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Fanatic Offline
In Christ Alone ♥
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Name: Mary
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: In Wonderland ♥

Posts: 426
Blog Entries: 15
Join Date: February 8th 2010

Unhappy Another rant. - May 27th 2016, 12:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I feel like something is missing that's keeping me from being fulfilled or happy with my life. You can only distract yourself so long until you feel the reality of emptiness take hold of you. I'm not looking much for advice or any real help from this site, because I know people on here aren't professionals, but like medicine, it helps reliefs it temporary. This year has been a hectic ride for me dealing with getting a new job but end up hating it, feeling stressed to the point where my mind is in circles, and having to see the reality of life, the passing of loved ones. I'll still have to deal with it within 3 months from now, because someone close is dying from cancer. Also, a friend I known since high school had committed suicide recently. All this week I've tried so much to invest my time into distracting myself from the pain and have tried to deal my mom's and my sister's pains. Honestly, everything has been very hard these past 6 months. It's a dark time in my life where I've started going backwards to the person I was in elementary. Thinking nothing but suicide and hurting myself. Obsessed with my dark, negative thoughts and taking things out on myself. Doing inhalants/drugs. Wanting to indulge myself into having sex with someone, it doesn't matter who. Closing myself off from everyone and putting walls up. I know something's different because I have my friends from school but I don't want to tell them anything. I'm so tempted to just let my depression and suicidal thoughts roam and just let them destroy me. At this point, I don't even care if I fulfill my dreams as a concept artist. Sometimes it feels better if I just would kill myself and end all of this pain and false hope. I have already recently tried to kill myself on last Wednesday, so I feel like it might happen again.

"I'm not a piece of cake for you to just discard
While you walk away with the frosting of my heart
So I'm taking back what's mine, you'll miss
The slice of heaven that I gave to you last night
." - "Cake" by Melanie Martinez

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