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Chaotic_ Offline
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SO Frustrated - January 3rd 2017, 09:42 PM

I am so frustrated with myself.
I can't talk, I can't open up and I just feel like I'm never going to get better.
I've been through a dozen therapist because either they aren't the right fit or they dismiss me because I don't actually talk.

So, I have new one.
And my appointment was today, and I had two things I really need to talk about, one being my depression coming back.
He actually, legit asked if depression was a big deal for me anymore, and I said "no." Who does this?! Why am I so incapable of opening up?! Like, I waited 3 weeks, for him to ask me, and all I have to do is say "yes," and I say "no, I would rather just focus on my anxiety." jfdklsajfa;kl.

And then I really needed to talk to him about my internship for school, because as of now, I have one, but it's a forty minute drive, and I can't drive on the highway without having a panic attack. Never did I once bring it up, even when he asked if I had anything I needed to talk about. Now, I don't know what to do because I have to finish the internship to graduate in May....but I don't know if I can physically or mentally handle it on top of 3 other classes. I don't have a supportive advisor who I can talk about this with. There are two other professors in the department who I could chat with, but I feel awkward doing so.

Also, I speak really softly because of my anxiety and my counselor doesn't always hear what I say and then it gets twisted, and instead of telling him what I actually said, I just stay quiet. I don't know.

I literally just walked out because I can't. I left feeling like shit because I want to get better, I went to therapy on my own, but I can't fucking express myself. And I Just don't know what to do about this.

Thankfully, the secretary scheduled me for two appointments last time I was there, otherwise I wouldn't have even made another appointment. This is so ridiculous.

I just want my anxiety to stop effecting every fucking aspect of my life. I want to be a normal person but it feels impossible at the moment.
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Re: SO Frustrated - January 4th 2017, 03:12 AM

Hey there,

I have trouble talking to doctors as well. Something I have been doing for years is writing down the things I want to talk about. That way I don't forget anything and it also helps give me a prompt so I can talk more openly about what is going on. Maybe you could consider writing everything down and then on your next appointment giving it to your doctor or read it aloud to him. It might help you get out the things you need and work towards a solution to this situation.

As for your internship, could you email your advisor or one of the other teachers and tell them you need to talk or explain what is going on. I have an easier time dealing with things through email than I do in real life. If you tell them you need to talk it might help hold you accountable to actually go into their office and talk. If that seems unmanageable then I suggest you just put it all in an email and go from there.

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Re: SO Frustrated - January 5th 2017, 04:17 AM

Hi Cass,

Opening up is always very hard. I struggled for many years with opening up to people about my depression and anxiety. Because of this I never got a proper diagnosis until I was in my twenties. Because I didn't have the right diagnosis there were a few times where I didn't think I was going to make it. It seems like this might be what's going on with you. Maybe you can try emailing your therapist and let them know that your depression is bothering you but you're having a hard time talking about it?

Like Jenna mentioned above, are you able to email someone and explain your concerns? When do you start your internship? Maybe you can practice driving on the highway to see if it helps calm your anxiety? Is there another route you can take without having to take the highway?

I strongly recommend talking to your doctor as well to see if it's possible to go on medication. I know what it's like to struggle with depression and anxiety unmedicated, it's a battle. I think going on medication might help you. Medication saved my life. PM me if I can help in any other ways.

Stay strong,

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stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.”

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Re: SO Frustrated - January 6th 2017, 07:11 PM

Hey there.

I'm sorry to hear about your issue, I know it can be hard. But I want you to know i'm proud of you for even going to the appointment.

There is a way you dont have to say a word. I know it might be hard, but try to consider a journal. Write in it everyday about how you feel and what you think. I know it seems awful to do but maybe try lying to yourself. think "no one will ever read this" as you write, so that you get all your feelings out. then when you have an appointment have your therapist read over it. He may have questions for you, but if he reads well enough it seems like he should be able to think it through and help you. Also, maybe look into getting some kind of medication for your anxiety. this might also help you in the long run.

I hope i've helped. Feel free to pm me anytime if you ever need any help. Dont worry, I dont bite, and I wont judge.

"Those who aim to avoid their fate, often meet it on the road to escape."
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Re: SO Frustrated - January 7th 2017, 08:08 AM

May I suggest trying some Mindfulness Meditation? Over time doing these mind focusing exercises can ease anxiety.

There's an app called Headspace that will walk you through some guided meditations.

(Technically, if you're interested, meditation helps activate the body's Parasympathetic Nervous System. You can research that if you want to learn more.)

Meditation can be done by yourself. Or, you may find a local meditation group or class. Buddhist centers often offer meditation classes. There's also yoga, tai-chi, qi-gong, and other meditative motion exercises.

After a few weeks you should start to notice a reduction in stress.

You may find it easier to talk to a therapist if you do a meditation before the meeting. You could also ask the therapist if he will guide you through a brief meditation at the beginning of your meeting. (I start all my therapist meetings this way. Helps my therapist switch over to me from her previous patient.)

Best wishes.
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Re: SO Frustrated - January 7th 2017, 08:42 AM

I definitely understand where you're coming from, and there's nothing wrong with you at all. Sometimes, based on past experiences, we don't want to open up, and that's completely fine.

However, these are things that you should be telling your therapist, so it is ideal for you to start opening up somehow.

As a few of the posters above said, I highly suggest that you start a journal. I had a significant amount of trouble opening up to my therapist, and accurately explaining to her what I was feeling. So she had me start keeping a journal, to keep track of things I wanted to tell her.

So I definitely, definitely recommend you just start jotting down anything that's bothering you and that you would like to discuss in a notebook. Then bring it to your counseling session and try to see whether it helps, having it right there for you to read to him. And if you still feel as if you can't physically bring yourself to say the things that are bothering you, you can always say, "I would rather you read it" and point him to a specific point you want him to know about. He won't read anything other than what you tell him to.

If you're interested in art or poetry or something, you can try expressing yourself through other things instead of verbally. Maybe even just writing out the lyrics to one of your favorite songs, and then trying to explain how you relate to the song would help.
I know this might not be the best advice, but what I'm really trying to say is just don't give up on yourself. There are other ways to open up and express yourself besides speaking. Explore other options and maybe even try to bring this up with your therapist. If you can't open up, tell him that. Tell him you need help learning how.
You are a normal person, you simply have an obstacle to get through.

Keep us updated, and best of luck! Stay strong, I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this.

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