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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PorcelainDollAmethystEyes .
Not a n00b
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Name: Kianna Libra Blue
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: The Mundane World.

Posts: 53
Join Date: October 7th 2011

Beginning to Crack - October 7th 2015, 12:23 PM

I just...don't know what to do or how to handle this anymore.

Lately, there are so many changes and no much disappoint and unhappiness in life, I'd honestly close to loosing it. Everything is falling apart, literally coming undone at the seams. I've been trying so hard to muster what motivation I can and do what I need to do. I go through the motions, getting chores done and helping out when needed. Trying to be there for my Mother when she falls apart or needs someone to talk to, be a helper bee for my Aunt who needs an extra set of hands, attempt to get along with my younger brother who has become so uncouth and rude no matter what I do, I am so close to throwing something at him. But its not enough, never enough.
They expect more and more from me when I am so close to breaking and releasing my anger on someone who either deserves it or doesn't. Mother is so controlling, honestly driving me up the wall that I want to scream and tell her to shut up and deal with it. And my brother is always so mean and more often than not treats me like crap or disrepects our Mother despite the fact the man who was supposed to be our father has just abandoned us outright and broke her heart.
I'm done. So done with all this crap and want to torch it and walk away. I'm so close to ripping up all that I've written and stop trying to focus on the book I want to write. And I've asked a couple of friends to visit, people who I've counted on in the past to come and spend a month here. I need HELP. One who swore up and down she would get her ass here, has promised for YEARS she would be there for me absolutely refuses to visit. All I ask is someone to help relieve some of the burden so I'm not the complete punching bag of my family. Every day my brother gets on me for the littlest mistake, not once taking in account that I am unable aware of my surroundings for long. He ridicules me, makes me feel like I'm nothing. And Mother either cares about not being alone or being in control of the whole entire enchilada, not realizing her daughter is close to losing it bad. The only person who really sees my worsening condition is my Aunt, and is trying hard to help me and keep a handle on things. But she has a brain injury, weakens easily, and it not strong enough to really weather the hurricane that is this so called family. I've literally bad an episode not too long ago where I did not get out of bed for the ENTIRE day. I slept through the whole thing because I was severely depressed.
I'm tired, close to tears and want it all to fucking stop. Nothing is working, Mom and brother can't pull their head's out of their asses for one moment to come together for one damn family meeting. And I'm just not capable of making them do it, being the responsible one. I've sacrificed six years to taking care of her while she was sick and depressed, while my brother went out and worked at a fast food place to help pay the bills back in Texas.
Now we're here in Oregon, she's stronger and sending the night at a girlfriend's house. My brother has a fairly serious girlfriend. While I'm stuck at home with nothing much for entertainment other than writing and gaming and internet. No closer to finishing school or having a bloody licence. And the thing is, I don't care. I don't fucking care because I'm done. There is no point, absolutely no point. Other than volunteering at the local library once a week, there's nothing. I don't have any other human contact with the outside world because I on live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. And I don't know how to change, how to get passed this hirdle. I've been taking care of Mother and being one of the only friends she needs, I don't know how else to live.
I hate myself, hate the lazy, depressed no good for nothing I'm becoming. As I said, I want to change but don't know how to.

Thanks for reading this...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
The screwdriverneedsgas!
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Name: carwithnogas
Gender: Male
Location: Cute Dinosaur Island!

Posts: 1,870
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Join Date: January 13th 2011

Re: Beginning to Crack - October 7th 2015, 03:31 PM

I think it would be good for you if you took up hobbies which enable calm, focused interaction with others. You could join something like a literature club, and other things that could enable you to enjoy the situation, as well as to help you think about other things besides your current situation. But what i know is that no matter how bad things seem to be, they'll eventually get better.

And if some people don't seem to know how to appreciate you, make new friends who will appreciate and care about you. There's no point trying to overthink things when you can just wait for the right time, when there's people who're just right for you waiting for you outside. And with a positive outlook, things will get better. I know that there's plenty of other things for you to do. You could get into many different kinds of interests like singing, creating a diary, helping people out, doing charity work, and helping people out. Variety is the best spice to your day.

And you're very welcome you know that we'll always be around, right? We'll always be. I know that things seem tough for now, and some people will always do nothing but say bad things about you. However, what i do know is that those people don't matter. Those who matter will support you and help you overcome everything there is.

You deserve better than to feel how you currently feel. And you definitely will get happier, more wholesome experiences. Please Pm me and talk to me anytime. I want to help you out cause you deserve to be so much happier.

It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.

rant to me if there's anything!



As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.

Last edited by Green Yoshi; October 8th 2015 at 12:50 PM.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Beginning to Crack - October 7th 2015, 09:16 PM

Hi, Kianna!

You seem to be under a bit of stress with a lot of things so no wonder you're feeling like this. I just want you to know that everyone needs a break at some point. It's okay for you to take a step back and take time for yourself. You will drive yourself crazy if you are constantly having to do something for someone else and deal with the stress of it. Helping out your family is a wonderful thing and of course I encourage you to do so, I just think you should have time for yourself as well where you do things that you enjoy and things that make you happy. It doesn't even have to be a hobby, just something that relaxes you. Go for a walk, watch your favorite TV series/movie, have your favorite hot beverage etc. Let yourself unwind a bit. What might also help is to have a way to express yourself. I see that you've already been immersed in writing as you're writing a book, but have you tried other creative outlets as well? Getting your emotions out and finding relaxation/distraction is helpful, you can try out painting, drawing, poetry, crafts, music etc. Simply journaling can be therapeutic as it allows you to vent out all your thoughts, feelings and frustrations.

This may seem obvious but have you spoken to your family about all of this? Communication can go a long ways and significantly improve an otherwise bad situation. Let your brother know that you want to spend time with him but explain what things he does that frustrates you and clearly state that you'd appreciate if he would try not to do those things. I'm sorry that your father left. I may be wrong but do you think his anger and the way he treats you and your mother is a result from your father leaving? Your brother might still be (understandably) angry about that and this is how he's showing it as he doesn't know any other way to express it. As for your mother, have you approached her and explained to her just how unhappy you are with the way life is? You're allowed to voice your feelings and wishes for changes. You have done a lot for your family apparently, so you're allowed to want something too especially when you feel so unhappy with the way things are.

Living on a ranch and being isolated most of the time while dealing with the issues in your home life sounds incredibly difficult. No wonder you're so depressed. Can I ask why you're having trouble getting your license? Having your license is a big step towards independence as you could then go from there and get a job, meet new people and simply be able to get away on some days which is good because everyone needs a breather every once in awhile. Are you having a hard time with school right now? Is there anyone who can help you with it? There are teachers that most likely would not mind helping you out with school-related things you're having trouble with.

Your book has probably meant a lot to you. It is a compilation of your ideas, imagination and it comes from you. Allowing you to write, express and build a story. So honestly, I think your book is something you really need right now especially. Continue working on it rather than ripping it up. I'm sure you will be so proud of yourself for finishing this book because you created it. Writing and getting immersed in the story could be a helpful way to get away from all the stress you're feeling right now as well. I'm curious about your book by the way. What type of story is it? How long have you been working on it?

The fact that you have been so helpful to your family in a lot of ways despite how they treat you, the way you've held on and have found interests and distractions throughout your difficulties with being in an isolated area shows a lot of strength. This must be incredibly difficult for you, Kianna. I really am sorry you have to go through this but I want to remind you there's always hope. Even though you feel so done with the way everything is, life never stays the same which makes way for new changes - positive changes. One day you will have a break from all the stress and will be able to go out there in the world. To finish school, to get your license and get a job and make some new friends. You just can't give up now. You've been holding on for such a long time and you know what? All of your effort will be worth it. Life is full of ups and downs, the ups are definitely worth living for so just keep pushing forward.

Not sure if this helped but I hope it did and I also hope things look up for you soon. You're welcome to PM me anytime. I don't mind listening! Stay strong.
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