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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PorcelainDollAmethystEyes .
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Having Issues. - December 31st 2016, 07:38 PM

Lately I just seem to be a large, tightly packed ball of anger and frustration.



I've been lashing out at everyone and everything. Wanting to pick fights with my family and generally avoid everything to do with work and my writing. I have so much hate rage in my heart and I'm never quite sure what to do in quelling it other than watching stuff on youtube and TV. Its too cold to go outside for long and do anything of signifigance. I've been sleeping a lot, much more than I should(and on the couch a lot, and not in my own bed). Money is always tight and its difficult to pay all the bills on time.
I joined an online writing group that I have to pay a fair sum every month-but I couldn't pay this month-as money is just...I don't know. Christmas was a bit of a nightmare, but ended well in the present department. It was cancelled because I couldn't pay this months payment, yet I'm still allowed in the group it seems. Thank God. Mom promised to pay next at the beginning of next month, but knowing her, she probably won't unless I hassle her about it. And if I'm not angry, I'm practically numb. My emotions usually come and go, sometimes there or not at all. At the same time I'm usually off in my own little world, thinking about my writing whether its original or fanfiction. I find myself hardly caring about anything outside of my inner world.
It takes a some inner strength to get up and do something I need to do, to help out and get things done, when all I want to do is sleep and forget anything. Like, if the world ended tomorrow and I died, I'd find it as a relief. I wouldn't do anything to hurt or kill myself, as I have too much pride for that. Instead if I was given the choice of another different, more grandoise life than this, I'd probably take it. A lot of the time I feel like an absolute failure and like I don't matter much. As my stepfather had told me for years, right in my face every chance he got. 'I don't care about anything'. Or 'You don't matter enough to amount to anything'.
I'm not sure if those wounds had truly a profound effect on me, on my life. But its a long, dark shadow I feel consuming me, leeching onto me and pulling away a lot of what I hold dear. I tried telling Mom this, as well as my family, but it doesn't amount to much to them. They each have their own issues to deal with. Or to anyone I know in real life. I can't seem to find the strength to try and contradict those words he always told me. As of right now, I don't know why I'm typing this out. It seems sort of foolish.
Other than all this, I'm finding it a little difficult to atually work on a novel, to write. I'm really trying...but that to, is fading away. But I still want to keep at it, no matter what happens.

To everyone who reads this, Thank you.

I hope all have a pleasant New Year.
   
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Re: Having Issues. - January 3rd 2017, 02:01 AM

I'm sorry things have been difficult for you lately, but I don't think what you're saying is foolish at all. It is all very valid as well as your feelings towards what's going on.

I believe that maybe speaking to a professional to work through what's going on would be really beneficial for you. You said you have a lot of rage and are worried about yourself. I'm sorry your family hasn't been supportive or validated your feelings. The relationship you had with your stepfather sounds like a difficult one, and I'm really sorry that he said those things to you. I think what he said did have an impact on you as you are bringing them up and saying how you find yourself thinking about them. I do not however think they're right.

With your loss of interest in things, that can be difficult. I know what it's like to not feel like doing anything and it sucks to not have motivation. But that can't keep us from not doing those things. I do think by getting up out of bed, by brushing your teeth or washing your face or even by writing you can feel better. Don't let yourself stay isolated in your bed. Don't let it keep you from living.

I hope that this wasn't too much of a mess, and was at least a little bit helpful.


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Re: Having Issues. - January 3rd 2017, 04:09 AM

Hi Kianna,

I definitely know where you're coming from. I've been struggling with some of the same things lately as well, especially when it comes to money.

Are you able to get a job? Maybe offer to shovel neighours driveways?

Maybe you can read a book or write when you're feeling down? Lately I've been taking my aggression out on cleaning and video games! I find it's helping a lot.

Maybe you can also talk to your doctor to see if he/she has any other suggestions as well?

I hope you start feeling better soon. My PM box is always open.



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Re: Having Issues. - January 3rd 2017, 04:54 AM

Hi, Kianna!

None of what you said is foolish. I'm glad you posted this. Your feelings matter and they are valid, which is why you are more than welcome to use TeenHelp anytime you want/need. I hope that it helped to simply write this thread, and I hope we can help you as well.

I'm really sorry about how you're feeling. Having this much anger must be affecting you a lot. Sadness and frustration over things you cannot change and stress can lead to a lot of built up anger which is hard to manage as well. When you're sad, you feel sad and it can cause apathy, yet when you're angry there's a lot of built up energy that you may not know what to do with.

When someone, especially a close family member puts you down, it can linger and stay in the back of your mind. Words do hurt. However, some are not true. How can your stepfather decide or know whether or not you'll amount to anything? According to what you said, he made it clear that he didn't care about anything. If that is the case, who is he to judge your passion and potential? I realize it's nearly impossible to ignore harsh words from those you are often around, but don't forget to contradict those harsh words and remind yourself you deserve more respect than that.

Your novel must be great and very important to you since you're putting a lot of effort into it. Since it does mean a lot to you, make sure you keep it in a safe place for when you feel discouraged, then go back to it when you feel productive again. I understand that with the way you're feeling, it can be hard to gain the energy to do much. Which is why it's important to act when you do have the energy.

During a state of intense rage and anger, it can feel nearly impossible to control those feelings and lead to you picking fights which may in turn upset you more. It may help to practice resorting to healthier ways of dealing with it. Focusing on your breathing, and reminding yourself to breathe can help a lot. If that doesn't help sometimes, you can find (safe) ways to let the negative energy out. For example, rip up newspaper or have a pillow fight with the wall.

Is there anything else you enjoy? I recommend doing simple, relaxing hobbies to relieve stress and take your mind off your worries for a bit. Do you like coloring? Coloring can be very relaxing and it's something you can sink hours into if you enjoy it. You could do yoga, meditate, read, or play video games. Watching funny/cute movies, TV shows, YouTube videos can make you smile and laugh, which can obviously brighten your day. Another suggestion I have is to do your best to stick to a routine. Exercise is great for relieving stress and helping you feel better since it releases endorphins, plus it's healthy all the way around. If possible, try to fit in at least 10-15 minutes of exercise into each day. Since the weather isn't the best outdoor weather for you right now, you can stick to exercises that you can do inside, such as jumping jacks for instance. Hula hoops are good exercise and can be fun if you have enough room.

I hope you feel better soon, Kianna. You can get through this.
   
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Re: Having Issues. - January 4th 2017, 02:21 AM

Hey there,

I am struggling with a lot of the same things. I am isolating and feeling a lot of anger at a lot of people. Do you have anything that helps you de=stress? I know you write but do you find that helpful in dealing with these things? Something I do when I am isolating is try and force myself to hang out with people for a bit. I will go and hang out with my dad for 30 minutes to an hour and it does help a bit.

Money is tight and I am wondering if you are able to get a job to try and make up for the financial issues? I don't know your situation so if a job isn't feasible I totally understand.

What are some things that have helped you deal with these things in the past?


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Re: Having Issues. - January 5th 2017, 03:20 AM

I truly appreciate all of this.


For the most part, I was truly frustrated. Christmas tends to be a really difficult time of the year, as financially and emotionally it's seriously draining. Both my Mom and sister in law have had some difficult times in the past around that time and I really wanted things to turn out well. Fortunately, it did, but not all the bills were paid and everyone was really concerned we wouldn't get it all in time, or have grocery and emergency money for the month. Among other things.
A lot of the time I feel like Mother dismisses me. Especially when I ask her something in particular, or want her opinion on something, she just doesn't really want to talk about it. I understand that she wouldn't really have anything to say on it. But when it comes to a story or a question, or asking her help with something. All she really says is 'alright', or, 'I heard you, already'. Sometimes I feel like she just forgets, other times she just wants the conversation to end and do her own thing. I don't really know.
My brother often irritates the shit out of me because he can be an arrogant, willfully stubborn person who brings forth the urge to do something violent. He and I fight like cats and dogs and usually co-exist by pretty much avoiding each other as to not cause a problem. Even though he would practically destroy someone completely who tried to do me harm.
And yes, I have a job. As a caregiver for a relative. It's a part of day thing and it's not something I really like doing, but considering my mental issues, it's really the only thing I can do at this point.
To de-stress I usually write, listen to music, watch things on youtube, play video games, sleep it off, occasionally exercise. Sometimes a combination, it really varies on my mood. Especially when I feel like a ticking time bomb sometimes, hence hiding in my room to get away from everyone and do something to distract me until I calm down.

Thank you all again for reading this.
   
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Re: Having Issues. - January 5th 2017, 11:05 AM

Hey,

It sounds like things at home are exceptionally stressful. Do you think that it would help to get out of the house when things get to be too much? You don't have to go far, maybe go for a walk around your neighborhood. Go to town and do something? If you don't have the money to get a coffee or a tea maybe you could window shop? I remember I used to do a lot of window shopping back when I was younger and it helped calm me down quite a bit.

If you ever need/want to talk feel free to message me.


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Re: Having Issues. - January 6th 2017, 11:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by VoicelessAmethyst View Post
I truly appreciate all of this.


For the most part, I was truly frustrated. Christmas tends to be a really difficult time of the year, as financially and emotionally it's seriously draining. Both my Mom and sister in law have had some difficult times in the past around that time and I really wanted things to turn out well. Fortunately, it did, but not all the bills were paid and everyone was really concerned we wouldn't get it all in time, or have grocery and emergency money for the month. Among other things.
A lot of the time I feel like Mother dismisses me. Especially when I ask her something in particular, or want her opinion on something, she just doesn't really want to talk about it. I understand that she wouldn't really have anything to say on it. But when it comes to a story or a question, or asking her help with something. All she really says is 'alright', or, 'I heard you, already'. Sometimes I feel like she just forgets, other times she just wants the conversation to end and do her own thing. I don't really know.
My brother often irritates the shit out of me because he can be an arrogant, willfully stubborn person who brings forth the urge to do something violent. He and I fight like cats and dogs and usually co-exist by pretty much avoiding each other as to not cause a problem. Even though he would practically destroy someone completely who tried to do me harm.
And yes, I have a job. As a caregiver for a relative. It's a part of day thing and it's not something I really like doing, but considering my mental issues, it's really the only thing I can do at this point.
To de-stress I usually write, listen to music, watch things on youtube, play video games, sleep it off, occasionally exercise. Sometimes a combination, it really varies on my mood. Especially when I feel like a ticking time bomb sometimes, hence hiding in my room to get away from everyone and do something to distract me until I calm down.

Thank you all again for reading this.
You're welcome, Kianna. We're here for you.

I'm glad Christmas turned out better than expected, but I'm still sorry about the fact that there was still financial stress. It seems even more tough when you have to deal with that around Christmas and other holidays because it can be extra stressful.

It must feel frustrating when you go to your mother regarding a topic you really want to talk to her about or want her opinion on, and it feels like she gives it no attention. Have you brought this up with her and explained that you feel hurt by it? Some people get quite busy and don't realize that they're causing people around them to feel pushed aside.

Siblings, huh? We love them and know they love us but sometimes there can be a lot of irritating moments. Do you think it's possible to develop a closer brother/sister relationship with him? Perhaps the two of you could find a common interest and bond through that. You can let him know you'd like to get along with him better.

It's good that you have things you turn to as a way to de-stress. I hope you are able to express those emotions in a creative outlet to ensure you aren't bottling them up.
   
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Re: Having Issues. - January 7th 2017, 06:16 AM

Thank you.

And I don't exactly have the funds or means of leaving the house as of yet. It's usually at the later half of the month, depending on how things are and if Mom is up to going. Although there is a meeting for a group on the topic of 'autoimmune' issues. Something that Mom suffers from, and I really want the two of us to go so she'd have others to be around who know and understand what it's like. People she can sympathize with and whatnot.
I'm not quite sure how to broach the topic of...that, with her. A lot of the time it's just...never a good moment. We always have a lot of chaos going on, or something else needing attending to. Or I'm just too damn nervous of trying to have a conversation with her other than the usual stuff we're talking about. I'm never really sure how to communicate with her, or anyone else. Yet it's easier, as she knows me better than just about everyone else I know in real life, and vice versa. However, it can be a double-edged sword.
As with my brother...he and I have always had a seriously complicated relationship since both hitting puberty and realized how competitive we both are. In some words, I'm a jungle cat and he's a timber wolf. We fight as lot of the time as such, circling around expecting one to lunge and bite into the other. Yet we look after, help, and protect each other when needed. We care about each other, but I don't think we'll ever truly be...closer than how we are now. He's stoic and brooding, arrogant and likes to be...the head of the house, even though we all know Mom is. Whereas I'm wild at heart, flighty and able to find means of annoying the shit out of him without even trying. He does the same to me. We get along, from a distance.
I've recently torn apart two fairly developed stories, and I'm actually finding a way to combine them both. It's interesting how things change when that happens.
   
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Re: Having Issues. - January 7th 2017, 07:19 AM

Having just one supportive person can make a world of difference and negate a plethora of negativity from other people (who should be supportive but often have their own issues).

Finding this supportive person may take a bit of searching and creativity. They're out there. You're probably surrounded by them. Just need to make contact with one somehow.

Best wishes.
   
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