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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
lossforwords Offline
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Exclamation WHAT TO DO - May 18th 2016, 10:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I honestly feel like I have no way out in this world other than my own death. Ive had depression since i was 12-13 and although I've dismissed it for two years as just general teen sadness, it was only at 15 that I had a nervous breakdown. Because of this and the fact I attended a small school where news travelled fast, I decided to move school so that I won't end up getting pitied, shamed and talked about. It felt right as I needed a fresh new start to get my life in order and to figure out my issues. It worked for a bit but I ended up having a problem with one of my classes, which didn't really help with my mental health recovery and instead I just collapsed mentally and physically, refusing to attend my classes. Because of this, I basicaly had a "break" before being admitted in a special school for students suffering with health issues. I spent nearly a year on that school, whose aim was to get their students back in their own respective schools. I struggled however it was at my own pace and I didnt feel rushed or dumb for once, despite the fact I was waaaaay slower in learning than I was before. At the end of that year, my plan was to definitely get myself back to my school and start the new year anew. I thought I could be confident but after a term, I'm starting to have doubts. The classes I have chosen are all in sciences, and although I dropped physics due to the upcoming anxiety I felt, I am also starting to do so in chemistry and biology, which greatly upsets me as I do like the subjects. I have thought of dropping those two but the idea of that upsets me but staying there feeling so dumb also upsets me. Everyone who's supporting me through my tough time says it's because I expect too much of myself but I don't think that's the case. I just want to understand the topic I'm studying and it's hard when I only have little time and I need a lot to complish one simple task. It's so hard dealing with both my anxiety and my depression because not only am I slow in my learning, I am also very self conscious of other people's opinion and despite hearing from other people to not care and just block out negative words, it's easier said than done and I'm constantly having a battle with myself. I also notice that the weather where I live doesn't seem to aid my emotions as it's constantly dreary, and I highly suspect that my depression gets worse during winter (from the past years I've noticed since having depression). I know I rambled too much but I really don't know what to do. Please help
   
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Re: WHAT TO DO - May 18th 2016, 12:34 PM

Try not to think about it too much, stay strong <3
   
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Re: WHAT TO DO - May 18th 2016, 04:14 PM

Hello!

Me too I have been depressed for around four years and it was only last year that I got diagnosed with depression, social anxiety and general anxiety, so I can definitely relate and I'm sorry you had to struggle for so long without really being able to reach out for help. That's always the first step and I'm very proud of you for accomplishing it!

Have you ever experienced trouble concentrating while trying to study at home or in class? Personally I find both of them difficult because in school there are people around who tend to talk a lot, making it hard to fully understand what the teacher is saying, and when I'm in my room it's easy to get distracted by dark thoughts. That's why I sometimes watch videos concerning the subject on Youtube or Khan Academy, which is an app filled with video content on all kinds of different subjects. Everything is explained in detail to make it possible for you to understand the concept without a lot of basic knowledge and at the end of every lesson there is a small test for you to check which parts you might still need to revise. I don't think you're dumb at all and you shouldn't ever give up on doing the things you like, not in school and not in life in general!

There's probably a reason for why your depression gets worse during the winter, which is that in winter there's less sunshine and sunshine is needed for the body to produce vitamin D and a lack of vitamin D in the blood makes it more likely for people to develop depression. Usually it's no problem to get your vitamin D levels checked with the help of a blood sample and if a lack becomes obvious you can take supplements that prevent deficiency. Of course it won't be the cure to your depression and it doesn't have a great impact on your feelings like anti-depressants might, but it's worth a try and could relieve some of the symptoms during the winter

I truly hope this could help you a little and you can PM me anytime if you ever want to talk!
   
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Re: WHAT TO DO - May 18th 2016, 10:10 PM

Thank you both so much for giving some advice.

I have watched Khan Academy videos and just generally searched for other helpful content online to help aid my learning, and it has helped to some extent. My only issue is that I think I took too much subjects for me to handle, especially since most of them are filled with too much content and the time spent on a certain part of the subject is too little for me to even start wrapping my head around the subject.

On another note, my chemistry teacher called last night on my phone (it used to be my mum's old number), maybe to ask about what's going about me or whatever-I homestly don't know because the moment he texted me saying that it was him, I had a panic attack. Before it hit, I quickly rushed to the bathroon and basically bawled my eyes out.

Now I haven't had a panic attack in nearly a year, which is great considering I'll often get triggered by little things that upset me but I've always managed it or just leave the scene entirely.

This time round-I actually can't. I'm in the middle of class- I cant just go up and leave when its too much because I have to give a reason to the teacher and people will talk.

My heartbeat after my panic attack just won't stop returning back to normal. I'm terrified, annoyed at myself and I honestly wish for my life to end. I just have no fight left in me, and although people say that you'll get through this, it's really hard when you have no fight left in you anymore.
   
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Re: WHAT TO DO - May 18th 2016, 10:43 PM

I see why you would get overworked with the subjects you took because from what I have experienced they are all very complex and it's easy to get lost as soon as you don't understand something and the next topic is based on that part. Is there any way for you to drop a subject or two in order to focus on the others more? You said that the idea upsets you, but you're obviously not happy with the situation and it would take some of that toxic pressure off of you

Until then it's important to remind yourself that school is not everything and your health should always be your main priority. It's okay to rest when you can't concentrate anymore and not do as well as expected when you're having a bad day. With mental health issues it's even more difficult to juggle all your duties and needs and no one will blame you if you drop a ball every once in a while. It seems like the idea of people talking really bothers you and it may sound hard to believe, but most of these people are probably worried about you more than anything else or confused by what's going on (just like your chemistry teacher). I'm almost positive they will leave you alone when they notice that you're not comfortable talking about it and even if they do come to the right conclusion, it won't influence their opinion of you in a negative way and they might actually be more understanding than you think.

It could really help to talk to a teacher you trust about your situation, not for them to pity you or anything but so that they can be considerate of you and you don't have to give an explanation every time you have to leave the room. I know it's hard and you can never be sure how people will react, but it will be worth it in the end and it's another step towards recovery

Also, not having a panic attack in nearly a year really is great and I'm very proud of you! It shows that you can get there again and I firmly believe that you will do just that eventually. Until then we're here to support you and so are the people around you
   
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Re: WHAT TO DO - May 19th 2016, 04:37 AM

First of all, I hate to hear that you are going through such a horrible situation. It's never easy feeling depressed and like the whole world is against you, I've been there so I know exactly how you feel. But allow me to share with you how I overcome an ugly situation, when you accept Jesus Christ into your life as your personal Savior and Lord, you begin to feel an atmosphere change, even though sometimes you will still go through troubles and trials, it gets easier to be able to overcome it. So overcoming depression was easy for me, because of one specific Bible verse that I had memorized growing up in my teen years and it says this: The Joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10) If there is anything I can do for you, please feel free to shoot me a message on here! Otherwise, I'll be praying for you and hope you have a blessed night!
   
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Re: WHAT TO DO - May 19th 2016, 06:12 AM

Reading the newest comments have helped put a smile on my face, and to be a bit more proactive

I just emailed my guidance counsellow about telling my teachers about my situation. Yes, it upsets me but I think I'll be more for upset if I don't pass through this school year. I've also emailed the social worker handling my case for ither alternatives to help me through this situation. I haven't heard back yet but hopefully it'll come into a doable solution. I think I just needed time to reflect on what actions will be best suited for me, without having to feel conscious about other people's opinions. I'll talk about it with my mother tonight so that she knows that I'm really serious about my education despite the fact I'm immensely struggling emotionally.

My mother has said that I should put my faith in Jesus Christ, and although easier said than done, having someone else say the exact words my mother said, makes me feel less troubled to do so. I will try to take in your advice, and hope that He will get me through this tough time in life.
   
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Re: WHAT TO DO - May 19th 2016, 07:49 AM

I'm very happy to hear you decided to take action and are feeling a little better! I believe it's only going to get better from there and even if you relapse again, people will be much more understanding and able to react appropriately

Emailing your guidance counsellor is a really good idea because you won't have to talk to every single teacher yourself and they might know different ways to handle your situation. It could be that some teachers will be less supportive than others, but in general they care more about your health than your grades as well and they will be more than happy to help you

Good luck and stay strong!
   
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