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Jess~ Offline
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nothing has been going right - June 9th 2016, 07:59 AM

i'm not even sure if this is the right place to put this. i don't think i'm depressed or suicidal, i just don't happen to care about anything in life that i once cared about or have the slightest bit of hope for my future. c':

it seems like every single aspect of my life has just been on this constant spiral downwards.

-i really don't have friends anymore. my best friend isn't allowed to speak to me anymore because my parents gossiped to hers about things they found on my phone, and now i'm a "bad influence". and my other two close friends are dating each other, so i just third wheel every time we hang out.
i have acquaintance friends, but not ones that i'd feel comfortable just getting together with to hang out, nor would i really want to.

-my home life is shit. and then sometimes not shit. seriously they're so inconsistent and confusing... but everyone that i've told about the way my family acts (even people who came from really fucked up families.. like full of druggies and alcoholics and physical abuse) have told me that my family's fucked up and i need to get out.

-i'm honestly just so lonely and desperate for attention, it's pathetic. i'd probably suck any of my guy friend's dicks if they brought it up. i'm just so fucking sick of being alone and not having anyone who i can even pretend cares about me.

-i wish i was never fucked raped also. which is probably my fault for being such a whore for male attention anyway. but guys have always treated me as "just the friend with benefits" anyway... even before, when i actually had standards and thought i would one day get an actual, loving relationship. if that's all they want me for, what else am i supposed to do? just blindly wait for my prince charming to come, and not get any action?

-because if i do happen to mess around with someone, i get called a hoe and a slut. but if i don't do anything, even though i'm not even a virgin, thanks to my rapist, i get called one and a prude and just looked down upon in general.

-i can't even do anything i used to love doing. i suck at art now. my writing has gone to complete and utter shit. i'm just so discouraged in myself, because my poetry absolutely sucks ass, and i know i'll never be as good as some of the other amazing writers out there. my poetry is retarded and i hate that i can't make it sound good. i've never even been good at anything, it feels like.

-all i really want is for someone to love me. i wish there was someone who actually wanted to break through my walls, and find out why i even have walls and masks, and then take the time to get through those barriers. i wish someone cared enough to stay up late on the phone with me, without making me feel like shit. i just wish there was someone who would see me as something more than just a body they can put their dick in or more than just a fucked up rape victim. i wish there was somebody who could reassure me that i'm not a mistake and that my life does have a purpose.

above all, i'm just really fucking lonely and i can't stand it.

edit: i just realized that at some point while writing this, i started crying. i have no idea when, but that's another thing. i could be laughing at a joke or just minding my own business and all of a sudden i just realize i'm sobbing for no fucking reason.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
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TheAtomicBlade Offline
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Re: nothing has been going right - June 9th 2016, 09:09 AM

I'm sorry to hear that. The rape wasn't your fault. Wanting attention doesn't mean that guy had the right to rape you.
Next, I think the people who judge you are assholes. THey are obnoxious and clearly not sensitive to you.
About your family, i dont think you can do much till you go to uni. Sorry.
And friends, I know i dont live near you or anything, but I can try to be an online friend if it helps.
Hope i helped a bit
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