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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
boyguro Offline
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Name: julia
Age: 19
Gender: female

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Join Date: September 24th 2016

miserable - September 24th 2016, 04:20 PM

i'm awful at expressing myself and i hate talking about stuff in the first place so this is gonna suck. there's loads of shitty backstory to my life but it's so pathetic and complicated i can't even bring myself to write about it without wanting to slam a door on my head so i'm just going to talk about how i feel right now and some of my current issues before i spontaneously combust.

without getting too complicated- i'm a fifteen year old girl, i have no friends, i'm a foreigner living in a country where the native language is not my mothertongue, my home life is decent, i have zero talents, i gave up on pretty much all my hobbies when i started getting depressed four years ago, my parents don't take my mental health seriously despite my several attempts to confront them about it, i used to self-harm in middle school, i hate the way i look, i hate myself, i spend all day sleeping, eating and sulking in my room and i genuinely want to punch myself in the fucking face.

jesus christ i hate writing about this.

i was pretty bullied when i was a kid so when i was 11-ish, aka when i started getting depressed, i had some deep anger management issues. i was always pissed off and irritated and i rebelled against everything for no apparent reason. then when i was around 12 i started to get really really sad, and after my closest friend killed herself i started cutting myself, i spent basically all day crying and feeling awful. then when i was 13 i sort of started going a little insane, i stopped sleeping and developed a shit load of nervous tics, i started doing terrible at school and locking myself in my room in the dark and talking to myself and shit, i don't really remember much since i was so sleep-deprived everything was one big blur. at 14 i practically became a zombie, i became numb and bitter and empty and i stopped feeling anything. now i'm 15 and i'm just bored and lonely and everything's meaningless and stupid and i don't want to put effort into anything even though i know i have potential.

i wish i wasn't so alone.

please don't comment stuff like "oh have you tried exercising?" or "oh have you tried joining school clubs and making friends?" or whatever because i'm too tired and miserable and depressed to do yoga or start up a hobby and there's SEVERAL factors as to why i won't "just socialize", the biggest one being i can't even speak the same language as everybody else. and i don't need the whole "that's just puberty, hormones suck" bs because i'm so sick and tired of people throwing that shit in my face as if it's supposed to magically make me feel better.

christ, someone just shoot me.
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Chuuya Offline
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Name: Lauren
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Re: miserable - September 25th 2016, 02:01 AM

Hi Julia,

Your situation does sound complicated and like a lot to be going through. I'm sorry that it's something you have to learn to cope with everyday.

From what I'm getting you've tried a lot of things. I think that's good. It shows that you're willing to put in the work and make an effort. I'm sorry that none of it's helped you at all though. That must be incredibly frustrating and could have made things feel worse. I know people telling me to get out of my depressed state and "Go do something." Pissed me off royally. I can see how that could be so frustrating because if it were that easy - no one would be depressed.

It's not easy. and it doesn't always work. Because it's such a complicated thing that affects people differently - and that goes for treatment and figuring how to alleviate the symptoms too. It's different for everyone and sometimes people are able to get out and socialize, do yoga, exercise and put themselves out there to make friends. But it's okay that you're not at that point or haven't been able to do those things - or heck don't even like them. Yoga and exercise helps me a lot. It's okay that it doesn't help you though.

I honestly think that sometimes you have to start at the root of the problem to fix the other stuff. When your depression started, you were going through a lot and as a result a lot of things went wrong. The cutting, the anger management issues, etc. It's not going to go away overnight. It's going to take a while. It's been deeply ingrained in you - but that does not mean it's impossible.

While it's great that you tried to do all these things to help you and you're not cutting anymore - that's great. I do however think you need to get professional help. Because nothing is going to change unless you take action. Yes. Talking about all of this does suck. It really really does but it gets easier and processing things with professionals can be really beneficial. You're 100% right about you having potential so don't throw that away. Your parents aren't listening to you confronting them about how much you're struggling, so I think it might be helpful to look into talking to someone else. Like a counselor at your school perhaps? They will be much better equipped to help you not only with the depression and other symptoms you're having but also help alleviate what's going on at school. Like I said - getting to the root of the problem which I think is where a lot of this came from. I believe if you're able to get help with the problem of not having many friends, and not being able to speak/communicate with your classmates you will see how much of a difference that makes with your depression.

It might be difficult, but it is worth it. And you are too. You don't deserve to go through life alone. Don't throw it away. Speak to someone - multiple people if you have to. Find someone who will listen to you and help you. You are worth that.

I hope this wasn't too over the place, and I also want to encourage you to take a place at the site too. I have made so many lasting friendships here. Yeah we might not be able to be there in real time, but it helps to have people who will just talk. The forums, the chatroom, and heck multiple members are so open to just talking through VMs and PMs as well. Myself included.

We're always here too.

Take care,

"You'll have to decide for yourself. Walk on your own. Move forward. You've got a strong pair of legs, Rose. You should get up and use them."
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