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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
WyeOak Offline
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A clustered mess - September 14th 2015, 11:40 PM

Hey, so I'm seventeen and just started college last week. I'm studying a course I was really looking forward to doing, something I didn't think I'd get. It was supposed to be the turning point for me and the moment where I feel like things aren't actually as bad and that maybe I'm doing well for myself but that hasn't happened.

I've never been diagnosed with depression mainly because I try hide it, and while I'm reluctant to self diagnose I do feel like I have it. Over the years I would have weeks where I would want nothing to do with anyone, where I'd lack motivation and where I'd think an awful lot about running away or killing myself, knowing I wouldn't have the courage to do either or the will. None of my friends know about these times, sometimes they might pick up and notice something is off but I'd chalk it up to being tired or whatever, we're a close knit group of guys but in the same breath it's also the kind of group where it's weird for our topics to be about how we feel or anything outside jokes and arguments.

It's because of this that I feel as though my problems are a bit exaggerated in my own head. First off, I lack self-confidence and self-esteem. I hate how I look and especially how I act; I'm an introvert but I always wished to be more social and meet more people and being at college now is kind of showing me that I'm not very good at that. I can introduce myself and hold small talk but I immediately let the conversation fizzle out and I feel like I leave a bad impression. I'm not a very emotive person, I'm too self-conscious to act outgoing and I try to stay somewhat reserved which translates into being boring I suppose. All this makes me feel as though I'm incredibly unlikeable and uninteresting. Secondly, I feel incredibly alone. I'm bisexual but would lean heavily towards guys; I find it difficult to find other gay/bisexual guys to relate to. Any gay guy I've ever known has essentially been a stereotype, and it's a little disheartening. For the past three years though I've been in a long distance relationship, (which I know some people wouldn't really consider a relationship and is understandable) but lately that's felt like it's been dying down. I was hoping to meet him next summer, but things between us have been lackluster for the past few months mainly because it seems like he never has time for me anymore. That's a whole other thing though, I just felt it was worth mentioning. Finally, I feel out of place. I don't feel like I've ever met anyone who really gets me, my best friends are wonderful but 90% of our conversations are dumb inside jokes, never anything serious or legitimate, if you were an outsider listening in you'd probably have no idea what's happening. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it makes me feel as though the only friendships I can form are based on humour and that I, as a person, isn't all that great. I feel as though I naturally push people away even if I don't intend to. And this on top of uncontrollable feelings of angst and upset and everything else is getting to be too much. I've been able to keep it down for the past 2 or 3 years but it's been coming up again and I guess that's why I'm here. Having read back over this, it makes me think it's one big mess, even written out it doesn't feel any more clearer and I think there are more reasons I haven't noticed or that I've been trying to ignore.

Since coming to college I've also been thrown in the deep end essentially. I'm living on my own away from home, something I never thought I'd do, granted I go home on weekends, and I'm also going to a college where I know no one. I'm in a class of thirty one and twenty nine are women, and this is kind of intimidating to me mainly because a majority of my friends growing up have always been guys so I find it difficult to speak to women as a result, which I know sounds bizarre. None the less I'm kind of proud of myself for being able to keep this up, and for being able to atleast try socialize with these people, yet my self-confidence is still at a horribly low level.

Thank you for reading and for any responses.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: A clustered mess - September 25th 2015, 05:08 PM

Hey Shan

Firstly, I want to say it's great that you've found some positives. Depression is a horrible thing, and it helps to hold onto the positives in life if you can.

You've only just started college. I know it sounds cliched but it will get better. It takes time to get used to a new thing. It might still turn out to be a great thing for your life. Hopefully you'll keep enjoying your course as well, because that helps.

It's difficult making friends if you're shy or have low self esteem, and depression makes it even harder, but stick with it. If you spend more time around women you'll begin to find it easier to talk to them, they're not actually that different, especially if you find people with smiilar interests. Does your college run any extra curricular clubs? If you take part in an activity you're interested in, it gives you a conversation topic to talk about with other people there. A lot of colleges also have a gay straight alliance or lgbt club. You might find more people there, if that's something you're interested in.

I'd also recommend that you try to see some form of counselor. Often colleges have their own. It can help to talk through your feelings with someone, especially if that's something you struggle to do with friends, and if it is depression that you're experiencing, counselling can help. Your doctor can also give advice on mental health conditions and might be able to help you out.

Take care


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Re: A clustered mess - September 26th 2015, 12:58 PM

Don't lose hope! I know that line's been to cliche-ish already but it's one of the things one should recommend at this time. Think of the things you still want to do, the things that make you go on as you live every day. I'm not a bisexual(but my best friend is) but I do know how you feel about the opposite sex. I find it hard to talk with guys too since I grew up without much guy friends but I sometimes try to make an effort to reach out to them. It doesn't hurt since I only did that to guys whom I think wouldn't judge me because I'm uninteresting and too quiet. Hope my message helps!
   
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Re: A clustered mess - September 26th 2015, 04:21 PM

I agree with what the rest of the people say over here. You're someone who has so much in store for him , and you shouldn't let your insecurity about you being you prevent you from seeing what's so good about you. You're nice, you're faithful, and i'm sure that someone like you is hard to meet because you're nice and understanding. Don't ever think you aren't worth any effort, because you are.

There are people who like the limelight, and there are those who're quietly away from the limelight so that they can focus on other things. But all of them have something in common: All of you have your special qualities. Nothing can take that away from you because you're special.

oh, and all the gay people i know are awesome. stay strong. You can overcome this.


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You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: A clustered mess - September 27th 2015, 10:46 PM

Thank you all for the replies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HeavyDirtySoul View Post
Hey Shan

Firstly, I want to say it's great that you've found some positives. Depression is a horrible thing, and it helps to hold onto the positives in life if you can.

You've only just started college. I know it sounds cliched but it will get better. It takes time to get used to a new thing. It might still turn out to be a great thing for your life. Hopefully you'll keep enjoying your course as well, because that helps.

It's difficult making friends if you're shy or have low self esteem, and depression makes it even harder, but stick with it. If you spend more time around women you'll begin to find it easier to talk to them, they're not actually that different, especially if you find people with smiilar interests. Does your college run any extra curricular clubs? If you take part in an activity you're interested in, it gives you a conversation topic to talk about with other people there. A lot of colleges also have a gay straight alliance or lgbt club. You might find more people there, if that's something you're interested in.

I'd also recommend that you try to see some form of counselor. Often colleges have their own. It can help to talk through your feelings with someone, especially if that's something you struggle to do with friends, and if it is depression that you're experiencing, counselling can help. Your doctor can also give advice on mental health conditions and might be able to help you out.

Take care
Yeah, my college has quite a few societies and such, I signed up to a couple that start this week. The problem I have there however is I'm in one of the most demanding courses in the college which is basically 9-5 every day and it clashes with some of the societies. I'm still hoping to make the most of it though.

I also have a problem with counseling. I've never been diagnosed with depression and I would hate to lightly fling the term around because I know how insulting it can sound to someone who does genuinely suffer from it and I just don't know if I'm not good at dealing with my emotions or whether it's something serious. I wouldn't know what to say to a counseller or whether they'd think I'm just being overdramatic. That's a reason why I've never spoken about this to my friends or family, I don't think they'd believe me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ellacia View Post
Don't lose hope! I know that line's been to cliche-ish already but it's one of the things one should recommend at this time. Think of the things you still want to do, the things that make you go on as you live every day. I'm not a bisexual(but my best friend is) but I do know how you feel about the opposite sex. I find it hard to talk with guys too since I grew up without much guy friends but I sometimes try to make an effort to reach out to them. It doesn't hurt since I only did that to guys whom I think wouldn't judge me because I'm uninteresting and too quiet. Hope my message helps!
Haha, the opposite sex can always be a little strange to everyone in some way I think. I don't think there's anything wrong with being reserved and quiet but at the same time it seems people think there's something odd about it so I understand. And it certainly does, thank you for taking the time to reply, nice avatar by the way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Yoshi View Post
I agree with what the rest of the people say over here. You're someone who has so much in store for him , and you shouldn't let your insecurity about you being you prevent you from seeing what's so good about you. You're nice, you're faithful, and i'm sure that someone like you is hard to meet because you're nice and understanding. Don't ever think you aren't worth any effort, because you are.

There are people who like the limelight, and there are those who're quietly away from the limelight so that they can focus on other things. But all of them have something in common: All of you have your special qualities. Nothing can take that away from you because you're special.

oh, and all the gay people i know are awesome. stay strong. You can overcome this.
Thank you for your kind words, it was nice to read that, I'm certainly trying to get by!
   
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