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.Brittany. Offline
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Ready to Give up? - September 30th 2016, 08:23 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

As many of you know, I usually go out of my way to help my friends, especially when it comes to mental health issues like suicide and self harm. For the past month or so I have been sleeping 1-5 hours of sleep a night because I have been worried sick about my best friend. Things became difficult for me when her friend made her block me and to stop talking to her. I eventually convinced him to let me talk to her again, which I was truly happy about because like I said, she was my best friend, and I was having a rough time without her to talk to. Things got worse, she was talking about suicide and self harm almost every night, which is why my lack of sleep continued. I was at the point where I was worried sick about her to the point where I neglected my own mental health to help hers, which has unfortunately happened in the past with another friend.

The past couple weeks have been really busy for me. I've been working a lot and my dads been out of town for most of it, and because of that I have had a friend over for the past two weeks. Which means I've had barely any time to talk as I haven't technically had a day off/time to myself since around the 15th of September.

My mental health has been failing really bad over the past week and a half, but I kept putting it aside to help her. Today she told me she wanted to take some time to be alone, which I thought she just wanted some time to figure out her mental health and to get her life back on track. So I told her to stay strong and to take care of herself.

I received a message over an app her and I used from her friend pretty much telling me that I can never talk to her again. I reached out to her on the only way I could contact her which was iMessage. She told me that she's tried talking to me the past couple days about her problems. I haven't really been around the past couple days. Yesterday I was gone all day, mostly driving so I couldn't message anyone. Then last night I was extremely suicidal and all I wanted was to self harm. Today, I've been in a ton of pain because of my mouth and I haven't really been able to focus on anything. The pain is so bad that I might have to go to the hospital about it.

Or maybe I'll be taken to the hospital for another reason tonight...

She then gave my phone number to her friend who messaged me threatening me, and telling me everything is my fault (which probably includes her wanting to commit suicide, wanting to self harm, and not wanting to eat). He also told me that she was happier when we weren't talking during the two weeks he had her block me.

This was a huge blow to my mental health. I have had to focus on my mental health the past couple days or else who knows what would have happened. I'm at the point where I want to give up because I caused someone to want to cut, kill themselves, and not eat. Hearing that hurts a lot and makes me feel like a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be here anymore, since all I do is bring people down and hurt them.

I am currently laying in bed bawling my eyes out, having trouble breathing as I write this.

I just.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't know if I can keep being strong. I guess this is what happens when I put my mental health as my main priority. Guess I wont be doing that again.

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Re: Ready to Give up? - September 30th 2016, 09:51 PM

I've been in a similar situation. I was available to a friend 24/7 for around 5-6 months, basically keeping her alive, and we stopped being friends one night when I said I couldn't talk right then because I had a paper due at midnight. It's hard, it's more than any one person should have to deal with. I don't think it's right to rely on one person that much, and I don't think it's right that she's having her other friend talk to you the way they are.

Absolutely you NEED to take care of yourself first. Even when you want to help someone, you can't help as much as you could if you made sure to take care of yourself first. Everything is absolutely not your fault. I know for me, sometimes I would seem worse the more I talked to a friend about it but I was just expressing it instead of holding it in. Maybe that's why her friend says she's been so much worse, it could be they're just now seeing it. The things she wants to do are NOT your fault. It sounds like she has a lot going on. Please don't listen that it's your fault, there are SO many people you bring up, not down. Myself included.

Take care of yourself, and let her take care of herself. It's possible you'll end up not talking for a while and I know how much that can hurt too but it gets less horrible. <3

"We all have battle scars, Finn. Suck it up and build a brace for yours."
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Re: Ready to Give up? - September 30th 2016, 11:22 PM

Hey Brittany, I'm sorry to hear that both of you seem to be having such a hard time right now. It's great that you want to help your friend, but you have to take care of yourself first. If it's not safe for healthy for you to engage with her right now, you have to take a break and do what you need to do to be safe. Also, as much as we can be there for someone else, their well-being is not your responsibility. You can't be solely responsible for what she does or feels because you can't control another person. You've done everything you can for her and that's all you can do, she has to handle the rest. It's not fair or right that her other friends are intervening and blaming you for everything. Like I said, we are not responsible for, and can't control another person. None of this is your fault and it's not up to you to fix anybody else.

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