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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Evanesco Offline
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I 'don't present as depressed' - February 6th 2016, 02:08 PM

I went for a psych evaluation. On the 'Beck depression inventory' (which was a form I filled in for her) I scored as having severe clinical depression. I know that this kind of thing isn't a diagnosis in itself but I answered it very honestly. I have self harmed for years, attempted suicide multiple times and given up many activities I love because I feel so depressed. But in the letter the psych sent me she said that I 'don't present as depressed'. I am very confused by this. I am on medication, which helps. But I have spent the past three weeks in a depressed fog unable to do anything I love, failing a module in my degree, planning suicide, drinking alcohol to try and feel better, crying, hating myself... I feel desperate and yet I don't 'present as depressed'. I have felt like this for years. Am I making it all up? Am I actually fine? Is this normal? Does everyone feel this hopeless?

I know that I put on a mask when I am out. I've had to learn to do this. For years at home I was told off for having inappropriate emotions, and inappropriate responses to things. So I have built up this mask that is very difficult for me to take off, where I smile and talk animatedly and hold back my tears and meltdowns until I'm on my own. After the evaluation I went home and cried, my disordered eating was triggered and I spent a week struggling with that more than usual before getting slightly back on track, and I felt incredibly hopeless and alone and lost. Is it the mask that's caused the disparity in the results? Or is this normal? I can't work it out, but I feel disgusted in myself that I'm acting like this if I'm not really depressed, when there are people out there with real depression and real mental health problems.


Join the Skeleton Clique on TH
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RIP Granddad Terry. I'll miss you.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 6th 2016, 04:37 PM

Harri,

Are you able to get another opinion? I have no idea why she said you weren't. Is there a way you can talk to her and ask?

It took me about 7 psychiatrists before I found the one that has actually helped me. For the last four, I kept telling them "this feels like more than depression - there's something else going on". Nobody listened. Finally, this psych listened and I've been diagnosed Bipolar and feel I am finally being treated appropriately.

I'm not a professional, so I cannot say for sure. But it does sound like depression to me.

Who prescribed the meds?

Also, do not feel you are 'pretending' or anything of the like! You feel how you feel. Before I was diagnosed Bipolar, I thought I was an awful person because I continuously pushed my husband away. Thankfully, he knew my habits and wouldn't let it bother him. But I thought maybe I was just sick and enjoyed it? Maybe I did it for attention?

But none of those sounded right. I hated the conflict. And the attention was awful because it was us fighting. I felt crazy. But now it all makes sense with the diagnosis.

If you ever want to talk one-on-one, feel free to message me. I hope you know you're an awesome person (I kind of stalked your replies to other people). You also deserve help so I highly recommend another opinion.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Evanesco Offline
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 6th 2016, 06:47 PM

Thanks for your reply.

My GP prescribed the meds. She thought I was depressed. The psychologist seems to think differently.

I find it very difficult to read my own emotions, but the feelings of dispair and pain and sadness are so strong even I can tell what they are. Sometimes I feel 'better' but it's not really better, I wouldn't call it mania (I looked it up and I don't think it's as much as mania) but it's not happy. I always say I'm not happy, I'm hyper. So one day I'm at rock bottom, the next I'm 'hyper', a week I'm low, the next I'm hyper again. Recently I've been more low than not. It's very confusing. My emotions confuse me, which makes me feel worse.


Join the Skeleton Clique on TH
Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you - you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: The trip of a lifetime!

Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless.
RIP Granddad Terry. I'll miss you.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 6th 2016, 07:12 PM

There is something called 'hypomania' which is a lesser form of mania. Often times you can be severely depressed yet very hyper or active or have racing thoughts. This is hypomania. This does not mean you have Bipolar, however. Hypomania and mania can be the result of medications.

Also, let me know if I'm wrong. When I've felt where I feel 'better' but not actually happy, I explain it to my psych as this.

I feel stable, but not really in a good place. My mood is stable, so that's good. However, I'm still below being 'content' or 'happy'.

Do your moods switch daily or weekly?

I've only recently learned how to identify how I am feeling. For years I spent it saying I was overwhelmed because I couldn't figure out how I felt. I'm only able to know now because the meds I am on are working. I can now identify when I am sad, depressed, content, happy, manic, etc.

Don't lose hope! You may have to find several doctors before finding the one that works best with you. But there are people out there who truly want to help. You just have to find patience while searching for them.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 7th 2016, 10:19 AM

Hello Harrison

I think that you aren't actually depressed.. but the guilt of it all, the fact that you think you might be lying to others might be the true source of you feeling down. But the fact is that if you look past it all and realize that we've all fallen.. we've all felt like this before... then it's much easier to overcome it all. Another factor that comes into play is the fact that you mask your emotions, which means that you don't let anyone know about your problems and also try to deal with all of it by yourself. However, that's not the way to go

You need more outlets. The real source of your negative feelings is that you're feeling trapped in a cage of your own making, and the sooner you believe in yourself, the faster you can get out of it because the key to that cage is courage and confidence.

These sort of emotions can lead to you feeling stressed out, which might lead to that "Mania" behavior you're describing. There's just a rush of activity and you feel like you need to be doing many things at once to keep up with your current demands.

But it doesn't have to be this way because you can rant to us, be helped by us and let people know how you're feeling. If you get told off for being who you are in the past, then that's not your fault. I know that you deserve to be you, and you don't need to hide it all.

I and we encourage you to be you because you'll be able to enjoy life more that way. Also, I'll always be here if you want someone to rant to or just need a friend


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Evanesco Offline
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 21st 2016, 01:59 AM

Yeah no it's over a week later and I am definitely depressed. I'm on suicide watch right now. My friend is taking me to the doctor on Monday. I don't know what to do tomorrow, it's not open and I really don't want to go to a and e. I want to feel happy again :/


Join the Skeleton Clique on TH
Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you - you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: The trip of a lifetime!

Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless.
RIP Granddad Terry. I'll miss you.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 21st 2016, 06:52 AM



I think it's better for you if you spent your time learning something new, like music.. or some kind of activity that allows some kind of emotional release. The more things you're into, the better you'll find the situation to be because you'll be jumping from one liked activity to another, and its these transitions that allow you to gain motivation. From motivation comes happiness. It's better to take it slowly but surely, and build up your self-confidence and your belief in yourself. It's these elements that are the true counter for depression and sadness, and are also the catalyst for happiness and good memories.

Perhaps free time can be something good for you because you'll get to try new things out, so look at this as a new beginning, rather than fearing free time. I do get where you're coming from, though.. sometimes worrying too much can be a problem. Might as well spend the time that you would have used to worry and overthink things for other more productive, happy activities!


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Evanesco Offline
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 21st 2016, 02:20 PM

I've surrounded myself with things I like. And games and colouring and books. I can't focus on anything I just want to be dead. I don't know what else to try.


Join the Skeleton Clique on TH
Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you - you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: The trip of a lifetime!

Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless.
RIP Granddad Terry. I'll miss you.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 21st 2016, 03:30 PM

Then it's time to try new things . A little bit of adventure and positive experiences will change things. And no matter what you do, don't doubt yourself and just believe. stay safe, too .. and remember that no matter what bad times come to pass... you'll be able to overcome all of them! Perhaps hiking, skateboarding or some beach activities would help too !

And most of all, you could try ranting to me more often.. that would help get things off your chest too!


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Evanesco Offline
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 21st 2016, 05:06 PM

I'm physically disabled There's no way I'm gonna be hiking or skateboarding any time soon. I can barely leave my house.. This is one of the reasons life doesn't feel worth living anymore.


Join the Skeleton Clique on TH
Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you - you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past. Aliens from the future. The day the Earth died in a ball of flame. It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: The trip of a lifetime!

Don't trust a perfect person and don't trust a song that's flawless.
RIP Granddad Terry. I'll miss you.
   
  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I 'don't present as depressed' - February 21st 2016, 08:43 PM

There are many hobbies you can try that don't require physical exertion. Not to say you haven't, or that you would, indeed, enjoy them. Writing, jewelry making, pottery making (there are beginner kits for a relatively inexpensive price), baking or cooking (you can do while using a chair or wheelchair, depending on your kitchen setup), sewing or knitting, learning a new language, etc.

While I was recovering from surgery for almost 6 months and was unable to be out of bed, I set up a pretty thorough schedule to follow for myself with different hobbies. It felt good to have a schedule.

The end of this last year, I had become so depressed that I literally could not get out of bed. My husband had to help me to the bathroom for weeks. I ended up in the hospital and since being out, I've again set up a schedule for myself to keep busy. It helps keep my mind off things.

I'm not able to work right now and have only one local friend and no local family. So I'm often in my home for weeks at a time. Setting up the schedule or even just basics, like meals and walking my dog, as well as household chores, has helped me feel a bit more purpose.

I'm soon going to be adding in some of the hobbies I mentioned in my first paragraph.

Anyway, Harri, if you want to talk more, keep posting or PM me. We're here for you!
   
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