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Heathen Online
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Feelings following a suicide attempt - May 21st 2016, 10:13 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been struggling with depression on and off for about six months now. I was doing better for a couple of months earlier in the spring but the past few weeks have been particularly rough. I started self-harming again after refraining for a while. To make matters worse I had gone off my antidepressant a few weeks prior because I thought I was doing better but it turned out not to be the case. The depression kept getting worse and worse and I was hesitant to call my doctor. I was reluctant to go back on my medication and I was afraid if I called her she would insist on it.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore. On Tuesday night I tried to commit suicide. I probably would have been successful except I stopped myself in the middle of my attempt and called my girlfriend. She immediately came home and stayed with me while I called my doctor. My doctor put me back on my antidepressant, but at that point I didn't resist because, after all, I had almost killed myself. I've been taking the antidepressant for four days now and haven't noticed much improvement. The urges to commit suicide have mostly passed, probably because I'm in a lot of pain from the injuries incurred from trying to kill myself, and the urges to self-harm are lower, too, but they are still there. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

I'm posting this because I don't really know how to process what happened. I almost died. If I hadn't snapped out of my dissociated state and called my girlfriend I probably would have. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that I would never see her face again and I wasn't ready to let go of that, no matter how bad things were. I don't know how I feel about this. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, either. Only three people know. I'm afraid if I tell anyone they'll get unnecessarily worried or think I'm weak. I don't know how I feel about anything. I don't know how I feel about living. The feelings of hopelessness are still there. I don't know how I feel about dying. I don't know if I still want to or not. I just don't know anything. Everything is still so grey and I'm numb. I just feel lost.

How do I process this? Even more than that, how do I find the will to truly live again? I'm still alive but I feel absolutely dead inside. I want to be able to be happy again but I don't know how.

Any thoughts and suggestions are appreciated. Thanks. Also, before anyone worries, no, I am not going to attempt suicide again. I'm working with my treatment team on my depression; I just want the insight and opinions of others. Thank you.

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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Re: Feelings following a suicide attempt - May 21st 2016, 11:11 PM

I'm very very sorry you went through all that. You shouldn't feel ashamed of being perceived as "weak." There's more awareness about mental illnesses than ever and those who refuse to keep up are lost and not worth interacting with.

Hopefully it won't be too much longer until you can process what has happened. It seems like you are already rationally assessing the situation.

It's never a good idea to get off meds, even if you feel better. You need to get the doctor's approval to do that first. Hopefully the meds will start kicking in again. Don't give up.
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