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TC123 Offline
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Unhappy New, feeling horrible - October 12th 2016, 07:02 AM

I'm new here, and honestly I’m not sure where to start. I’ll figure this whole thing out as I go along, I guess. Just to tell a little about myself, I’m 16 and a guy, and I’ve struggled with moderate depression and anxiety and social issues for mostly my entire life. It’s only seeming to get worse as I move on. I’ve never really had friends, save for a few elementary school friends. I always felt I never fit into anything category in school, I was always the lone wolf and I didn’t even fit into the “misfit” category. I’ve always just been “there”, so to speak. I watch but don’t participate. In elementary school, I suffered with severe anxiety which would always lead to me becoming sick to my stomach and it’d make it difficult for me to do things normally. During those years, my family life was extremely bad, as my parents would always be arguing with my sister as she was in a very bad place mentally at the time and eventually was sent to live with my moms ex husband, and during this time my grandfather on my dads side passed away. My dad became increasingly unable to connect with us and he was devastated from the year he died (2007) up until 2012 when he finally started getting better. Although he got better with that, his physical health was declining and right now, he has a lot of health issues like sleep apnea, GIRD, and esophagaul issues he may need surgery for. He barely can sleep or work five days a week at four in the morning let alone spend much time with me. My mom works two jobs and I’m currently doing online schooling to get my diploma for high school so I’m alone most of the time. Back in 6th or 7th grade I met my current and only best friend, and she and I have a good relationship and can tell each other pretty much everything. She’s gay, and so am I, and she was actually the first person I came out to, which was about 4-5 months ago now. During the time I fully accepted I was gay, my grandmother on my moms side whom I was extremely close with growing up passed away of a massive heart attack. I never cried much, maybe once at the wake. I almost feel like something’s wrong with me, I know I’m sad but I can’t feel it or use any energy to let it out. It’s been 5 months now since she passed on May 7th, and I still can’t feel it. I’ve become more and more depressed overall, I feel like no one understands me, even my best friend although she tries her hardest. I always get jealous (I know, unfairly) when she talks up her other friends like they are so funny and awesome and how she hangs out with them all the time. I know it isn’t fair of me to do this, but I almost can’t help it. Part of me believes that the reason why I never got into categories in school was I’m just not likeable. Some people have that quality where they give off good vibes that people flock to,and I always appear cold, harsh, and reserved. And when people get to know me, I don’t really sound all that exciting or appealing. I’m simple, and I’d be very content living in the country. I’m not very good at many things, and the only thing I’ve every taken interest in and stuck to is archery. That’s probably the only thing I get compliments on or take any sort of pride in whatesoever. People will watch me shoot all the time and say I’m really good, and I thank them, but internally I can’t see it. I just don’t see any good in me or anything I do, even if I am good at it. I’ve recently taken up hunting with my dad whenever he feels good on weekends, and I only feel calm and somewhere secure when I’m in the woods. I feel like I don’t belong in society. I’m not asking for pity of anything, I just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out as I don’t have many other places to do so. If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it. I’m sorry if this is long but if you read this far, thank you for taking time to read this, really.
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Re: New, feeling horrible - October 12th 2016, 10:45 AM

Hey mate,
Sounds like you're in a ridiculously rough place. But first thing, nothing is wrong with you. You've gone through a ridiculously tough time. It can't be easy. Feeling jealous about your best friend is understandable. Maybe just sit her down and talk to her and tell her everything. From what I understand she seems to care a lot about you, so I'm sure she will understand and be more than willing to help. I'm glad that hunting with your father is helping you. If being in society is a problem, maybe you could try something like asking your friend to maybe take you out with her and a single other friend or something, and gradually build it up? That might help.
If you want to rant/chat, hit me up.

PM me if you ever wanna talk. Send a message my way.
And remember, you matter. You're awesome. You're beautiful. Stay strong, the world will get better.

May The Force be With You.
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