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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Name: Amanda.
Age: 24
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Feeling worse than usual. - May 20th 2009, 04:35 AM

Man, I hate posting stuff like this. It makes me feel so pathetic. I know it sounds bad and bitchy (which is generally what I am, tbh) but I just hate being at the level where I feel so bad that I'm posting here and taking up everybody's time. I hate making threads, I prefer to reply to them, that way I feel less idiotic.

But I'm just really kind of out of sorts right now. I've learned ways to cope with feeling depressed over time, but today it's really just getting to me, not only emotionally but physically. I'm getting terrible headaches, I'm constant feeling weak, everything wears me out. I'm dizzy... I feel like crying. I just hate this.

I hate feeling so shitty that my mom has to call off work to take me to the doctor. I hate feeling so shitty that I bitch at everyone and assume that everyone hates me, all the time. I really really hate it. I try my best to deal with things, whatever it is, but I'm really feeling like I just... can't lately. It's so hard to keep strong and not just sit and cry and break down.

What hits me hardest is that my self confidence is at a zero. I can't trust people, can't trust myself, can't see good in myself, am always putting myself down. I know people are going to reply to this telling me that they care and that I'm not a bad person, but the thing is that it's not going to change anything - because I'm always going to see myself in a negative light, no matter what anyone else may say, whether it be good or bad.

There's just so many things.. I can't even begin to list them all. How much I'd love to just matter to someone, to have a place in someone's life, to feel like I was accepted. It's gotten to the point where I'm never truly me when I talk to someone. I'm who I think they want me to be. And how does a person change that? No one knows me. I don't even know myself.

My God. I just... I feel like I shouldn't be feeling all of these things at once. It's gotten so hard for me to cope. I know things will get better, eventually. But... I just want them better right now, you know? I just don't see myself getting through all of this. The emotions are enough, then add all of the headaches, the random episodes of crying, the self harm, I just don't know anymore :/ I wish this post would just change everything, but I know it won't. I'm not kidding anyone by being on this site, and I'm no longer kidding myself. No where I go will people accept me, no where I go will I be able to accept myself. No where I go will I be able to be happy.

Guess that was more a rant than anything. I'm really sorry... I just wish things could be better





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: Feeling worse than usual. - May 20th 2009, 04:46 AM

Hi Amanda,

I'm sorry that things are feeling so down right now. Bad days are frustrating

Okay, yes, I am going to tell you that you're not a bad person. Because I've seen all the help you've given people, the hope in your thread that it seems like your trying to hang on to - and wanting to get better for real and to have people who care about the you that you are are definitely good things. Not bad. I'm sorry that it's so hard to see yourself other than in a negative light - but I'll letcha know if I think of anything that might help you change the lightbulb

There's a song lyric from one of my favorite bands that goes "I don't want to be perceived the way I am; I just want to be perceived the way I am." Seems like maybe you're feeling this way? I understand, though, how - not just frustrating, but I guess really disconcerting it can be, feeling like you're losing your voice because of one reason or another. But I guess... anything that reminds you of what you sound like? Sometimes writing helps for me... Sorry, I know that's really generic advice. But I guess, what an author once said about characterizing characters (forgive the redundancy) in books can kind of fit for people, too - to help give a sense of whom a character is, have them act characteristically. Whenever you are in a situation with other people, try reminding yourself what you would do, how you would respond, what you would think, maybe?

Well, if you can't go anywhere to be happy we'll just have to make happiness come to you

Hang in there, Amanda. You're definitely cared about here


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Re: Feeling worse than usual. - May 20th 2009, 04:57 AM

Thanks for your reply. Those are some pretty good ideas, and I do try those kinds of things regularly. I really try to be who I really am when I'm talking to people, whether it be in person or online, or the on the phone, whatever else. But it just seems like an impossibility. Because it's not only that I don't know how to be me, but that I'm really scared to be me (forgive how pathetic that sounds). I'm constantly scared people will judge me or see me in the way that I see myself. In fact, that feeling that I have has cost me all of my friends, come to think of it. I ignore phone calls from the few people left who actually do care, because they always invite me out to do stuff and everything, and I just.. can't. I get myself extremely nervous, to the point where it causes me to feel physically just not able. I get nauseated, headaches, all those other lovely things that come along with being depressed. When I'm forced to get out and do something, I don't enjoy myself because I'm constantly in a panic that I'm doing something wrong, that I look stupid, that I suck at conversation, etc. I get sick to my stomach, come to think of it. All of this is why I stopped going to school. And as a result, I do nothing. I sleep till three in the afternoon, get up feeling sick and depressed. I know the whole ritual, take pills, wait for things to get better, but I'm so damn sick of all of it. It's not getting better. & I'm simply out of ideas on how to make it better. I'm taking pills. I'm seeing a therapist. Everything I'm supposed to do. But it's not going away...





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
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Re: Feeling worse than usual. - May 20th 2009, 05:31 AM

Yo Amanda

Babe, don't feel bad about posting--its kind of the point of TH! You help so many people out, its amazing. Don't feel bad if one day you're feeling down and you need some advice and support too

I know that no matter what I say, it'll always come down to how you see yourself, but for what its worth, I think you are an amazing beautiful person who helps so many people and is so selfless. I'm sorry things are just...tearing you don lately and you don't need me to tell you that they will get better. You know that. But right now you're hurting and I'm so sorry.

It's okay for you to break down every once in a while--it's practically a necessary evil. Even with your coping skills, there will always be a time when you gotta let it all out. So go somewhere, be alone, and really let it out. I personally like to go out into the desert around my house and just revel in being alone, in collecting myself. Wait til you're alone at home and scream in a pillow, rant, talk to yourself, do whatever you want. But don't feel bad that you're feeling out of sorts and breaking down. We all do. And thats okay. I know you're a strong person on the inside and soon, you'll be back on your feet, honey.

If you're feeling like things are just not going anywhere, aren't improving at all, I usually like to try and just change things up. Do something completely random and spontaneous. It could be you decide to go for a walk somewhere you've never been before, it could be a new outfit you buy cuz its just fabulous. Anything. Pills and therapists aren't always the magic solution. Sometimes we gotta make our own.

I hope this helped at least a little and of course, you can always message me ♥♥♥


Yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers
But everything that lives is born to die
And so I say to you that nothing really matters
And all you do is stand and cry.


Music is life. Start living.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
MadPoet Offline
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Re: Feeling worse than usual. - May 20th 2009, 07:17 PM

Thanks Sam. I guess I just don't see things getting better anytime soon. I try to tell myself it's okay to feel shitty sometimes, but I feel shitty more than just sometimes. It's like I've lived three whole years of my life feeling nothing but shitty, everyday. My family is always pissed at me, seeing as they always find a decent reason to be angry with me. I'm never enough for them, or for anyone else. We have basically no money, and I'm expected to just shut up and not even hint that it frustrates me. Then the stupid pill issue, if I so much as say my pills aren't working I get dirty looks and my mom refuses to believe that I'm telling the truth. I'm just so sick of all of this... I know that things will get better in the future, one day, like I said, but I wish the future was today. I've been doing all I can to just be happy, but nothing ever works. Life just isn't fair. I HATE being alive. It's actually one of the only things I hate more than myself...





A lonely soul in a land of broken hearts


   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
dancer Offline
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Re: Feeling worse than usual. - May 21st 2009, 05:57 AM

Hi Amanda,

*hugs* It can be really frustrating when you're doing all the things you're supposed to and they don't seem to work. I can definitely relate to that sort of "dead-end" feeling.

But I've found that really wierdly, sometimes life spontaneously gets better, even if it's just in a little way or even just a "good day" type of thing, on it's own sometimes. There've been points for me where things have felt really dark despite every candle that I had tried to light, when all of a sudden a searchlight just kind of came out of nowhere. Or at least a firefly. All by itself.

Forgive the metaphors, too much formal speech-writing lately...

Anyway, I'm really sorry to hear that your parents aren't being more understanding
It's not fun when they seemingly disregard our oppinions - but don't forget that that doesn't mean that your's doesn't matter. If you have a view on anything, you deserve to have it heard, especially when it has to do with how you're doing.

Yeah, being alive can suck sometimes. But not all the times. One of the nice things is that there's always reasons to like being alive - sunny days, rainy days, random smiles from strangers (forgive the corny-ness, but it's true). And there are a whole bunch of reasons to NOT hate you, too, Amanda. Like all the help that you've given people here (definitely) and the fact that you do seem to be a pretty initiative person (people run into road blocks. It happens. Doesn't mean they're not still inherently movers-and-shakers).

Hang in there


Drown in the music,
dance in the rain,
block out the thunder,
and let the scars fade.
   
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