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Trastamara Offline
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Post Long presentation of my problems - December 7th 2015, 02:41 PM

Hello, everybody. I feel like down right now, pondering suicide, so I decided to talk to someone.Hi.
I am a 17 year old who lives in Eastern Europe. Please excuse any of my grammar/logical mistakes, English is not my native language and I am pretty nervous right now.
Until I was nine my 2 uncles, brother, father, mother, grandparents and I lived in a 3 room flat. My parents+brother and I lived in one small room, but it didn't affect me too much. What hurt me was the fact that my grandpa used to come just about every night drunk and start screaming his lungs out. We had a death metal concert almost every night, many times prolonged in the morning. Whenever my grandmother couldn't stand seeing her husband screaming alone she joined him, so sometimes we had a duo of shouting and rambling about what my mother did, or how my father couldn't do something, or about me and my brother.
As every other normal, innocent child I started going to school when I was six. I was small and pale, and soon I became the favourite target of seventh grader who was twice my size and age. There was both physical and verbal aggresion, but I never told anyone about it. I just came home sobbing as the manly seven year old I was, trying to hold my tears back so I don't look like a wuss. Anyway, my parents tried to see what was wrong, but my teacher couldn't care less about me, even though I was the only kid who came there knowing how to read and count.(I learned that alone. In kindergarden we had a big thing on the wall with the alphabet and numbers on it which intrigued me so much I ended up learning how to read, write and count before I was 6. I didn't play much so I lost time by doing that.) My teacher just disliked children.
When I was nine I got transfered to another school and my parents (+brother) and I moved out. It was amazing, since I wasn't bullied daily anymore and alot of stress was lifted off my parents backs. I made some friends, but I only one good friend remained after I entered highschool. He's in Spain now, so I can't call him whenever I want to talk or anything, but it's better for him.
I ended up in the harshest highschool in my city, which of course isn't necessarily a bad thing. I made friends pretty fast, but I began skipping classes and ended up not going whole days. I started smoking (cigarettes). It's not seen as a really bad thing in my country, and I mostly started because most of my role models smoked ( the woman who used to be my "nanny", who's actualy an university teacher, a very intelligent priest who I respect deeply and a former politician who now died). I never did drugs like cocaine/heroine.
Anyway, I started highschool and everything went downhill. For a part of it I blame adolescence and hormones. But I started realising how much of an unattractive person I am. Both physically and mentally. I got rejected alot, had bad grades, and argued with my parents alot. Not really argued, since I just stood there and felt like an horrible person. I knew that I needed to stop skipping school and most of the family related problems would go away, and I knew that my problem with girls wasn't important. I managed to get over it. Going to church really helped me get in a different state of mind, it always cleared my thoughts and made me take good decisions.
In september I began 11th grade at a different class, because I had problems with one of my teachers. I found it amazingly hard to integrate so I started skipping classes again. I went from ok to bad to horrible. Then, I started not going at all. My mother found out and had a talk with me. She was crying, knowing that I took a wrong path again. She told me she has cancer, and I'm the only one who knows. That just shattered me. I realised I was only aggravating the situation and I should change. I started going to school again, but I feel so miserable I just start pondering suicide. I've cut in the past and I began doing it again.
I used to read alot. Now I don't have the energy to constantly do that. I love doing it, but I can't get myself to start a new book. I can't even go to church anymore, since I just start crying in shame on the way, and I can't go like that. I don't know what I am going to do with my life. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need. I've got a big crush, but it's impossible for anything to happen. Every thing I do is either wrong, sub par or futile. I hate myself. I feel like everything stacks up and then I remember about my mother's condition and about the fact that my father is sad almost all the time and I am contributing. I brother is number one at history in our country (he is one year older), accepted at different universities and then there's me. I am not jealous of him, I actually love him and would do anything if he needed it, but some of my parent's frustrations caused by me hury him. I just don't do anybody any good and I can't see why I should go on.
I am sorry for my whimpering, sorry it was so long, but I needed to tell someone. Hope somebody reads this. Thanks!
   
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Re: Long presentation of my problems - December 7th 2015, 03:27 PM

Give yourself a pat on the back because you successfully managed to tell someone about your problems, which is a huge step. and i'm sorry about your mom... i hope things work out for her

Hello I see that you've made mistakes, and you feel guilty.. but mistakes are just one part of growing up. Learning from them is what matters Everyone has committed some sort of wrongdoing that they'd rather not talk about. But your brother is writing his own story. You can write your own. You can be as awesome or even more awesome than your brother because everyone has their own distinct capabilities, their own special abilities that only they have.

You, for example.. are really strong and powerful at heart. It takes a lot to go through all of that and still think properly and positively .

You can make your own path.. and i think that there's plenty of possibilities for you. You could try out other activities such as singing, choir and sports in order to go back along the healthy path again.. and i know that you're willing to do that. Don't even carry the burden anymore.. the burden's in the past. Who you are now .. is someone

who wants to fly into the bright, bright future with no worries , filled with enthusiasm to impress and show the world what he can do.

You've been through so much. You're so strong... there's so many positives about you that you yourself don't even know about yet. But don't ever doubt yourself. Believe . Even if one day, things might not go so well, still believe in yourself. Because you're worth it, and you'll make your mark on the world You can make so many people happy, and i bet that someone out there is waiting for someone like you to make things better for her. It might or might not be your current crush, but the fact is that you're destined for happiness.

You're better than you think you are. a LOT better. And we'll help you realize your dreams. Pm me anytime!


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: Long presentation of my problems - December 9th 2015, 05:47 AM

Hi there and welcome to TeenHelp!

Don't be nervous because your grammar and english is good, especially since it isn't your first language. Secondly, I am sorry for what you have been through, and how you currently feel. However, you took a big but positive step posting here and it must have taken a lot of courage because opening up isn't normally easy to do. Well done for doing so! While I don't have a lot of advice (and I apologize for that), I just want to say that I read all of this. Please don't apologize because I didn't see this as "whimpering". You simply opened up about what has happened and the length is helpful in a lot of cases because it provides clarification.

You were bullied at a very young age. You shouldn't have been expected to "be a man" by anyone so of course you are allowed to cry, and you are allowed to cry now. The stereotype that men shouldn't cry upsets me because both males and females are human which means they will have feelings, therefore, both should be allowed to express those feelings and are certainly entitled to them. Plus, crying is healthy because it naturally relieves stress. Don't be afraid to do so!

Bullying must have impacted your self esteem in some way. Would it help to slowly ease yourself into seeing the positives about yourself? Both physically and personality-wise. Focus on one thing you like about yourself, then focus on another and go from there. I imagine you have a lot of qualities that many would appreciate but it can be hard to see them yourself. Speaking of, you seem like a kind person for being happy for your friend. Even though he moved away and you can't speak to him, you're happy because it's better for him now. He's lucky to have a caring friend like you.

In the meantime, I recommend continuing to go to church. You stated how church helped you a lot in the past, so please don't let your mistakes stop you now. Honestly, it could help a great deal to talk to the pastor and members of the church about what you are battling. I doubt they'd judge you, but rather just try to help you because you sound like a person who just needs understanding and support. Everybody makes mistakes, and God knows that. The majority of people know that. It doesn't mean you are less of a person, but it's important to learn from those mistakes and realize you don't have to be perfect to be a good person, you know? God is forgiving and He loves you.

You likely do a whole lot of good you do not realize. For example, you brother is lucky to have you and I bet you contribute to a lot of the positives in your family life. Your brother knows you're there for him, and your mother finds enough comfort and trust in you to open up about her diagnosis. Along with that, I believe we all make huge huge, impacts in ways we do not have a second thought about later on. Simply smiling at a stranger could brighten their day, holding the door for a stranger with two handfuls of groceries could prevent a mess that'd be the final straw of their horrible day. You never know the impact you could have by simple things, even simply listening to someone if they need to talk. It could mean the world to them. I'm willing to bet you matter a whole lot more than you feel you do.

You have a lot of time to figure out what you want out of life. Create goals, find things you are passionate towards, make a list of places you want to visit etc. Who knows? Perhaps what you are passionate about will become a career for you. For example, you enjoy books a lot, so have you considered writing books? Look for careers in what you enjoy and go from there. You have all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do in your life, and you don't have to figure it out all in one night. Just don't give up in the meantime even if it feels pointless at the time. Things have a way of clicking into place when you least expect them to.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Is she receiving treatment? You don't have to answer that if you aren't comfortable, but I just wanted to say I hope that she recovers and I'll keep her in my thoughts and prayers. I know things are so hard for you right now, but hold on, okay? There's a lot more to life than all the difficult things that are happening, and how you are feeling. There are a lot of great things in life worth living for. You can get through this, so don't give up.
   
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