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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Thedeadmaggot Offline
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Name: John Ekerström
Age: 18
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Exclamation Suicidal - January 1st 2017, 02:32 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm sick of living. I've tried be positive and I've gone to counseling. I've even taken medication. I can't help but feel worthless. I get bullied and on top of that, my mom asks ME for money to buy drugs and alcohol. I feel like I'm the reason for the way she is. I feel like she would be forced to get help if I died. I love her so much but she's done nothing but treat me like nothing. I just want to die. I joined this site as my last resort.
   
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Kate* Offline
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Re: Suicidal - January 1st 2017, 02:59 AM

Welcome

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad and that help hasn't helped. I don't blame you for wanting to give up after that. You are NOT the reason that your mom is the way she is or the fact that she's treated you poorly. You can't make her get better, she has to do that. It's worth holding on, none of this is your fault, and suicide isn't the solution it seems to be.


Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Thedeadmaggot Offline
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Name: John Ekerström
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Re: Suicidal - January 1st 2017, 04:21 AM

To me it seems like the only solution. Its the only way out. I don't have to power to go where I want.
   
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Kate* Offline
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Re: Suicidal - January 1st 2017, 04:46 AM

I know you don't have it now, but eventually you will. If you die though, you never will.


Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Suicidal - January 1st 2017, 06:57 PM

Hi

Thank you for coming to us here. I can't begin to imagine how all this must be making you feel and I really wish there was a quick act or something I could say now which would make everything better. I am glad you came here to us. You don't deserve to be alone and never have to be okay? We ARE always here for you. No matter what. We don't judge but we listen and try to help.

Feeling suicidal can be really difficult and I can relate to that and I know how it makes me feel so so I can only begin to imagine the thoughts you are having around all of this. I know it seems utterly worthless, hopeless and pointless, but it isn't. None of what you are going through will last forever because nothing ever does last forever; this will pass too. As hard as it is, you need to believe in yourself and hold on to hope. It will keep you alive. Sometimes we have to take things minute by minute or even second by second. We have to keep slowly putting one foot in front of the over and when we have walked ten steps, it may me feel like nothing but it will be a huge achievement. Its steps in the right direction.

Nobody makes anybody feel anything. We all control our own emotions. What ever your relationship with your mum is like and what she does, is not your fault. You are to to blame for her being this way like she is not to blame for you feeling this way. You killing yourself yes, may get her help, but it may make her worse. What would happen if she didn't cope with the death of you at all and she ended up taking her own life? You don't know the impact your death will have on people. Even to us now we know you. You are worth so much and have a future ahead of you. Anything is possible and I know it is hard but you can do this. You can get through the other side. Things can and will get better but you have to work for it. How? Talk to people. Let people in and let them help you through this. Even talk about your mum and they might be able to get her support in place too. Use distractions like drawing, running, watching a film, doing work, having a shower, painting, writing, playing a game, going for a walk, going to the gym, going out with friends, petting a pet and so on and if you know any skills then use them. For example I use mindfulness a lot, pro's and con's, cognitive diffusion etc. If you don't know any skills, getting that help could help you learn skills. I know its scary but having a good support network can be really beneficial and for some people, is vital in their recovery. I know it's vital for mine and I wouldn't be where I am today with out the people I have in my life who I enjoy spending time with on the good days but who also support me on the bad days.

I don't know if anything I have said will help, but please remember we're here. You're a part of teenhelp. We like to help each other and staff are always there are so are many users who are not. Just remember all the different ways you can reach out for help and support on the site (forums, blogs, HelpLINK, Livehelp, articles etc. We're all here and my inbox is always open as are many other uses and staffs. I never want you to be alone.

Keep on fighting. I know this is hard but remember it will pass. You are a lot stronger than you believe and getting through this and out to the other side is very possible. Don't ever stop.

Hope and wishes,
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Suicidal - January 1st 2017, 11:43 PM

Hi, John.

Despite how you are feeling, I'm glad you decided to reach out. To me, that shows a hopeful side of you that wants to hold on. I am sorry about everything you're going through, though. It sounds like you're having a really hard time.

As for your mom, it isn't your fault why she is how she is. She ultimately makes the decision to use drugs and alcohol. Although, I do recommend taking a stand and not giving her the money to do so. Reassure her that you want to see her get help because you love her, and that's why you won't give her the money to be self-destructive.

Your mom may treat you badly but deep down I bet she loves you so much. You are her son, and always will be. Losing you won't make things better, it may very well cause her to sink deeper into her self-destructive behaviors, and most importantly, you'll lose your life. Nothing is worth that. I imagine you're extremely depressed to even feel suicidal in the first place, but it is possible to get through this. Life might be really hard right now, and it might be difficult to find any positives, but you have the power to create positives. Focus on what you can control and work toward. Put your energy into working toward a future you are passionate about.

Right now everything may seem dark and hopeless, but I promise it will not always feel this way. Sometimes the best thing you can do is hold on and do what you can to take care of yourself, and part of taking care of yourself involves allowing others to support and help you. Don't be afraid to reach out to a trusted adult for support. I realize the counselor you went to didn't seem to help, but I'm wondering if there's any other counselors or therapists you can see? Some people have to see a few professionals until they find someone that is personally helpful to them.

Keep in mind that there are only so many things you can control, and it can really help to focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can take positive action on, such as what you want in your future. Work on creating a future with happy, healthy people in it. Reach out and meet new people, you never know when you'll come across a great person who'll be an important person in your life. You can impact the world in positive ways and you can be happy too. So hold on to live to see your future, you never know what kind of great experiences it can hold.

Take care and stay safe.
   
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Re: Suicidal - January 6th 2017, 05:14 PM

Hi John,

I know that you are going through a really rough spot right now - I am so glad you joined this site, even as a last resort. It show's that even if it's small, there is some will to want to live.

I know that it doesn't seem like life will get any better, but it will. I promise. I remember when my depression was so bad that I wanted to die. I am so glad that I'm still here though. Sometimes when it's so dark in our lives, it's hard to see the good and that eventually we will come out of this pain.

Trust me, suicide isn't going to make your mother better. If she doesn't want to get better now, or on her own, it won't happen. I know how much it must hurt you to see her like this. My sister is the same way, and as much as I want to help, I know there isn't anything I can do, except love her and hope that she eventually will get better. You're mom asking you for money isn't fair. I would try not to enable her. None of this your fault, please keep that in mind.

Do you have a counselor? If not, I would highly recommend seeing someone. Just having someone to talk to once a week, can be so freeing and helpful. People can help, we just have to let them. I know you said your on medication, sometimes it takes awhile to figure out the right kind for the right person - if you don't think it's helping, I would suggest going back to your doctor and chatting with them. They might want to change it up a bit.

I know you're super low right now. If you're an immediate danger to yourself, please go to your local hospital. They will help. If you want to chat with someone, I am here. Feel free to send me a PM.
   
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