel right - July 24th 2015, 03:48 PM

Whats wrong with me? Someone please tell me because one moment im fine and than the next im not. Its like half the time i cant feel anything at all, and the other half im pained. Im so tired of all of this, its so exhausting. I feel like nothing is real anymore, like nobody else has any sincere love for anybody but themselves, nobody has any genuine faith in anything. And im so different from everybody else, i cant really be myself anywhere, because im constantly being judged for it, even in my own home.

I feel like i cant trust anybody, because everytime i start to trust someone even a little they turn around and hurt me. My parents do this, and some of my best friends do this. I cant even be around my brother, hes done this so many times. I wish i could tell him to get out of my life, to leave me alone because every time he opens his mouth its some sort of insult directed towords me and i just cant take it anymore. I wish i had told him years ago but i couldnt. No matter what i said no matter what i did it couldnt stop him from hurting me and i couldnt take it and i snapped. A part of me died when that happened, and i havent been the same since.

I really am stupid, because i actually believed the lies that he told me (and i still do). He made me hate myself, and worse, my mom backed him up. She said that it was my fault, that it was just pety for me to even try to fight back, that i should apologize. Bullshit. I was hurt so badly that i didnt even remember who i was, or how to even be myself. I started cutting because of him.
I just stopped talking because i was so scared of people judging me. And this happened right befor the sixth grade, and the one person who i thought was my friend abandoned me when i needed her most. I spent my entire sixth grade year alone, and mostly suicidal. Probably the worst time of my life.

and even after all of this, he still wont stop. He still is constantly hurting me and i still cant do anything about it. I dont even know if he knows what hes done. I try to forgive him, i want to forgive him, but no matter how hard i try i just cant bring myself to do it. He is still my brother, and i still love him, even if he doesnt love me.

But their words are poison. I dont even want to get up and try again because everytime i do they drag me back down to that place and again, its exhausting. And they keep me in this house all day everyday. I have a friend who lives down the street from me, but i havent talked to him in at least four years because they wont let me out.(just to give you a clue.) This house is not my home. Its killing me and i have no way out of here. Only my friends know what im dealing with and they dont even know what to do anymore.

I just dont feel right inside. I want nothing more than to be happy again, but its like i dont deserve it, like this SH is my self punishment and i wont let myself be happy. I dont know anymore. I just wish i could go home to the father. I wish everything would just go back to the way things were befor. I have a year befor he leaves to college, and four more years till im out of high school, but can i hold on until then? I feel like im trapped. I just want all of his to stop, and than maybe i could be truly happy again.

sorry this rant turned out to be longer than i expected. Thanks for listening.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I dont feel right - July 24th 2015, 05:39 PM

Your family/home situation sounds unfortunate. Is there perhaps another family member you could stay with, or even a friend? If not, it may be an idea to have a talk with your parents and explain to them that you need to get out of the house once in a while to be with friends, etc. I hope things improve soon. Best wishes.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I dont feel right - July 24th 2015, 10:54 PM

Hi, Jamari.

I'm really sorry about your life at home. The way you're being treated sounds really hurtful and I wish I could help you in someway. I am glad you reached out here though. I hope that writing out how you feel and what's going on in your life helped you a little so that you have a place to express yourself. There's nothing wrong with you, there's so many things that can contribute to how we feel; life circumstances, life events, hormones, diet, sleep, health issues, chemical imbalances etc. Or many of those things just blended together.

Understandably, your home life is what seems to be affecting you a lot. While that may be the main part of how you feel, maintaining a healthy diet, sleep schedule and exercise can play a big role in helping you feel better. Taking care of yourself in simple and general ways in really important, you know? Don't forget to spoil yourself as well! Set days during the week where you relax and treat yourself to things that make you happy. Such as doing your hair, nails and relaxing with a favorite TV show or movie with a snack/hot beverage etc. Perhaps you could treat yourself to something nice instead when you feel like self-harming. I know you feel like you do, but you don't deserve to be punishing yourself. You deserve kindness, so try treating yourself with kindness when possible.

Sounds like the root of a lot of your struggles is your brother, though. He's treated you so wrong because a brother is supposed to stick up for his sister and protect her - not the other way around. I just want to assure you that what he says to you isn't true. I know that hearing such negative things from him so often must be extremely hurtful and make it difficult for you to believe anything otherwise. You have a lot of beauty and a caring, faithful spirit all on your own and that's something he can't take away from you, okay? I haven't been in your shoes, but you're obviously a strong person to have been through this for so long, so I want to remind you to keep holding on as he'll be off to college in a year, you said? You can do this. And throughout all of this, we're here for you with support and a listening ear. You can vent and talk about how you're feeling because we do care. You don't have to go through this alone.

Your mom seems to only be seeing your brother's side and disregarding yours. Do you think it would help to sit down with your mom when she's not busy, and the two of you are alone so you can express your side of the story? You have a voice and a side so you're allowed to voice that, you have a right to and I hope your mom will listen. Talk to her calmly and have a heart to heart, explain how this is making you feel and that you feel like no one will listen to your side. I know it must feel really scary especially after being told that you were being petty when you tried to talk to her in the past, but it might help to approach her in different ways, you know? Communication can be extremely effective if you're able to get through to that person. Perhaps you could even write out what you wanna say ahead of time so you can think about how you wanna word it? On the note of talking to someone, is there anyone at school you can reach out to? Such as a trusted teacher, coach or counselor for example. Are there any family members you could speak to as well? Reaching out for guidance and support can be really beneficial.

Not being able to trust is understandable when others often betray that trust, but not everyone will do the same. You can begin getting back trust but sharing small things leading up to the bigger things just to ensure that the person is trustworthy. Having your friend abandon you when you need her most must have been really difficult and also having your trust broken a lot by your best friends, I'm sorry that happened. Do you think it'd help to try and make new friends? I know that can't be easy especially with the bad experiences you have but not everyone is the same. I bet you'll make true friends in time. Have you tried joining clubs or groups at school to meet others with common interests? Sure, some people are judgmental but not all of them will be. And there will be people who appreciate you for exactly who you are and that you can be yourself around, that you can trust as well. Those are the friends you deserve, just as you deserve happiness too.

Can I ask why you aren't able to go outside, especially to go see your friend you haven't seen in so long? Is it your family not allowing you out, or is it just wanting to stay inside all the time due to feeling so badly over everything? You should be able to go see your friend, I really hope you can because having an old friend in your life could be a happy and good change for you.

Other people's judgments can have a big impact on us, but what truly matters is how we see and treat ourselves. Considering your home situation and the words being told to you, I can see how things could be incredibly hard for you so I am really sorry you're going through this. But keep reminding yourself that the words being told to you by your brother are not true. You're a really sweet and caring girl, Jamari. You've proved that and proved him wrong because even though your brother hasn't treated you well, you still love him as a brother and are trying to forgive him. That's a wonderful thing as forgiveness is powerful and I believe God smiles on the spirit you have. He loves you and wants you to continue holding on. He knows you can do this because He knows you're strong enough. Keep fighting because you can do this, alright?

Not sure if this helped and sorry that it's so long, but I really hope it did help in someway. Message me if you need someone to talk to. Take care, Jamari.

Last edited by DeletedAccount11; July 24th 2015 at 11:10 PM.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: I dont feel right - July 25th 2015, 07:31 PM

i think its best to ignore criticism. Those are words that are mostly based on other people's perceptions, insecurities and temper. If you have faith in yourself and you know that you're more than what they think you are, that's good enough Jamari Never ever take anything too seriously or too harshly. Those words can be advice , and can also teach you what not to say to people. You are your own person, and nothing can ever take that away from you... and it will never be taken away from you.

You might want to consider living away from your brother, and away from anything that is hurtful or laced with betrayal. Make a SAFE, fresh start and never ever stop believing. Don't ever punish yourself because the world can be severe enough without you yourself being your enemy. Make YOU your friend. Make you your boost, and make you a power and convince and let yourself know that you deserve better than to beat yourself up. That's the truth because i think you're good, powerful , nice and sweet. You're loved and you should be!

Dreams do come true, and i know that you're destined for something more. Stay strong!

It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.

rant to me if there's anything!



As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
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