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ΔNON Offline
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A New User's Rant - September 20th 2016, 06:57 AM

Hello

Never used one of these sites before so I don't know if this is just a place where angsty kids look for attention, or what I'm expecting to get from posting here, but I feel like I'm at the edge so I thought I'd give the internet a try.

Have been in a circle of fucking up repeatedly for four years now and it's taken it's toll. I have trouble sleeping and find myself laying in bed for hours thinking about all the negative things I've done and regrets I have. How I've never followed through on anything. How I've bullied people for many years of my life and been bullied for a few. How I'm convinced I'm attractive but feel anxiety every time I go out or think about going out in public, getting that pang in my chest whenever someone looks at me and I assume they're thinking something shitty. How I'm less than worthless and can't account for a single dollar to my name that is wholly mine, constantly borrowing and stealing to pay for my shitty habits with little to no repercussion. How I seem to have missed every opportunity presented to me, even beginning to think I'm subconsciously blocking some to continue my path of self destruction. How my shitty therapist told me the same bullshit for months about how I need to keep my room clean to be mentally healthy, and how he refused to medicate me. Starting to think my perception of reality is warped.

Anyway I gave myself an ultimatum earlier this year that if I don't make a big change by the time I'm 19 I'll end my self-feud un-creatively. I'm a couple months away now and I don't know whether to reach out to the same people that have already failed me or just kick the metaphorical stool out from underneath me now. Leave with my one suit on and a few notes written to my one friend I rarely see and the few family members of mine I'd care to say goodbye to.

Don't know what I'm expecting from this forum of strangers, or if I'll come back to see what I got from this forum of strangers, but here's my shitty rant. Going to try and sleep now.
   
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Re: A New User's Rant - September 25th 2016, 12:57 PM

Do you judge every random stranger that you see? I'm guessing no. Don't assume everyone is out to get you especially if you don't know them, most likely they didn't even notice you or your imperfections. As for everything else, I cant tell you what to do but I suggest looking for a job and breaking those unhealthy habits. Get a new therapist, the one you have now clearly isn't helping. And you probably don't realise it but I'm sure there are plenty of people who care about you and suicide is a cowards way out. Grow some and get out there. Reach out to people, make new friends, get a girl/boy friend. Maybe a new start would be good for you
   
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