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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Seahawks Offline
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Exclamation Trapped by my own thoughts, Don't feel okay anymore. - October 6th 2015, 05:13 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hello. I am Zach. I am a 17 year old male. I am currently a senior in high school, sorry if this is really long.

Lets start 3 years ago, when most of my problems began to occur. So i will start with this: i am an extremely negative and pessimistic person. I will look for any BAD reason not to take a chance. Its not that i WANT this to happen, but because its how i have become to be this way. 3 years ago, i started looking into relationships. My freshman year in high school for me was about getting to know the school, and seeing how a year went for me. So, sophomore year i thought "why not start looking into relationships?" However, i have never had a girlfriend before this, actually i never really talked to ANY girls at all. So when it came time, i decided that everyone would only reject me, and i should not bother with the idea of dating. Well, then i discovered chat apps, and local dating apps. I knew going into this, that it would never work, and i would only end up getting hurt myself. After hearing all the stuff about online dating i figured "i will just get hurt and never see the person" and well, i was right. I tried dating MANY girls online and NONE of them worked and ended up making me feel even MORE rejected than i did before. So, in short, i have never had a REAL girlfriend before, and i haven't even taken a girl to a dance. Online i got hurt a lot, i deserved it, as online dating is stupid, however i got very mean in the end and starting hurting others hearts online as well. So i quit. The only relationship i almost had was a girl at my school, and we got along really well, really liked each other, i asked her out to a dance she said yes, but then no, and stopped talking to me a day later. For no reason. So i don't bother dating anymore, i dont really expect relationships to last. This contributes to many of the issues i have now, which idek what to call them because i have spiraled out of control and i feel like i dont even know myself anymore, but i will talk about that more later.

Next i will talk about the worst hell i have gone through. And I'm going to come out and say this, its masturbation. Please, for the love of god don't say "its healthy". Because its defintely f***ing NOT. It may be for others, great but for me it makes me lose everything i care about, and feel suicidal. Why? I have NO clue. Everyone else does it and feels fine, but when i do it, i feel guilt, incredible guilt to the point i can't even focus on simple everyday tasks. I feel tired, to the point i have no self esteem, no motivation to do anything, and just plain lazy. I also get a terrible attitude problem, and i just start being MEAN. Incredibly rude and mean. The WORST part about masturbation is the after affect of me losing all interest in things i love and enjoy. Yes. It makes me feel totally depressed, and forces me to find other things to like cause one is "tainted" from masturbating. Idk. Its like a satanic sex ritual for me. If i had to keep doing this, i would rather die. Lets say sports for example, If im watching football and i love a certain team, after masturbation i have to change teams and find a new one, when i know my heart belongs to the REAL one. Its awful. Pornography only makes it WORSE. What a disgusting sex traffiking horrible thing porn is. Just awful. Women should not be shown like that. I have respect for girls, and want to be the best guy i can be for them. However i contradict that with my "PMO" Porn,Masturbation,Orgasm issue. I need to stop this crap soon before it ends badly.

Now lets get to how im feeling right now. I used to know exactly who i wanted to be. Now, i dont know anymore. I have seriously lost all control of my life and mind. My thoughts go off and tell me "im gay" when i never have been and have always liked girls, or "your a pedo" or "go die" or "you have no friends" or some dumb crap that makes no sense. Yet my mind survives off these negative thoughts and obsess over them, making it nearly impossible to focus on everyday common things that need to be taken care of. I can't even finish homework anymore. I cant do work. I have no activity. No motivation, whatsoever, and feel as if i am trapped literally behind a wall, which i cannot break through. I cry all the time and tense up and scratch myself and punch walls.... i cant take this anymore. I dont even dream anymore when i sleep. I dont FEEL anymore. I just feel empty, worse than i ever have. I feel so bad for the past and everything i just want to change, but it is nearly impossible.. help me please i actually feel like i am dying. What is wrong with me :'-(
   
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Re: Trapped by my own thoughts, Don't feel okay anymore. - October 6th 2015, 06:18 PM

Hello zach. I can see that you're sorta thinking about things the wrong way, and that there are certain principles that needs to be changed. Firstly, there's no reason to criticize yourself and look down upon the person you are. You are someone with potential to care, you're someone with the ability to think about things and look at the situation from the other person's point of view (you wanting to be the best guy for girls proves it ) But from what i can tell, you're taking your failures too harshly, and you need to be easy on yourself. learn from your mistakes, and slowly approach girls again. Every man deserves to be together with someone, and every man deserves to be happy , and not have to think about how he is, and always consider about whether you're a good person.

It is also not my place to talk too much about issues like masturbating, porn, and pmo. But from opinions that I've found, these things are issues and activities that plenty of guys and girls undertake while growing up. So if i were you and if you don't feel good getting into any of these activities, feel free to distract yourself with something else. I suggest playing sports. They're healthy, they're good for your self-esteem and they'll also help you to relax and take your mind off the constant cycle of self-criticism.

And whatever sexuality you end up being, and who you are, one thing's for sure. You are definitely a nice person who doesn't stop caring about girls, and you are someone who doesn't want to be a bad, bad person. And i find that really respectable.

Be proud of yourself. You deserve to feel better than you currently do, and i want to make sure that things are okay for you. You can beat this.. you know you'll always have us. We aren't going anywhere.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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David Armes Offline
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Re: Trapped by my own thoughts, Don't feel okay anymore. - October 20th 2015, 12:06 PM

Hi

Well done for reporting it. That is right.

Work with the teams on TeanHelp and you will get better

You are not going to die Zach, trust yourself...

David


David Armes

always happy to help

keep positive
   
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