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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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I'm a mistake - July 15th 2016, 11:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm not here to bother anyone with a rant or anything, so don't worry. Just thinking (actually I know for a fact) I'm better off not around. I cause problems and trouble and ruin lives. I'm a bad person. No one can wants to be around me. I dont even want to be around me! And I'm not the only one who thinks I'm a loser.

I'm not in the mood to negotiate either. I have what I need to be out and want to use it. I tried hotlines more times than I can count and I'm tired of being in crisis almost every single day. I'm tired of stressing out people around me. I'm tired of being a problem whether I'm way too visible or too invisible. Either too aggressive or too soft. Either too loud or too quiet. There's always something wrong about me. It's like something everyone picks up on about me. That I'm inherently a bad person. I also see a therapist 2 times a week so I'm seeing a professional and I'm tired of the disapproval of my family when I try to take care of myself . Like I already struggle with that. Not like it matters. I don't matter.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 16th 2016, 03:55 AM

You're better off around, because you saved my life and I think that you're not a loser. You're someone who's far, far better than that. Also, I think that you're just fine being who you are. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. My parents too were too strict when I was younger, and I had to go through many, many traumatizing experiences and I nearly lost my life ( to myself ) twice. But what I know is that I got stronger from it, and I don't know how the future is going to be but I'm hoping for the best and I'm willing to make the best happen.

I just hope that I will be able to help you enjoy life and appreciate what life has to offer.... I do think that you need to like yourself more, and you deserve to be happy. I think that what you should do is know that you're a blessing, and that you're a miracle. If other people don't appreciate that, then thats their problem. That's their issue . You don't have to bother too much about it because you are awesome just the way you are.

P.S you're now one of my saviors... thanks.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



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You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 16th 2016, 10:12 PM

You're not a mistake, at all. I sincerely believe that everyone is here for a reason and has a purpose. Sometimes you just don't always know what that is, and sometimes it's very hard to figure it out.

It sucks that people are being nit-picky about how you are - just be you. I know that's easier said than done and it feels like you can never please anyone. Which is true. If we spend our whole lives thinking of how others see us or what they think of how we are we are going to be miserable. But honestly other people's opinion doesn't matter. Which I'm sure you've heard before.

You just have to keep putting one foot forward until you find those people who are happy with you just the way you are and not really bother with the ones who don't. Because we can't change people as hard as we try. They have to want to change, and sometimes they don't. But don't think that makes you a mistake at all.

What does your family disapprove of? You seeing a therapist and trying to do things to help yourself?

If so, that's pretty awful of them. I know my parents aren't very warm to the idea of me seeing a counselor and talking to people about things that bother me. They think I shouldn't do things like that, that help me. It's like they don't want me to get better. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't do those things. I know the saying "Your parents know what's best for you." In this case however, I don't think that's true. And it sucks. It sucks so much to feel like you're doing the wrong thing by trying to get better. But you just have to keep doing what you think is best despite their thoughts on it, because eventually, you're going to get better and you're going to be stronger and unfortunately that might not be with much of their help.

I hope this makes a little sense....I can see if it doesn't though

I'll be thinking of you and if you ever want to talk, I'm here!


"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 23rd 2016, 12:17 AM

It IS my issue because I get treated a certain way for how people feel about me. I have to live with that. I'm tired of it. My high school physics teacher used to say that he knows I'm struggling in his class but he appreciates my effort. He would tell me there are two ways to touch your right ear. You can use your right hand to touch your right ear-the easy way. OR you can bring your left hand all the way over your head and touch your right ear that way. Both get you the same result but there's an easier more efficient way to do things. I find myself constantly doing the slower way. And there will be those around me who are frustrated and angry with me that I dont already know the easier way as if it was some kind of standard that everyone picked up on except for me! So they may teach me to do one thing differently but I still have the mind of a slower person, and operate from the mind of a slower person. That's why I'll never be caught up to the program. My mind works differently and even with all the schooling and integrating into mainstream society, I still have some "residue" of the way I am. Also-things are often ambiguous and confusing and I end up with the burden of "should've could've would've" and I feel like I'm stuck because I thought I was doing what was asked and operating from a place of doing my best but mess up anyhow. I have examples of this from my work, but it's been this way for SO long, from so many different instances.

It just feels like there's this insider joke that's kept a secret that everyone knows about and everyone is referencing to each other and I see them but I dont really get the joke and it's never explained to me and it's like something communicated nonverbally...and I just like get the shorter end of the stick for not getting the "joke" and people notice there's something off about me, and that I'm not getting the joke like everyone else. But they dont tell me the joke, they keep it a secret but just punish me or run away from me when they realize I dont fit in because I dont get this joke-secret thing (I's just a metaphor here)

I tried explaining it to my therapist and I dont think he gets it. I dont think he gets why I feel like I'm less than everyone. Why I feel worthless. Why I feel like there's something missing and/or wrong about me, that i'm not a real human being. He says maybe I've been "targeted" for so long. And that it just snowballed from there and the thing people have been picking up on is that I've been targeted and that I'm easily pushed into the role they want me to be in, even when I try rebelling against that role that I end up returning to it from the pressures and the backlash I get so that makes me more of a target. MAYBE. But I feel like there's another reason people target me and want me in that position.There's something bad and wrong and disgusting about me. People are just picking up on something bad about me and reacting to it. They believe I should be punished and taken advantage of because I really do deserve it-so they're just doing what I deserve.

Yeah they disapprove of me seeing a therapist. They've said things like "you dont need one" and "you have no right to talk about me to other people", "what is said at home stays at home, you're not allowed to go off and just tell a random stranger things" and also "it doesnt even work", "there's no point", "you cant ask someone else to solve your problems for you, you have to take initiative and help yourself." "people who go to therapy are lazy and think it's a quick fix. You have to do more than just talk.", "they just do it for the money, at least when you tell friends they REALLY care about you and dont pretend to because it's their job."

Also, last Sunday-after being depressed for most of the weekend, I decided to see a friend very quickly as she was at a store nearby where I live. She knows about my SH problems and she basically kept questioning me then I broke down and she got really worried. She said she's never seen me freeze like that. Then she told her mother who was in the car that she's worried about me and her mother came out of the car and tried talking to me but I couldn't talk back and she asked me to not push her away, which I'm trying but it's hard. But then the next day, my father randomly made fun of this friend and her mother. He basically said that she's not a good mother because look at how her daughter is "fat" and stuff and doesn't eat healthy. She really put her down, I was so shocked and hurt! and he also interrupted me while I was talking to that friend on the phone by telling me he has to speak to me and then I told her I'd call her back, and then he told me all this! I was too upset to call back because I didnt want to tell her what I was told about her and her mother. But honestly, they've given me more emotional support in a couple of hours than he did through all years parenting me combined I was so shocked....I mean he does cook healthy food and that's good, I appreciate it but every family has strengths and weaknesses and you dont go saying someone is a bad parent or incompetent for one thing they struggle with. I know there are battles she's fighting that he could never imagine. I know it was almost a week ago but it still hurts. And then more stuff with her meeting my family because we were hanging out and they make fun of her and she has asperger's so she doesnt really pick up on it that easily and then at the end of it all, we go home together while my family stays behind and she tells me "your family seem like they're nice and understanding, why dont you tell them about your SH then?

Also she threw sand on me because I didn't tell her why I SH. And I mean like yeah she and her mom are supportive or I should say I can tell they're TRYING and seem like they care but I also dont let them in as much because they can also not be very understanding about certain things. And things that I'd rather keep secrets which they dont get because they are very open about their lives even to people they dont know too well. And there are certain things that I want from my father and/or sisters more than anyone else. They're not bad people. I love them and want a positive relationship and I hate how broken things are right now and have been for so long.






I don't know...I just want to die. I got something ready to SH myself with and started to but didnt do enough damage as much as I wanted to.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 23rd 2016, 10:38 AM

You've went through so much, And I do know that when something really goes badly, it usually results in negative circumstances and that results in some sort of bad thought that makes you think that you aren't good enough to be compared with other people. But the fact remains that you are good enough, and you don't have to be compared to other people in any way... you might be slow on the uptake in some departments, but in others you are perfectly prepared, perfect and I'm sure that you're a nicer person compared to lots of people. Don't beat yourself down.. you're at least like a hundred times better than you think you are, and I do think that you don't need to bring yourself down. Life already has enough ways to bring us down without anyone doing anything, but we can definitely overcome everything in our way. it's just that sometimes it doesn't feel like we can.

You don't deserve any of this negativity, and you really, really don't need to punish yourself for anything. If people pick on you, then thats their problem. I feel for them because they can't see just how perfect, just how awesome you are. If people downplay you, then they are discounting you and really just finding a way to make your day worse, probably out of jealousy or the need to feed their own ego. There's no reason to do that unless they have a bad heart, of if they just want something stupid to do in order to pass their time. No reason messing around with people like that.

I'm bad at giving advice right now because I kinda sorta have my own issues, but I'll try to help out as much as I can. You still need to see a therapist because you need an outlet to your problems, and you need to get advice for the problems that you're facing. Good news though.. we're here to help you too. What happened at home has to be told out to someone else.. otherwise you are just keeping things to yourself and thats bound to make things worse than they already are.

I know that sometimes things are broken, but when you need support and happiness, they can come in the most unlikely of forms. Just know that you deserve to be happy and that you deserve to smile.

Don't SH.. i recently tried to SH myself in a very bad way and I'm now paying the price. My whole body feels as if its been torn apart. I cant even really bend my neck properly anymore.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 27th 2016, 11:56 PM

I didn't go through anything bad. Nothing is even that bad. I just need to die already. Waiting for a day that I'm home alone to burn. In the meantime im planning on not eating anymore because I'm gross and disgusting and take up too much space and want to pretend like I don't exist because I shouldn't exist, but I do and I really shouldn't. I am also positive I don't deserve to eat because my family keeps putting food in the freezer and they know I can't eat frozen fruits (sensitive to cold) so they put ALL the grapes in the freezer and I think they're doing that to subtly hint that Im too worthless to eat. Then I feel like I have to eat from it anyway just to prove that I really am worth it but I know I'm not so then I feel guilty for eating something I didn't deserve (not to mention the physical discomfort of eating frozen fruits and frozen dried fruits that are really concentrated in sugar like raisins and dates) And I'm tired of a life that every action I do is statement to the people around me because of how I secure I am. I didn't even prove anything! I still feel worthless so I'm not going to eat anything to punish myself. Hate what I'm doing but hate myself even more.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 28th 2016, 04:19 AM

You're not disgusting, and something tells me that you're way better than you think you are. Give yourself a chance, you're better.. you're strong, and you're beautiful just how you are. I don't know why you think that way, but you should just know that life is something for all of us to savor, slowly but surely. The key is to eat healthily and eat whatever you want whenever you feel like you need it.

I sort of understand that self-hate , because part of me also hates myself very much right now, but I think that you deserve better than I do.

I'm just a betrayer whose promises mean nothing, but you're a sweet girl who's doing her best to make people feel happy and appreciated.

I know that you can beat whatever's in your way.. and I hope that better things are ahead for you. I know that you deserve better, and you'll experience happier things


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 28th 2016, 12:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Yoshi View Post
I'm just a betrayer whose promises mean nothing, but you're a sweet girl who's doing her best to make people feel happy and appreciated.
You're not allowed to put yourself down like that! It's definitely not making you feel better, if not making you feel worse. I feel so bad and confused. Why is this happening?

I wasn't trying to make this about who can bring themselves down the most....I know you're struggling a lot right now, so maybe this post is triggering to you or something? I don't know. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry.

I still feel disgusting about myself and I dont know how to reconcile that. People telling me "that's not true" is hard to just believe. Like there's no evidence. But I have ample evidence how and why I suck and deserve to be punished

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; July 28th 2016 at 12:53 PM.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 28th 2016, 02:58 PM

Nah, its nothing really This post is perfectly fine.. I was just just thinking bout that girl Thats just what that girl said about me. You'll never be able to bring me down I'll try to improve myself to become a better person :hug

This post wasn't triggering to me, its just that I wanna let you know that the you right now is probably a better friend than who I currently am.

You're not disgusting, and you'll never be disgusting. Frankly, we all have flaws.. but its how we make people happy and want to have a healing heart that matters. You're a really sweet person, you're really nice and you deserve better than to be made to feel the way you're currently feeling.

I'll be around for you!


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

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screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.

Last edited by Green Yoshi; July 28th 2016 at 03:18 PM.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 28th 2016, 05:08 PM

People make fun of me for being "soft" yet still benefit off my "softness" then I get angry when I feel like they're crossing my boundaries and people say they're "scared" of me for being angry. I cant deal with this. I am never going to matter in a positive way. It's either being invisible or being a big fat ugly problem that takes up TOO MUCH space.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - July 29th 2016, 12:20 AM

You definitely matter . But here's the thing. Some of them just wanna get under your skin and these people do not matter. You matter in a positive way, and if some people don't see that now, then its definitely their loss. You don't deserve to be treated like this and you deserve better than this.

Your hatred for yourself is quite deep... I don't think its reasonable for anyone to hate themselves this much. But here's the thing, if some people only know how to say bad things about you, then they really, really don't matter.

People who will appreciate you and care more about you are out there. And you deserve better than to be treated as if you're a tool.. you're a sweet girl who deserves sweet things.


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

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screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - August 10th 2016, 05:00 AM

Fuck, you sound close to figuring things out for yourself. That is good.

You remind me of me a few years back. I know what it's like and why you are confused.

Thanks for letting us know, not to worry :-), that was great.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - August 19th 2016, 04:17 PM

I'm not figuring things out. I'm just about to go to home depot to buy things to warm myself with and I'm not looking back. I just don't want to be here.

This week seems like such a waste. I did a lot to reach out and I am more upset and pained by some of these people (grown adults) and to be honest I'm fed up. It is like my only 2 options are reach out and run into more problems and things or don't reach out at all. I feel very alone in either instance.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - August 19th 2016, 04:20 PM

You're definitely not alone at all. We're here for you and you can count on us... and just know that while it might seem like every door is closed at the moment, the truth is that plenty of doors are open for you.

And im pretty sure that you're not a problem. Rather, you're someone who makes people's days better and I don't think anything anyone can say will ever change that.

You've got this in the bag so stay strong!


It's called a tunnel because there's ALWAYS a light at the end.



rant to me if there's anything!

http://www.teenhelp.org/private.php?do=newpm&u=27464

screwdriverneedsgas

As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - August 19th 2016, 04:23 PM

I'm not figuring things out. I'm just about to go to home depot to buy things to harm myself with and I'm not looking back. I just don't want to be here.

This week seems like such a waste. I did a lot to reach out and I am more upset and pained by some of these people (grown adults) and to be honest I'm fed up. It is like my only 2 options are reach out and run into more problems and things or don't reach out at all. I feel very alone in either instance.

I'm thankful for the few that were helpful this week but none of them were in any real position to help in s greater capacity. The ones who were in positions to help, were very unhelpful.

I'm quitting therapy. I cancelled already on the substitiute counselor till my regular one gets back. Then I'm terminating with him too. I regret reaching out. Im angry. No im furious and want to do something very extreme and drastic. Because I cared and I wish I didn't care.
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - August 21st 2016, 02:58 AM

Hey there Three_Blind_Mice, I am Isaac. From your post, you're just like me, the old self.

I'm currently 16 years old and I can tell you, pulling through this much is already an ACHIEVEMENT. This goes the same way for you No matter where are you at right now or what you are doing, being able to live daily is something not one can achieve easily. This is the first thing you have achieved in your life since the day you were born

When I was 12 years old, I hated everyone and got into trouble LOTS of times. I was named(particularly ugly pig), I was shoved by others for no reason, I was scolded by both my parents and teachers. I felt like a no-life and a loser. Just like you, I thought of commuting suicide and I didn't want any lectures or therapies to cure it because their "help" annoys me a lot when they want me to change my habit.

But one thing struck me when I continued with my useless life. At that time, I realised I could count on no one when I needed help. Everyone ignored me. I tried to find help but no one readily offers me any. But this was not the thing that changed me.

I asked myself. Do I want to lead a better life? Or do I want to continue being a dirt on the ground? And so, I tried to change fast, but it didn't work. So, I decided to take things slowly. I paced myself, from the simple act of smiling and greeting. This are the baby footsteps I realised that actually helped me to stop thinking that everyone hated me. Of course, you will get HATEFUL replies like "Are you trying to put on an act?" At this stage, I felt rejected but I DIDNT STOP. Everyday I greeted and smiled at my friends, my teachers and my parents. Slowly(really slowly), they started to change their view about me and replied with "Hey".

I know this may seem like it's the most difficult task. It may make you feel embarrassed if you do it, it may make you seem like a fool. But this is what I am going to tell you.

You just need 30 seconds of crazy courage and confidence to say hi and smile to anyone. Just 30 seconds. Don't think of their reply, don't think of being embarrassed, just spend that 30 seconds. I can promise you, this 30 seconds that you try every single time, you will realise that you receive a SMILE and I assure you what you get in return is SO MUCH MORE.

I'm not asking you to change entirely now, Three_Blind_Mice, but I am asking you to do just that very little bit, to just achieve something small that will get you so much more in return. You may not see the result at that point in time, but soon, you will see it And once you see it, I promise you, you will be happy like never before

Life GOES ON, and it won't change for you. I myself am struggling with my studies and I still face depression, but I never give up, because I ask myself this question.

"IF LIFE DOESNT CHANGE FOR YOU, WHY DONT YOU CHANGE IT?"

I hope this at least help you to live for a purpose No one in this world is being left alone as you will always have a friend that you may not realise is helping you daily, praying for you and wishing that you live your life happily!
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - September 3rd 2016, 02:23 PM

I tell my family good morning every morning. I have been there for them in times of need when no one else had been. I care so much and it hurts because I get all this hate in return. And then when I reach out outside my family, there is are mixed responses but the insensitive ones stick and keep stinging me over and over again.

If I feel suffocated by life, why should I put up with it? In that case death is the safer option and I want to feel safe. I want to stop living in fear. I want to stop living because living=extreme pain and distress and no hope
   
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Re: I'm a mistake - September 3rd 2016, 02:27 PM

Hey,
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Life is being really unfair. It sucks. I know. But think of it this way, there are a few people, maybe not many, who care about you. Think of what would happen to them if you hurt yourself?
I think you're an awesome person.
Life is hard right now, but it will get better.
PM if you'd like to chat.


PM me if you ever wanna talk. Send a message my way.
And remember, you matter. You're awesome. You're beautiful. Stay strong, the world will get better.

May The Force be With You.
   
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Please call that story back.

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Re: I'm a mistake - September 3rd 2016, 02:37 PM

What would happen if I hurt myself? I will be blamed and called selfish. That girl should stop being so timid and like talk to her family! Her family really loves her but they have a hard time expressing it. She should have "insert statement about how I should communicate better and how I'm inadequate and don't try hard enough"

Yeah because communicating is so simple when they actively ignore me minus the moments of yelling at me for wearing a jacket and causing everyone to feel too hot. Or to tell me I scare people away by my ugliness.

Oh and my favorite one is "she had a chemical imbalance in her brain. It wasn't her fault"
Yes it is my fault.

Why would I want to be a burden to others? Just breathing is a burden to people
   
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