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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy I can't Even... - June 14th 2016, 02:22 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Learned helplessness has set in full force and I can feel myself giving up. Between the disability that I've been told "doesn't exist" after it destroyed my entire life, dealing with the fact that it destroyed my entire life, the depression and anxiety I already had because of it, and the fact that it will never go away, I'm done. The only way to fix learned helplessness is to counter it with evidence, but all the evidence I have works in it's favor, not mine which only makes it worse; including the fact that I can't even get hired a Target to stock shelves at 4 AM (how much competition for that could there possibly be)

I'm out of people to reach out to, they all gave up trying or just stopped responding, and I can't trust anybody to save my life so reaching out is too much of a risk even if there was someone because if the help didn't help I couldn't handle it and I've been burned literally EVERY TIME I've tried it. A professional is out for now because sitting on the other side of the couch so to speak is still too painful, not to mention everything that program put me through soured me on the profession as a whole, and my only two experiences as a client went wrong (once in middle school with someone in training who I'm pretty sure now messed up her ethics), and the psychologist I was convinced to see during the program who told me the disability that was destroying my life "isn't real because it's not in the DSM, but if it ever becomes real, you probably have it." I'm too fragile to go through that again.

I would consider medication, but I'd have to change doctors first because Medicaid put me with some random person that's located nowhere near me, and the thought of anti-depressant side effects and having to do trial and error on my brain chemistry is too much right now, the weight gain alone is enough to put me off since I've already gained XX (self-edited) pounds in the last 16 months and that was more than enough. I can't exercise without my inhaler (almost empty) and again, no doctor to refill it. It probably wouldn't take that long to get someone, but that's what I said with the eye drops that ended up taking 10 months to sort out when it should've taken like one at the most.

The only person I can think to try is the program coordinator from said program, but that would be out of pure desperation and lack of options. When he closes all of his emails with "If you need anything, let me know" I know he doesn't really mean it, and even if he did, I'm not his job, and there's nothing he can do anyway so I'm not going to risk my only professional connection from there by freaking out and dumping stuff on him. I don't even know why I'm posting this, there's nothing anybody here can do either. I give up.


Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte

Last edited by Kate*; June 14th 2016 at 02:49 AM.
   
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Re: I can't Even... - June 15th 2016, 02:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kate* View Post
Learned helplessness has set in full force and I can feel myself giving up. Between the disability that I've been told "doesn't exist" after it destroyed my entire life, dealing with the fact that it destroyed my entire life, the depression and anxiety I already had because of it, and the fact that it will never go away, I'm done. The only way to fix learned helplessness is to counter it with evidence, but all the evidence I have works in it's favor, not mine which only makes it worse; including the fact that I can't even get hired a Target to stock shelves at 4 AM (how much competition for that could there possibly be)

I'm out of people to reach out to, they all gave up trying or just stopped responding, and I can't trust anybody to save my life so reaching out is too much of a risk even if there was someone because if the help didn't help I couldn't handle it and I've been burned literally EVERY TIME I've tried it. A professional is out for now because sitting on the other side of the couch so to speak is still too painful, not to mention everything that program put me through soured me on the profession as a whole, and my only two experiences as a client went wrong (once in middle school with someone in training who I'm pretty sure now messed up her ethics), and the psychologist I was convinced to see during the program who told me the disability that was destroying my life "isn't real because it's not in the DSM, but if it ever becomes real, you probably have it." I'm too fragile to go through that again.

I would consider medication, but I'd have to change doctors first because Medicaid put me with some random person that's located nowhere near me, and the thought of anti-depressant side effects and having to do trial and error on my brain chemistry is too much right now, the weight gain alone is enough to put me off since I've already gained XX (self-edited) pounds in the last 16 months and that was more than enough. I can't exercise without my inhaler (almost empty) and again, no doctor to refill it. It probably wouldn't take that long to get someone, but that's what I said with the eye drops that ended up taking 10 months to sort out when it should've taken like one at the most.

The only person I can think to try is the program coordinator from said program, but that would be out of pure desperation and lack of options. When he closes all of his emails with "If you need anything, let me know" I know he doesn't really mean it, and even if he did, I'm not his job, and there's nothing he can do anyway so I'm not going to risk my only professional connection from there by freaking out and dumping stuff on him. I don't even know why I'm posting this, there's nothing anybody here can do either. I give up.


Hi Kate,
I just want to start out by saying thank you for sharing this, your story and all the previous times too. You've contributed to this site alot, I've seen your advice and it's really good. If there was a clear cut answer to your situation, I'm sure you would have thought about it by now. That's what's so hard about giving advice to someone who is good at giving advice to others. I just want you to know my heart goes out to you. Your situation is very tough. I wont pretend to have the answers. I can relate to an extent and may end up facing something similar in the near future.

I thought I can give some pointers that may or may not have been overlooked. I know you're probably immune to the cliche "it gets better" stuff.
How is your living situation right now? Do you absolutely need the job? Is it possible to live with your parents while volunteering or internships or the like? I know you've graduated college and it would feel like a downgrade to volunteer, but maybe that's something to look into. Not just any volunteer though. I think, since you have firsthand experience with disability and mental health and how the two intertwine, maybe you can join a kind of activism on that issue. Maybe it will lead up to a paying job.

Self-employment? It sounds like you dont fit the cookie cutter but from what I've seen you have excellent writing skills and there are jobs these days having to do with writing articles or another self-employed kind of job. Again, if getting a job at retail isn't necessary and you can jump around a little, maybe that's something you can do on the side.


Also, something I want to mention is Peer-specialist or working with a peer-based organization. A Peer Specialist is someone with lived experience of a mental health condition, disability, substance abuse etc and is valuable to individual's recovery process. There was one at the hospital when I was hospitalized and he came to speak to us as a group about his journey. It is a paid job too.

Peer-based organization (I think that's what they're called but I am not entirely sure) is an organization in which the staff are part of the population that the organization is serving. NAMI is an example of this-the staff members are either living with mental illness themselves and/or has a close family member who is or was. On that note, I personally found NAMI to be helpful and since you're living in the United States, there's likely to be a chapter in your state. Have you ever contacted them at all? They can help with all kinds of things including job searching assistance and the like and I think they work with those who have faced similar difficulties.

Like I said earlier, there's no clear cut answer and I wont pretend like there is but I want to stress that you're not alone in this. You've shown so much courage trying to face your challenges and that's very admirable. It sucks so much that our society emphasizes work, earning your living and all that, a specific kind of work. We are told that we are worthless if we dont work. We are told to get off foodstamps and public housing and go get a job. As if it's so easy.
There's many of us who don't fit into this narrow box. There are people with disabilities or living with mental illness, there are Veterans, there are single parents. You're not alone Kate, okay? People are slowly but surely becoming more aware, more inclusive but it's a fight for many of us. We are right behind you, rooting for you. I know how hard learned helplessness can be, but you're a survivor in this and your story is very moving. I think sharing your story can help others. I know it helped me.

Keep fighting, Kate.
   
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Re: I can't Even... - June 15th 2016, 09:01 PM

Is the job necessary? Yes and no. I've lived with and been financially dependent on my mom my whole life, she recently retired so she's supporting both of us with her savings until next year when she'll get social security. I'm also drowning in student loans from all of this that are rapidly approaching $60,000 and with my degree in psychology proving useless, the only thing to do is get a job and pay what I can, apply for disability (which I probably won't get) and then try to get it discharged after convincing them that I'm incapable of functioning in any capacity (which I never want to say about myself), or waiting until it's discharged at my death. I would like to be able to contribute something financially, but any money I get has to go to my loans. I will also probably need some kind of savings or retirement at some point so I need to make money to survive.

I'm unemployable because of the disability, not the mental health issues; those are secondary. It's basically incompatible with having a life and I'm convinced (whether true or not) after what I've been through that I'm never allowed near people because of the issues it causes with social skills.

It was actually documented in my file that clients would misinterpret what I was saying/doing and that that would cause psychological harm, though he seemed to understand that I would never harm anyone on purpose, it's something I can't control. It was also suggested (to my face, not in writing) that clients would kill themselves because I thought I knew everything, so I can't do anything related to dealing with other human beings, I will harm them, and there's nothing I can do about it. If I did contact the (now former) program coordinator about this it would be to clear this up. I know the thoughts are probably irrational, but licensed mental health professionals said them to my face and then forced me out of the profession because of them, so obviously they're true.


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LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte

Last edited by Kate*; June 15th 2016 at 11:46 PM.
   
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Re: I can't Even... - June 16th 2016, 12:34 PM

I typed out a long post but it got erased so bear with me while i try remembering everything.

I see what you're saying. You have debt and want to contribute financiallyfinancially. What makes you think you won't get disability though? Is it the fact that NVLD is not recognized by the DSM? Is it the fear of being overlooked and assumed to be high functioning and not in need? Or something else?

I know you said mental health conditions are secondary but people I know from my local NAMI chapter have primary conditions such as Aspergera, Autism, ADHD, dyslexia and the like. It is not uncommon in the mental health community for people to have developmental and/or learning disorders. NAMI helpline can give referrals to community organizations and chances are they know about NLVD or at least heard of it and would likely will not tell you it doesn't exist or any of that.

I am sorry that you've been told all this. And I understand the argument that a mental health professional said it, therefore it is true. But I also want to say that I've had licensed mental health professionals do VERY unprofessional things and created more psychological harm. And these were not in training, or just starting out in a field placmemt, these were fully graduated and practicing professionals without a superviser in the room. They make many mistakes and are arrogant about it too. I'm not saying to completely dismiss what you've been told, I'm just saying to be critical and question it because from where I'm standing these claims are very questionable.

I don't think it is fair to blame a client's suicidality on your "acting like you know everything" because this client came in with problems and while it is possible said client wasn't the right fit, you were one of the newer people in said client's life. In addition, who is to say said client doesn't have a learning or developmental disability them self? In which case, even the most normal social behaviors can be misinterpreted.

I have a very hard time believing you shouldn't be around people. You have strengths and can contribute to the world. You already have. Maybe it is a different set of problems, situations, weaknesses than a typical person. That's not a bad thing. Maybe it takes experimenting in finding a better fitting environment. But you can make it happen. Think back to a Tims when you felt like you were thriving. What were the conditions like? I was talking with someone yestersay-well I was crying actually, but saying how I feel unemployable because how socially awkward I am. How I feel so behind in social skills andeventually iI talked about the daycare I worked at and my face lit up because that was a place I thrived in. I left for different reasons. But there was unstructured playtime for kids, and a certain independence, a certain learning curve and those were all things that allowed me to perform well. In contrast to the costume shop, I was racing against time, have poor motor skills and messing up on sewing, getting the tasks confused, feeling pressured by the supervisor. Being told I'm so quiet and need to eat cake with everyone else, using tools from the shop to harm myself, getting lost when sent out to run an errand and freaking out, taking too long with making decisions etc the list goes on. I felt like this thing in the room that no one wanted around and just messes things up. There were repeated instances like this throughout my life and I start to lose sight of times when things did go well. You may not know the environment that allows you to thrive but don't give up in trying to figure it out.
   
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Re: I can't Even... - June 16th 2016, 05:59 PM

Almost 80% of claims are denied and I don't think I have enough of a case to win even if I was willing to fight all the way. My family would NEVER be okay with me being on it either. They decide things out of a book, I've never been in a book and I don't want to feel like this is my only option and then not get it because that would make me feel even worse.

I just don't get how people who act like that can get licensed and then disqualify me based on something I can't control while blaming me for the way they're treating me. It ruined my life and they got away with it consequence-free and can move on like nothing happened.

The suicide comment was made WAY before clients were ever seen by me, and that was a doc student who was granted a PhD. by them, you more or less know the rest of what I was told for years and then whenever I confronted them or went over their heads it was always "They have nothing bad to say about you" It made no sense whatsoever.

Honestly, I've never thrived. I've fought my whole life to have and be like everyone else and I just lost everything. 28 years of that feels like more than enough, especially considering it gets harder, not easier over time because the demand on the "broken" parts of our brain increases until we are neurologically incapable of keeping up and I think I'm at the age where I'm starting to really feel that.

Any time I'm interacting I feel disconnected in a way from the other person/people, which I thought was anxiety, but it's more than that and there's nothing I can do about it.


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