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Concerned For Myself. - November 27th 2016, 08:51 PM

Okay, this might be long, so please bear with me.

Last night, I was in a really bad place emotionally. To the point where I couldn't really even write a relevant post on here to get advice.I texted a crisis line, which wasn't much help either mostly because I just feel so overwhelmed most of the time I can't put my thoughts into words.

So for a long time I have been battling fairly moderate anxiety. It affects my daily life and limits what I can and cannot do, and I know that. No amount of medications have worked for me. Some times coping mechanisms do, but not always. My life has been a constant struggle for the last 3 and half years. My panic attacks all started from a suicide attempt, and I've never told anybody that except for my boyfriend and best friend. Since then, I deal with anxiety on an almost daily basis and panic attacks one or twice every two weeks, if not more. I'm slowly realizing this isn't normal or a good way to live - which I believe is leading to some depressive symptoms.

This is the second part of my story. I used to have depression, and it just magically went away. I am now terrified of being depressed again. I don't think that I could handle depression and anxiety together. I don't think I could handle depression again at all - I wouldn't be as strong as last time, mostly because I remember how awful my life was. I am not anywhere near as bad, but I am noticing signs of going there.

I used to be a highly extroverted person. I would love to hang out with my friends, go out shopping, take my dogs on walks, be outside in general, spend loads of time with my boyfriend, but now none of that makes me happy anymore. I don't get excited about things (and I'm typically a person who gets excited over going to lunch with a friend.) It's gotten to the point where my friends are the ones now inviting me instead of vice versa, I never make plans anymore. And when my friends do make plans, I don't want to go, I dread it, and I don't really enjoy myself. I still on occasion enjoy going out and going shopping (like black friday was fun). But more often than not, it just seems like a task that I have to do even though I don't. I don't like to doing anything really that requires me to leave my apartment. I just, I'm not who I used to be and I am not okay with that.

Which in a sense is good because I know stuff needs to change. I know that I need to get my anxiety under control a lot better, and I know that I need to get whatever these "sad," feelings are under control. I can identify this. I know that I need to chat with my counselor about all of this, but I made the appointment for my anxiety only, so I feel odd if I bring these other things now too, especially since I have yet to meet my therapist. Also, my counseling session isn't for another two weeks, which doesn't seem long, but after last night, I don't know how I am going to make it without speaking to a professional about what has been happening lately.

I am genuinely concerned for myself. Mostly because last night I really wanted to self-harm again (though I have been clean for over two years, which helped me to not do it). And I have thought maybe it would be easier if I weren't here, even though I know that isn't true and do not plan on acting on any of those impulsive and invasive thoughts.

I have friends who would support me, I just feel like I cannot reach out to them. My boyfriend would support me but I am scared to bring it up, mostly because when I do he thinks I'm just overwhelmed, because I'm functioning. I'm going to classes (mostly), I own my own business and I run it well, I'm super hygienic and take care of myself. He's only concerned about the anxiety and even then it's just routine to him now, that he really isn't overly concerned about that, as long as I am "working," on getting better.

So I guess these are all of the emotions that I have kept bottled up. I just need a friend, some advice, someone to chat with, I don't know what I need. I feel like I am going crazy. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I just don't know.....
   
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Re: Concerned For Myself. - November 28th 2016, 02:47 AM

Hey,

Congratulations on going so long without self harm. That's not an easy task and you should be proud of yourself.

Anxiety is really difficult to deal with. I struggle with it as well and I have anxiety attacks every day pretty much. It gets so bad that I think it would be better if I was dead. There are medicines that help with anxiety but they aren't actually anxiety meds. For example, I take Gabapentin and it has helped me quite a bit.

I think that you need to reach out to your friends and boyfriend about this. I know you don't want to but I assure you that having support while you are dealing with this will be helpful. Just because you are functional doesn't mean you aren't struggling a bit.

Also, even though you scheduled the appointment to deal with your anxiety you can talk about your depression. I encourage you to talk about it. The main reason I am going to be looking into therapy is to deal with my anxiety but that doesn't mean we won't talk about my depression and self harm. It's not weird and a good therapist will be receptive to your needs.

I hope this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck.


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Re: Concerned For Myself. - November 28th 2016, 08:22 PM

Good job for being clean for two years, that's a great accomplishment.

Anxiety is hard and like the above poster said, you can definitely talk about depression with your therapist.

Hang in there and stay strong like you have for so long. Just know you're not alone. I hope you feel better.

Pm me anytime.
   
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