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AeonycRiot Offline
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Name: Alex
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Location: Florida

Posts: 7
Join Date: March 25th 2014

Cognitive Dissonance is killing me - August 6th 2015, 12:51 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for almost a year now. I started seeing a therapist and taking some anti-depressant medication back in February, and for most of the summer, I felt fine. But lately I've been reminded of all the reasons why I became depressed in the first place, and I'm starting to feel like I'm at my wit's end.

To make a long story short, back when I was a young child, my parents spoiled me like crazy and I became a very self-absorbed and intolerant brat. So when I was about 12 or 13, I had an experience in which I ended up pushing away and losing most of my only friends(Almost all of which I knew from playing online games), and at that point I realized how selfish I was. So I sort of made a pact with myself to try to be a better person and to be as selfless as I possibly could.

Fast forward to last year, and I'd been doing pretty good as far as being that better person I wanted to be. But then things started happening. I got into college, I started dating(which I had never done much of in high school), and I started getting involved in drama. And my old habits of being selfish and impulsive started coming back. I basically have been calling this my "ugly" side. Normally I try to be as polite and respectful to strangers as I can, and I try to be nothing but loving, caring, and courteous to my friends and family. But at certain times, when I somehow get really angry or irritated with a person, or when we begin talking about a subject that I feel very strongly about, my mind just throws courtesy and respect out the window and I impulsively say whatever I feel like.This has lead to me hurting a lot of my friends with insensitive words, and I'm really starting to hate myself for it. For years, I've wanted nothing more than to be a gentle, gracious, accepting/tolerant person, but when I get like this I can be so...so very nasty and ugly towards people. It's the exact opposite of who I want to be.

For those of you that don't know, cognitive dissonance is a state of mind(Though not necessarily a mental illness) where your actions are inconsistent with your attitude or beliefs. And this has been getting to be for the longest time now. I WANT to treat my friends and family with love and respect, yet somehow I can't keep the impulsive side of me from acting rude and mean even though I know it's wrong. For months I've felt out of control, like a time bomb waiting to go off. Each time I make a new friend I feel like I'm only waiting for the inevitable to happen. For some opinionated argument or heated discussion to cause me to lose my cool and snap at them, and begin shoving my opinions and ideals in their face. I've gotten to the point where I feel nothing but hatred for myself because I've either lost my friends or damaged my friendships by hurting them with my words. I can't exactly bring myself to commit suicide but I've been wanting to for a very long time. I'm simply waiting out my days until I can finally build up the guts to do it, I can't even bring myself to look forward to anything in life anymore. I'm just afraid I'll screw it up in some way, like I do with all my friendships.

My latest catastrophe is what's sent my over the edge, I think. I made two friends on DeviantArt a while back, and I'd been talking to them and playing online games with them for a while now. However, in the past few weeks, I somehow got into the habit of being extremely defensive and touchy with them. I snapped back at the slightest sign of sarcasm or sassy attitude from them. I'd start opinionated arguments with them despite them not wanting to talk about it. I'd say hurtful things out of irritation or anger. And when they finally decided to confront me about it, they said they were extremely disappointed in me. My kind and gentle nature when I was being my normal self was completely invalidated by the fact that I acted so angry and insensitive in the more heated situations. They said that until I change my ways, they will have ZERO respect for me. No matter how "nice" I act normally, my bad side was just something they couldn't overlook. One of those two friends even talked to her boyfriend about it, and when he read some of the arguments between us, he felt the need to message me on facebook and basically say that even though he doesn't know me, he already thinks that I'm an arrogant jerk, that my actions and words were completely unacceptable, and that I'm irresponsible for screwing up my relationship with two amazing friends. And as mean as he was about it, I knew he was right. The day after that confrontation happened, I realized that I just repeated the same cycle as I used to. The cycle of meeting new people, trying to be a good friend to them and get closer with them, only to end up destroying the relationship. I knew that there was no possible way I could change my ways, or keep my impulsiveness from striking again. I knew that if I stayed friends with those two girls and I tried to make things right, I would only cause more damage. So I sent both of them the sincerest apology & goodbye message I could, and cut contact. Neither of them have bothered trying to get me to come back. I felt it was for the best, but nonetheless, the experience has reminded me that even after all these years, I'm still failing to be any better of a person.

I'm at the point where the way I think and feel about myself, and about others, is hard-wired into my brain. I can't stop hating myself for what I've done, and what I'm afraid that I'll do in the future. Whenever I do something wrong and hurt someone I care about, their forgiveness doesn't seem to change anything. Even if they specifically tell me that they're willing to forgive and forget, or start over with me and let me make things right again, my mind for some reason still thinks that the person will never think of me the same way again. That I've left a permanent mark on their mind that will never be forgotten. And that's all I can ever think about.

I'm not the person I want to be. I want to be kind and selfless, yet I'm naturally selfish and impulsive. I'm hurting the people I care about most. I can't help but want to be gone already. I'm always the bad guy, always the villain, yet I look for attention because I want to be the victim instead. I want to be right, I want people on my side. I can't stand that way of thinking, but it just seems to be part of who I am now. Like I said, it's hard-wired into my brain.

I'm tired of being on the defensive, tired of being the one at fault, and tired of hurting and shoving away my friends while being unable to fix anything. I can't stop thinking about my own death, because right now, it feels like that's the only thing that can break this cycle of hate, angst, and negativity.
I'm not entirely sure if anyone else understands this feeling of self-loathing, but regardless, if you read all of this, then I'm thankful. I just wanted to vent and get all of this off my chest. If anyone has some insight, I'd appreciate it.
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cognitive, dissonance, killing

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